Mumsnet Talk

today i got cross but have been limiting my shouting big time...proud about that...and now he says mummy stop talking "funny" which i take means angry/strange....so it seems to be having an effect in that he is noticing a ocnsequence

i stoop down and look in eyes and hold him tight and say no biting/hitting etc

what do you do?

It works best for me if I look really sad and hurt/disappointed - Darling don't ever hit me, you hurt Mummy - pile on the guilt! Alternatively calmly say 'No hitting - it's not nice' and ignore it; the bigger deal I make about any kind of bad behaviour, the more likely I am to see it I find!

thanks - am never sure if showing you are hurt is actually good though have to amdit done that myself too!

how else are they going to learn?

I would say "Stop! in a very firm voice, then take the hand he had hit with, stroke it gently and say "Gentle hands. You don't hurt Mummy".

but I am a sap...

Depends how old? I would say in a very firm voice 'No, we do not hit. Hitting hurts people' and then moving dd away so that she is not getting attention for the bad behaviour. With my 3 1/2 year old I back this up with getting her to think about how she hates it when she gets hit.

Can you explain the not showing you are hurt theory bumbly? I don't want to psychologically scar the kids; thought it was teaching them to be compassionate by showing how their actions affect people (me!).

If i told them I was hurt, they would laugh at me!

I do more like Bumbly says, tell them it isn't accepetable and they get a consequence.

actually been all the below - but perhaps best to find one that ticks with him!!!

Cry.

will cool off as well as prob an element of giving this behaviour too much attnetion!

but i cant help

i just dont like being hit by my own child!!!!

My DD has had one day of trying hitting as a strategy and and one day of biting.

We have a half glass door between the living room and the kitchen so she can see through.

I told her 'no biting/hitting' very firmly and put her in the kitchen for about 10 seconds.

I'm feeling really harsh now as nobody else has been so drastic.

It did work though. Now, if she tries it again as she occasionally does, I just say, quite nicely, something like 'Don't bit me' or 'I don't want to be hit' 'Be gentle' and she stops.

I usually explain why she was feeling angry too. It usually happens when I want us to leave the swings if it happens at all at the moment, so I say something like, 'Your angry becasue you were having fun, but we need to go and get lunch now.'

sorry - you're

oh yes whne told him firly no hitting he got quite distressed but i am assuming that is because he is getting message slowly

is slowly not biting me and less hitting!

we do similar to LaTrucha. If dd hits deliberately (which she does do, particularly when I am trying to do something and not paying her 100% attention) I tell her it really hurt me and that it is not nice. I say this whilst bending down to her level and I do use a firm voice.

I ask her to apologise. some of the time she will, but most of the time she won't and will shout at me "I NOT SAY SORRY. I NOT SORRY". I then take her by her arm and move her out of whichever room I am in, over the "line" into the next room/hallway. I tell her she must stay there until she can say sorry. I stand right near her loking sad (and i move her back over the line if she tries to get past me).

Eventually she will say sorry and we will cuddle and then play together.

My theory is that I cannot just leave it, because if I don't discipline now, at what stage will I start? And if I ignore it, or just look "hurt" she would not care and would go on playing with her toys. This way, the consequence is that she has to see me feeling sad, and do something about it before she can do something she wants to.

I don't think it the perfect method, but she is getting better, often she now tells me she wants to hit me, or will apologise immediately and then not do it again. There are only a few ocasions where she is in such a rage that she can't help herself.

Oh and I also tell her that she can hit the sofa, a cushion, the floor etc rather than mummy if she is cross.

I think dd is a similar age to your son if I remember correctly (26months?) and is a similar temperament

Oh dear, I have an absolute no tolerance to hitting bitting. If they hit (which they don't do often at all) It's a very loud no, we don't hit, never ever, we don't hit anyone. And it's in the corner for three minutes for oldest, 2 minutes for yuoungest. My youngest has only bitten once, he was about 18 months old, and he still had to go in the corner.

THey have to apologise and hug afterwards.

There are some things that I think ignoring is best (tantrums, if DS sais something like 'I don't love you mummy' I say oh well, I know you love me, you're just upset..., etc.) but hitting is simply not an option in our family.

Am I too strict? I don't think so, but I just can't be dealing with two boys who might often fight when they grow older.

thanks loads for reposnses

i am glad others are strict like me as exactly ...when would you start otherwise

today he has been hitting pictures of babies in his toddler books

he then immediately came and told me about it..

does your toddler hit pictures too?

also if hits me now or this book he immeidately says - "did i just hit it?"...as if guilty/confused...but is still doing it.

oh well...just hate that silence...after of me confused/abgry and toddler waiting to see my repsonse

hubby said perhaps am psycho analysing things to much

i would let him hit pictures, my dd understand what is "real" and what is "pretend" or "picture" so if he does too, then there is no worry about him hitting pretend things is there? if dd hits her cuddly toys though, i do sometimes say "ahh, poor xxx, you hurt him then" just to make the point, but I don't take it seriously. Hitting the dog, cat, or us though really is not tolerated.

I wouldn't psycho analyse it, toddlers are contrary beings, and i think it is just easier if you decide a plan of action and stick to it until it works. consistency is the key!

I turn his 'naughty hand' on himself and give him a slap with his own hand.

Gently of course

Usually diffuses the situation with a bit of silliness.

I say, "No," very firmly, and stroke his hands while explaining that we use gentle hands. If he does it again I repeat the above and I say I will take a toy away (usually his Ninky Nonk or one of his cars), and if he persists I take the toy away. If he continues he goes into "sad time" for 2 minutes. After he comes out I ask him if biting is a good thing or a bad thing. He replies a bad thing. I say that hitting is bad and it makes mama feel very sad. This usually puts a stop to it.

If he deliberately pushes or hits his baby sister I'll make a big fuss of her while completely ignoring him in the first instance. If he persists in hitting her he has to go into his room to play instead.

Mine is nearly 3 though, so a bit older. We are slowly starting to see the light at the end of the terrible 2 tunnel!

oh my god last two posters some fab advice there

thank you!!!!!!!!!! stroking him striasght after add comfort and but also reinfroces being gentle!!!!!

thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should add: we stopped saying things like, "That isn't kind," as all he heard/understood was "kind", and then couldn't understand why I was so cross!

We have had major issues with biting, and the only thing that has worked is making a big fuss out of him when he's being good and "love bombing" him. He was feeling very sad and inesecure for a number of reasons, and me shouting at him and putting him into time out was making things worse. By telling him that he is my special, good boy, and telling him all the time how much I love him, his behaviour has improved out of all recognition. We also took him to a cranial osteopath, but as I say, his behaviour was out of control. I've had numerous threads on it.

well he bit me today and i just left hm

i was getting ready for his nap and nwouldnt play game way he wanted

forgot to do the gentle thing and just said i am going as dont want toplay with smeone who bites me

have milk with daddy

he was upset and they are not upstairs

today first time he bit me hard with teeth

ds doesn't really hit but he scratches me. I usually say NO in a really firm voice, and say "scratching is nasty" and either plonk him firmly on the floor, or walk away from him. He's pretty good in that he'll immediately regret it and beg to say sorry, in which case we hug and I'll reinforce in a gentler voice, we don't scratch mummy, we don't scratch daddy, we don't scratch [his childminder], we don't scratch [his childminder's son] ad infinitum, he likes to add everyone in. I usually finish up saying we don't scratch anyone because scratching isn't nice.

He's 2.2.

He hasn't stopped it completely, but he's getting better and the fact that he regrets it instantly is a good sign I think, and I think he only does it because he loses control momentarily, pretty understandable in a toddler not yet in full control of his emotions.

well he hit and bit me today and i lost my cool

and he keeps wanting me back when i sya i don't want to be with someone who bites me

think that may be getting the message across

he has to stay with daddy and play while i cool off!