Is this likely to be 'sexual' or not (11 year old boy) and what shall I do??

(44 Posts)
NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:05:37

DD went to a sleepover party. she is a sensible, quite old fashioned almost 11 YO.
One boy went. The others were girls.
The boy has just turned 11.
He has a crush on DD.
She woke up to find he had been sleeping on the bed next to her (supposedly because the others swapped beds while DD was asleep an there was no where else for him to go.)
She got a real shock when she woke up and really felt that her privacy had been invaded.

He and the host were spreading this info around the playground (ie that they were in the same bed sad) so the class teacher has now been involved. (Teachers have been very supportive of dd.)

I don't know much about 11 year old boys. Is his motivation likely to have been remotely sexual, at this age? What you you do (if anything)? His parents don't know, btw.

Am trying to stick to the facts but am actually really upset about this.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:16:04


achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:26

Has she told you all the details - 'privacy' is a subjective term. It is probably up to you to decide, based on what she has told you, whether it was inappropriate.

Frontpaw Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:49

Had there been any physical contact of any type? On or in the bed?

I'm not really up on 11 year olds but in my day it would have been innocent enough.

How's your DS?

Frontpaw Fri 09-Nov-12 14:19:59

DD not DS.

CindySherman Fri 09-Nov-12 14:21:25

When she woke up did she feel like there had been any physical contact?

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:22:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poledra Fri 09-Nov-12 14:22:56

Well, at 11 yo, I would not have non-family children sharing a room - did you know this was going to happen before the sleep-over?

I don't know that his motivation would have been sexual, if he was sleeping on the bed rather than in it iyswim, but he would certainly have known that his behaviour would make her feel uncomfortable. If he felt that nothing untoward had occured, he wouldn't have spread it all round the playground would he?

I would be preventing your DD from going to sleepovers at the host's house, because her behaviour shows that she is not a friend of your DD, and asking the school to escalate this as bullying, not the he had to sleep next to her as there was nowhere else to sleep which may theoretically be true, but because of the playground info spreading.

Focus on getting your DD to see that this is poor behaviour on their part and to focus her friendship on other friends.

as an aside, have you / your daughter spoken to any of the other friends who swapped beds that night - was it the host's idea for a "laugh" at your daughter's expense? I suspect that the host is involved in this more than she may seem, which would reduce the chance of a sexual motive but increase the chance of a malicious one.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:26:38

I guess she just had a real sense of her personal space being encroached upon. She is was upset at the time as she felt let down by her friends as they allowed him to get so close to her while she was asleep, even though they know he displays a lot of unwanted attention towards her.

she is still upset as this boy is rather obsessed with her, but deals with her lack of interest in him by being vile to her on a daily basis. The school teachers have noticed how he is towards her and are monitoring it closely.

i didnt want to give too much detail in the OP as i felt the need to explore his behaviour on the sleepover as an isolated incident. to try to be objective, i guess.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:32:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It sounds like the host was setting him up or almost baiting him for a laugh at your daughter's expense.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:37:15

sorry, very slow typing.

everyone her is speaking so much sense. thanks.

2 teachers have been involved.

ok... dont want to drip feed (as i really just wanted feedback about the bed episode) but there was also an issue about him having pics of DD on his ipod thingy against her wishes.

i only found out about the extent of the sleepover incident as i went to school to talk about the pics! teachers have spoken to the 'host' family, but only to me because i went in to see them about the pics!! they havent spoken to the boy's family at all, saying its so difficult when things occur out of school... The teachers have been great with dd but obviously it's a bit of a blunder to say the least not to have called me in immediately. but, as theyve been so kind, i dont want to focus on that angle.

how do i 'encourage' the school to raise the issue with the boy's family? or is it down to me to do that? the hots havent contacted me either...

agree that separate rooms should have been provided.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:38:40

'hosts', not hots!

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 14:41:32

I think that is projecting boundaries of an older child on an 11 year old. I doubt very much he would have known it would have known it would make her feel uncomfortable at 11 years old, firoverbabylon, Particularly if they all swapped beds and he was left to sleep on her bed.

I m not sure it is malicious or sexual to be honest. My instinct would be that this may have been orchestrated by the other girls but more with the intent of teasing rather than anything more sinister,mor it was a purely innocent circumstance.

I must say if my child at 11 was invited to a sleep over at 11, male or female and where likely to be naturally uncomfortable with the presence of the opposite sex, I think I may have made a per judgement and made the decision not to send them. Surely you knew her temperament, ie quite old fashioned makes me think you have a good grasp of where she is surrounding this kind of stuff.

Maybe your dds attitude is slightly more grown up and aware than the others and that is what is alarming you. I tend to find the situation quite innocent, nothing suggests the boy victimised your dd at the time.

I suspect he has gone along with the playground stuff to save face and he is as much the victim of the subsequent bullying as your dd is.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 09-Nov-12 14:41:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PropositionJoe Fri 09-Nov-12 14:42:02

Highly highly unlikely to have been sexual in any way (my sons are 11 and 13). Still an unpleasant situation, but only the same as if it were a girl that were obsessed with her.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:43:04

fire and beer, have re read your posts and you are spot on. it is bullying. and that is the school's 'department'. i will think carefully about how to respond.

Chandon Fri 09-Nov-12 14:46:07

As a mother of a 10 yo boy, I would say it was " romantic" rather than sexual.

Boys that age are often a bit tough and cool around their male friends. But secretly soppy about girls they like.

My son has a crush on a girl, and I know he would like to stroke her hair. He won't I am sure. We had a few chats about appropriate behaviour and respect towards girls.

In my DS case, he is still very much a little boy with a big crush and nothing sinsister. Not saying that that would be the case for all boys, I guess...

If my son would be telling his mates about sharing a bed, I would have a serious chat with him about what he means and what he thinks he is doing!

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 14:47:06

It's difficult to understand the context or contents of these pictures. Could it be that dd thinks something wrong has occurred and is spooked and so is saying that the pictures where taken without her consent. What are the pictures of?

BalloonSlayer Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:25

The thing that strikes me is that if my DD came home saying "X slept on the same bed as me and I feel uncomfortable about it," once I had ascertained that no physical contact had taken place I would have reassured her that nothing was meant by it and felt personally that there was no sexual context to this, and thought little more of it.

HOWEVER if X and the party host were then "spreading this info around the playground (ie that they were in the same bed " I would interpret this as X and the host seeing that there IS a sexual context to this incident - or, more accurately - trying to attach a sexual context to it at my daughters expense, at which my klaxon would go off and I would be on the Express train to PissedOffVille, calling at HeadTeacher's Office, X's parents and Host's Parents.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:33

enthusiastic troll, two points. it was a massive error of judgement on my part to let her go. i accept that and am furious with myself.

secondly, i absolutely know that he initiating this and not following the others or saving face, as you suggest may be the case. dd's version of events has been supported by 2 teachers and a TA who observe his behaviour towards her at school.

(oh and my dd is very emotionally and physically mature for her age, but is no more sexually aware than the average 10 yo.)

Suzieismyname Fri 09-Nov-12 14:51:18

All children are different. My niece was attacked by her neighbour's boy when they were both 10. He pulled down her pants and was trying to 'hump' her. Fortunately my sister got there as soon as she started screaming (kids were upstairs).

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:52:55

balloon, my reaction was just like yours! it occurred in 2 stages, but i havent done the storming bit. yet.

the pics were 'harmless' pics from the party but he was using them as his background against her wishes and just added to her feely of being 'obsessed over'.

Viviennemary Fri 09-Nov-12 14:53:32

I thought mixed sex sleepovers were a total 'no-no'. It really isn't a good idea at all.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:54:09

screen background, i mean.

achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 14:54:49

If the pictures are indecent the boy has committed a criminal offence and if this happened while the others were there they have colluded in it. You really need to get her to tell you exactly what happened, if not, she can look at the CEOP website to find definitions of what sexual contact exactly is. Childline could also help - it may be very difficult for her to talk to you about it.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 14:57:55

achillea, she was tucked up in her sleeping bag during the night. i really don't sense that he was physical with her in any way. it was just really a question of whether the motivation was sexual, rather than what actually happened. thank you for your advice. hope i wont ever need to look into that link sad

Viviennemary Fri 09-Nov-12 14:58:49

When you say host you presumably mean an adult. You are right to be extremely upset. I think this irresponsible person should have a visit from the police.

Corygal Fri 09-Nov-12 14:59:39

Nothing sexual happened: no attempt, incident or even suggested harrassment involved. So even if the boy had a crush on DD sexual feelings aren't part of the equation, you can't push for that.

Are you entirely sure that escalating this into some kind of assault is the smartest move you could make? To me the priority would be enabling your DD to deal with it firmly and calmly.

I agree that is was a nasty thing to happen, and what with the ipod pix and all, a little freaky. So it's worth keeping an eye on at school, but I think losing the awful friends and getting some perspective would do her more of a favour.

As for 'having pics of DD on his ipod thingy against her wishes', are you seriously suggesting she seeks a super-injunction? Is DD really Apple Paltrow?

We deserve to know.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 15:00:02

Are we in agreement a need to request that the school speak to this boy's parents? How should i word it? (given that they are focussing on the 'out of school' angle).

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 15:03:20

cory, i'm not sure i'm escalating anything. what makes you say that?

As for your comment 'having pics of DD on his ipod thingy against her wishes', are you seriously suggesting she seeks a super-injunction? Is DD really Apple Paltrow? ' why not pop off to the Chat forum if you want banter. this is a serious thread about real people and a real problem.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 15:05:08

vivienne, the 'host' (child) was involved in the playground gossip. the adult 'hosts' were spoken to by the school.

achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 15:08:37

If there was nothing sexual and no offence and it wasn't on school premises it has nothing to do with school. If your dd reported abuse of some kind then that would be referred to social services and if indecent images were involved it would go to the police.

School can't be there to supervise sleepovers, I think you need to speak to the boy's parents and the sleepover host yourself. Is there any reason why you haven't?

Viviennemary Fri 09-Nov-12 15:11:22

Sorry I misunderstood. You sound satisfied that nothing untoward happened but you are right to be concerned about photos on an i-pod and spreading things round the playground. Because this certainly is bullying.

NotLinda Fri 09-Nov-12 15:11:29

i agree, achillea, but others have said that the 'bullying' angle is relevant to the school. i havent spoken to anyone as i only spoke to the teachers yesterday

NotLinda you say in your OP that there was only one boy there - the boy who has a crush on your DD. Do you know how he came to be invited? It seems odd to only have one boy, as opposed to a number of them, unless this was all somehow being planned.

This boy presumably has photos of your daughter taken whilst she was unconscious and couldn't give consent and is showing them around the playground. The host child is aiding and abetting him with this. This is the issue that the school have to deal with. The boy should know when it is / is not appropriate to take photographs of another person. The girl is bullying your daughter by humiliating her in the playground by attaching meaning to this sleepover situation which wasn't originally there.

Iamlosingit Fri 09-Nov-12 15:42:12

If any of my sons behaved in this way I would want to be told, simply because with others knowing, rumours can start and something that was innocent can become sinister. Although its a difficult subject to approach ,I would be annoyed at everyone involved( school, DD,yourself) for not allowing me as the boys parent to confront, talk to , and educate my child on his behaviour, and to allow him the chance to apologise for his actions.

ilovetermtime Fri 09-Nov-12 16:14:46

I agree Iamlosingit, I'd want to know too. I think that some of the replies on here are blowing this up into a much bigger thing than it needs to be. Just speak to the boys mum/dad and tell her/him that her son's crush on your daughter is making her uncomfortable and could she have a word with him about reining it in. I don't think that him sleeping next to her was sexual, he would have just wanted to be close to her that's all.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 16:35:40

I think there are assumptions about the photos being made on this thread OP, could you put some more context about the pictures here if possible. jumping to the conclusion that she was unconsciousness and he has photographed her is really very harmfull to suggest, we are talking about a 10 year old child here. OP said they are harmless. I fear that 2 + 2 is coming up with 5.

I'm going to be honest and say, be very careful op this not going to get blown out of the water and be treated far more serious than is need, just remember as you and dd want to protect her dignity and repulsion please remember the same for the 10 year old boy in question also.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 16:37:02

Reputation...not repulsion sorry that was autocorrect

Lougle Fri 09-Nov-12 17:08:25

I can't see anywhere on this thread, any implication that the photos were ones of the DD whilst she was sleeping. I think that is an erroneous assumption.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Fri 09-Nov-12 20:43:56

3 different incidents I think - sleepover, photos taken at a party and subsequent bullying. Is that right OP?

Was there a history of bullying before the sleepover because your daughter seems already to have been uncomfortable around him?

I would get hold of the bullying policy from the school to inform you about what the procedures are. It's great that the teacher/TA are supportive but I would escalate it and ask to speak to the Head. I would insist that his parents be informed so that they are aware of his behaviour towards your DD in school. To nip it in the bud, so they can talk to him about it etc. I would also request that the sleepover is mentioned to the parents because that is what the bullying is about.

This boy sounds like a right charmer, btw. sad

TheEnthusiasticTroll Fri 09-Nov-12 20:48:47

The boy sounds like right charmer...ffs he is just 11, get a grip.

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