Hitting

[Gog]

Has anyone out there got a 22 month old darling who insists on pulling hair, slapping etc.? I have been told that is what little boys do, but I am sorry I cannot accept that. It is getting to the stage where I am reluctant to go to any parent and toddler groups as it is too embarrassing when I am given disappointed looks from other mothers. Oh by the way I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who he also insists on slapping, poking ........ I am not looking for the model toddler. He is a lovely boy with a bubbly fun personality who lets himself down by this need to slap/pull hair/push over anyone he comes into contact with - is there anyone out there who has experienced this behaviour? If so how did they deal with it?

[Janh]

gog, this didn't start with the arrival of the beautiful baby sister by any chance?

[Rhiannon]

Yep, I had one of those! And I have a friend whose little boy does it too. In my experience it's a boy thing. He'll grow out of it when he's about 6 as mine has just about.

I just followed him everywhere trying to anticipate what he was going to do before he did it. One of the favourites was pushing smaller children over.

The advice I would give would be to remove him from a situation where he was being 'unacceptable' to sit on the stairs or by your side etc. Never ever make threats you are not going to carry out. ie if you tell him you will be going home if he hits again etc - then you must take him home so he understands the consequences of his actions. It might still be a bit early for this though.

[Binza]

Yes I've been there and come through the other side. Only to have that behaviour replaced by the dreaded "NO" and "WHY" syndrome!! I too stopped going to toddler group etc because he used to hit anyone and everyone but, I decided that he would never learn if he was always on his own so I gritted my teeth and kept going. I can't say it was particularly good for me as I was constantly on edge and quite paranoid for a while. Everytime any child cried I immediately looked for him to see if he was resposible. Poor little guy used to get the blame even if he was innocent. I just used to apologise to the others and think to myself "they're all capable of doing it and it might just as easily be you're child next week" I would tell my son off everytime he did hit and on a couple of occaisions I did hit him back. I know that's not the right example but it did show him how unpleasant it is to be on the receiving end for a change. It's just a phase (I know that awful chant!) and it's probably just a little bit worse for you because of the new baby and he's getting attention by doing it. I often find if I say that he makes me sad when he's naughty my little chap will go out of his way to put the smile back on my face and we usually both end up in fits of giggles. Good luck with it and remember it's not forever.

[Tigermoth]

Yes, Just as Rhiannon and Binza have said, I'm sure he'll grow out of it and I echo their advice. I've had a boy who was lovely one minute, and a hitter the next. By the time he was 6, he had grown out of hitting. too. But it's not easy having to cope with both the parents and other children's reactions to your son's behaviour, is it? You just have to keep on watching and apologising.

On another message thread, someone gave some very useful advice on behavour: Every time he hits out, as well as punishing him, tell him to 'use his words' and keep reinforcing how to behave as well as how not to. And, as a practical tip, advised cutting his nails very regularly to minimise the risk of scratching another.

I suppose your son is a bit young for this at the moment, but it might be worth bearing in mind if the hitting continues. As a young toddler my son tended to hit when he was tired or over-excited, by the way. Big groups, like birthday parties, often saw him at his worst. Perhaps you could avoid some of these, and concentrate on more peaceful gatherings for a while. Though I have to admit I didn't do this. I just gritted my teeth and took him along.

My son grew out of hitting girls first - age 3 to 4. His early toddler hitting tended to merge into play fights with boys. Then the hitting aspect gradually diminished from 4 to 6 years to be replaced by other things - perhaps because he got fed up with missing so many school playtimes. I know he hated it when this happened - a little self interest works wonders.

[Jbr]

There's no reason why this is "boys" behaviour, I think it's just babies! Still it isn't really acceptable. My older sister was like this,so my Mam says. She even bit my Dad's leg once! Jack hasn't done this, except once when a visitor actually stole his sweets out of his hand! He pushed him and grabbed them back. I wasn't best pleased with him but even less pleased about the sweets being nicked from him in the first place.

It was just a case my Mam reckons of growing out of it, and in the meantime punishing when necessary.

[Gog]

Thanks everyone for your comments which I have found very supportive and it's nice to know that I am not the only one out there - it just seems like it at the moment. No this hasn't just started with the arrival of his sister, however I don't think it has helped either. I think I must try and be a bit more realistic in my expectations of him and as advised continue to anticipate his every move when we are in parent/toddler situations. It would seem there is no cure for this and it is something which he will grow out of. He is a lovely natured little boy who laughs a lot and is able to play, but in a split second could turn to hitting - why?
He will be two in August and due to start nursery do any of you feel this will help channel his energies - I am worried that he may not settle and his hitting may become worse. I do feel this is something that I must try but hope he is not asked to 'leave'. Looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel!

[Azzie]

Gog, make sure you discuss this with his key carer at nursery. They will have come across this loads of times, and may have some suggestions that you haven't thought of. And as for toddler groups etc, pick your times but don't stop going altogether and isolate yourself totally. A friend of mine did this and we all missed her terribly, even though her son had been hitting/pushing our kids. I think that as long as you're seen not to condone his behaviour, and seem to be trying to stop him, many mums (although sadly not all) do understand that it is a phase he's going through. And hold onto the fact that it will get better as he gets older - after all, 22 months is a difficult age for all concerned!

[Tigermoth]

Yes, do keep going to toddler groups, Gog and be proactive in talking to the nursery staff when your son starts nursery. I have always found nursery staff very helpful and pleased I am being open with them and willing to cooperate. It must make their job a little easier. And they do not expect 2 and 3 year olds to be angels. It's likely that they will have dealt with so many hitting and biting incidents that they will have lost count!

Just another suggestion. If you are getting really stressed out visiting toddler groups etc, perhaps you could shorten the length of your visits for a while. This would at least diminish the risk of your son getting over excited or over tired.

[Marina]

Gog, don't pass on your nursery place. They will definitely be able to put your mind at rest. My son is in a small group of rising twos at his nursery and they all have a good biff at each other on a regular basis. Like yours, mine is a sweet, fundamentally good-natured little boy who shows plenty of signs of beginning to understand that his actions affect other people. We are emphasising this when we catch him taking a swipe, and making him say sorry. The nursery staff can very easily spot the difference between lashing out in frustration at being two, and persistent aggressive behaviour. I hope all these messages have reassured you that lots of other parents have this happen and feel just as unhappy about it as you do. It is normal!

[Eulalia]

I don't think this is typically boys behaviour - probably age related. Round about age 2 is difficult. My boy has never hit but he did have a very short jealousy phase round about 20 months when he would push other people away from me. Fortunatley it only lasted a few weeks. Now he even lets me pick up other babies and cuddle them (he is 23 months now). I am sure that the new baby is not helping your sons feelings of insecurity Gog but once he has learned to accpet the new baby and if you are able to give him some time he will be OK. Certainly I would think he will be fine by august.

[Gog]

Tigermoth, Marina, Azzie & Eulalia thanks for all your advice it really has helped me. I thought I was the only Mum in the world this was happening too, but you have reassured me that 'it is only a phase' ...... recently it has been getting down and I have been really stressed out and not enjoying our new arrival. However, today and your words of support have made me look at the situation differently and given me hope that it won't last forever.

[Gog]

Tigermoth, Marina, Azzie & Eulalia thanks for all your advice it really has helped me. I thought I was the only Mum in the world this was happening too, but you have reassured me that 'it is only a phase' ...... recently it has been getting down and I have been really stressed out and not enjoying our new arrival. However, today and your words of support have made me look at the situation differently and given me hope that it won't last forever.

[Selja]

Just found this thread after dh picked ds up from nursery to be told he's hit one the carers in the face. He's been doing this on and off and we've been at a loss as to what to do to stop him. Now I've read this I'm really depressed as it seems he could be doing this for years. We've put him down and told him its naughty, we're going to try the time out method next. Is there any short term hope?

[Green]

yup, me too selja - ds is 21 months and is hitting like a trooper. How old is your son?

Sometimes he does it because he thinks its funny, or othertimes you can just see on his face he is trying to provoke. He hits me the most, but will also hit other children, and has been known to hit other adults whilst at playgroups.

When do you think the right age is to start time out - i don't think ds would understand about staying in one place - i would have to close a door on him (which i have done a couple of times - frankly he doesn't even seem that bothered when I do it). This isn't possible at toddler groups though.

[Selja]

Ds is two tomorrow. He doesn't seem too bothered about time out either. He thinks its funny when he hits out. It seems to bother him when we put him on the floor and won't pick him up again so maybe I'll persevere with that.

[Tigermoth]

Around the age of 23/24 months my son was a sometime biter - about once a week. He's now 27 months and hasn't bitten for approx 11 weeks. Don't know if he'll bit again. Whatever - the chance is smaller.

IMO three possibilties explain this:

1. It was a phase.
2. Time out alone in his cot worked. Both his childminder, dh and I did this consistently.
3. Going to a great holiday nursery for two weeks and making friends with 2 or 3 other 2-year boys who didn't bite helped our son learn what was acceptable behaviour.

Since he can't really tell us, I don't know which of the three caused him to stop, but IMO time out was effective.

He is now entering a slight hitting phase, so we will use time out again and see what happens this time.

[Green]

please will someone tell me how i could go about using time out effectively with a 21 month old who is pretty clued up (ie. understands quite a lot). or is there a particular book i should look up how to do it.

any tips appreciated - thanks very much.

[Ems]

Green, try Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green.

[Lulu40]

My ds is 4 now and has been through the whole range of horrid behaviour biting, hitting, kicking even spat once! His biting has finally stopped thank god. He is at nursery and whilst he was in the younger age group this behaviour is seen as very normal but now he is in the big kids room ie. pre-school the nursery are coming down quite hard on it although personally I dont think you can expect a 3 or 4 year old to manage their emotions as well as say a 10 year old. I am praying every day that he grows out of it by the time he gets to school and know only too well the stress it can cause you its horrible. Most nurseries will however be used to this sort of behaviour as really its because the children are frustrated/jealous in some way and anger is often the way it is expressed and you should not worry too much about taking him nursery staff are well used to it.

[Mimie]

My 5 month's old son fell on the hard wood floor from a 10 inches mattress. He cried out loudly at the moment in my arm but just for a couple minutes. And then he smile and play as usual. I have called for somebody for advice. But she said if he was not vomitting and he should be fine. I am just worry about if this would cause any injury in his brain. Can anyone help?

[ExpatKat]

Mimie, if you can believe it, my son (now a happy and apparently not mentally impaired 2-year-old) has had three similar falls since he was born. One happened with me; one with his father; one with his grandmother. On one occasion, unlike your son, he actually vomitted, so I sought medical attention. I was told he'd probably gotten something called an "instantaneous concussion"i.e. a concussion that lasts only for an instant. Like your son, he was normal and playing happily just minutes later after each of the falls. Our g.p. advised us to watch for continued vomitting, visual impairment and/or excessive sleepiness. None of these occurred. I concluded that these little ones can stand up to a lot more than we realize, andas you can imagine--I breathed a huge sigh of relief once he reached about 18 months and was finally steady on his feet. By the way, 10 inches doesn't sound like a great distance, and if all he did was cry, I really wouldn't worry. Just be on the lookout for unusal behaviour, like that described by my g.p.