How the childless judge. Grrr!

(29 Posts)
PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 13:33:53

Had a dear friend over to stay the other day who hadn't seen 21mo DD for a good few months. Now, I've known for a long time that she has some very strong (and frankly unrealistic) ideas about how to bring up children. It's something we'd talked about years ago and in the most part, I agreed with her. (By the way, she's one of five who grew up really quite poor outside of the UK and from the sounds of it had to do a lot of fending for herself). I used to agree with a lot of her theories but - big but - this was way before DD was born. Before I knew exactly how flippin' hard it is.

I just felt that she was having little digs at me the whole time she was here, not only about DD's behaviour but about our parenting. For example she relayed this story about being on a train with a kid of a similar age to DD. This little girl had both parents doting on her, being really attentive to everything she was saying. That's apparently A BAD THING because it teaches them they're the centre of the universe. I just thought that sounds exactly like me and DP!

DD is precocious in the real sense of the word and we had a bit of a day of "I want, I want, I want" in the shops but for every "I want" there was also a "please, Mummy can I have..." and it was always averted, never escalated, but I could just see my friend rolling her eyes and thinking what a horrible little girl I've got. sad

She had a bit of a manic day running around because she was so excited and at one point made a "popcorn puddle" on the carpet. I just thought that was funny, told her off briefly and picked it up.

But when we met up with DP later he says to DD like you do, "have you been good?" and my friend pipes up "well I wouldn't go so far as to say good". She even mentioned DD throwing her popcorn on the floor like that was a BIG DEAL. Humph! I just thought, bloody hell if you think that's bad you should witness AN ACTUAL TANTRUM.

I just feel really judged and shitty about it all and my friend's gone off now and I won't see her for another few months. My daughter's not naughty she's just a very typical nearly two.

That's it. Sorry for the rant!

MrsWolowitz Sun 09-Dec-12 13:35:32

She'll learn.

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 13:36:16

Haha. Love it.

Yes. The hard way.

firawla Sun 09-Dec-12 13:41:47

I think your friend was a bit rude,dont let it get to you

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 13:43:07

Thank you. x

WinklyVersusTheZombies Sun 09-Dec-12 13:46:56

hmm at your title

Reading mn demonstrates parents are easily as judgy as non-parents. Your friend does sound rude but don't tar everyone with the same brush.

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 13:49:17

Noted. How SOME childless judge.

JuliaScurr Sun 09-Dec-12 13:52:54

bet she thinks she will never shout/let them eat crap/give in to unreasonable demands etc etc
good luck with that

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 13:56:45

She also thinks it's terrible that kids have snacks all the time on the bus when in reality those snacks are saved up precisely for the bus - all in the name of tantrum aversion.

I did actually manage to explain this one...

harrap Sun 09-Dec-12 14:02:10

I'd steer clear of her in the future.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 09-Dec-12 14:06:25

Your baby is 21 months?
You need to develop a thicker skin, those comments will continue for the next two decades, and you will find parents at school will judge your DD far more harshly than any non-parent.
There are tactless, opinionated people everywhere, pick your fights and reasons to get angry carefully, or you will be a constant ball of prickly rage.

Nothingontvat3am Sun 09-Dec-12 14:20:28

I have a friend like that. She has a nephew she sees for a couple of hours a month and thinks she knows it all. Was going through a period where my dd was just not sleeping during the day so when she fell asleep in the living room (in her travel cot miracle of miracles) I made my friend come sit in the kitchen instead so our chatting didn't wake her. This was pandering apparently.

She's also quite competitive ie my nephews doing x y z is your dd? Oh she's not?!? strange when she's 4 months older than my dn.... Is it wrong to wish a little monster on her when she has a baby? (Wouldn't really)

ThursdayWillBeTheDay Sun 09-Dec-12 14:34:52

And you don't judge your friend at all OP, do you?

Did it cross your mind at all that she came to see you rather than your child? (Who sounds like a typical gorgeous 2 yr old to her parents and frankly a bit of a PITA to anyone else. How many of your grown up conversations were interrupted by the "I wants" and popcorn excitement incidents?

Before I had dd I used to dread going to see my friends-with-kids. Your own is, quite rightly, the centre of your universe, as is mine. But she will never be the centre of anyone else's.

Definition of hell remember=Other people's children.

DoIgetastickerforthat Sun 09-Dec-12 14:38:12

I used to be a bloody awesome parent... and then I had children wink. She'll learn and if she's not too much of an arse, she'll realise what a wedgy, wedgy, judgy pants she's been but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Just laugh at her in a 'Oh, how adorable that you think it's so simple, I remember when I thought like that too', kind of way and then shrug it off. There are many experiences in life that cannot be explained, you have to have them to understand - parenting is on of them so don't waste your energy being upset by it or your breath trying to explain yourself. It's not her fault that she has no clue what she's on about (although the polite thing to do is to keep your opinions to yourself unless asked for them, but then she's not alone in not having got that memo).

APMF Sun 09-Dec-12 14:41:17

I like the bit about how your friend made it out as if it was a big deal that your child threw food onto the floor. It IS a big deal. I see this a lot when we eat out and I'm guilty of discreetly rolling my eyes. My DS did it a few times at home. Each time I lightly smacked his hand. He soon stopped.

Leafmould Sun 09-Dec-12 14:47:56

Sounds like she has a different cultural background to you. Don't be surprised if that does influence her quite strongly if/ when she does have children. Her children's behavior may surprise you in both positive and negative ways.

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 17:29:16

Thanks for replies all!

Thursday I know this. That's exactly why we arranged a girls' day/night out the day before for a proper catch up. The day with DD wasn't planned at all. My friend sprung it on me actually. She knew I'd just be at home with DD.

APMF We'll have to agree to disagree there. I don't think a handful of popcorn on the carpet deserves a smack! In fact I don't think anything deserves a smack. If that makes me a laid-back mum then I'm guilty as charged.

lolalotta Sun 09-Dec-12 18:43:21

APMF angry

lolalotta Sun 09-Dec-12 18:45:56

APMF by smacking aren't you teaching your child that if someone is doing something they don't like that it's ok to hit out??? Sorry that just DOESN'T make sense to me.

APMF Sun 09-Dec-12 18:57:40

He is almost 13 and apart from a period of biting while at nursery he has never hurt another child.

When he was old enough to understand I would explain to him why certain behaviour was not acceptable and that was enough but when he was two ....

APMF Sun 09-Dec-12 20:56:48

... and by the way, I did say that I lightly smacked DS as opposed to Whack!#%$#

lolalotta Sun 09-Dec-12 21:06:19

Like perchance says, will have to agree to disagree, sorry I just don't get smacking.

lolalotta Sun 09-Dec-12 21:08:25

How would you feel if an adult snaked you lightly to get a point across?

lolalotta Sun 09-Dec-12 21:08:48

Snaked= smacked!!!

APMF Sun 09-Dec-12 21:26:04

If you can't see the difference between lightly smacking a 2 year old to stop him throwing food on the floor and one adult hitting another then further conversation is a waste of my time [reaches for HIDE THREAD button]

APMF Sun 09-Dec-12 21:27:05

If you can't see the difference between lightly smacking a 2 year old to stop him throwing food on the floor and one adult hitting another then further conversation is a waste of my time [reaches for HIDE THREAD button]

PerchanceToDream Sun 09-Dec-12 21:32:40

That's just it though, isn't it? End of conversation. Smack! sad

YerMaw1989 Sun 09-Dec-12 23:06:46

I tried smacking once with my DS it actually made him more aggressive, I just stopped and did other types.

Curtsey Mon 10-Dec-12 16:26:58

I do feel for you OP, because it sounds like you think highly of your friend and enjoy her company and value her opinions- and if you hold similar views on many things of course you want her 'approval' about your parenting and your DD. I have a friend who sounds v similar to yours so I kind of get where you're coming from.
I just think there's not a thing in the world that can be done about it. You don't know til you know, eh?

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