Mumsnet Talk

God, this is a brutally honest one, no punches pulled.

Dd1 has always been slightly 'different'. She has always played by herself in complex imaginary worlds. She has always been touchy, awkward and a bit gauche. She does do odd, sometimes irritating things like make weird screaming noises, and keep repeating the same thing over and over. She just doesn't 'connect' with people.

However, now she has got to 6yo and Year 1, it is starting to get really problematic. My heart breaks for her when she comes home from school every night with another story about being bullied and hated.

She says all the children tell her to 'Get Lost'. She developed a friendship with a new girl who started at the school this year, but within weeks, this girl was telling her she hated her.

What the hell do I do? Even at home, her strange behaviour is starting to get on our nerves. The strange obsessiveness about toys, the refusal or inability to see anyone else's point of view, the strange squeaking noises.

Is a child psychiatrist going to be able to help or shall I just leave her be, with love and support, to develop her own personality, albeit a fairly anti-social one???

What has the teacher said about the situation?

Must be so so awful for you both

Perhaps a child psychologist can help all of you understand her better.

I would ask her class teacher what s/he thinks, and if the schol could bring in an educational psychologist to see if they can help your dd at all.

Strange behavior, repetitive words. Has she been assessed?

Could she possibly be autistic?

Strawberriesandcherries, the teacher doesn't really seem aware. I think she thinks that dd likes being by herself and is quite happy on the sidelines. In reality she comes home every day saying she has been sat on th bench at breaktimes. I have mentioned it a few times, but never had any particular response from the teachers.

I wonder if they actually know her, because all the schoolchildren in her year just blank her when I see them together. it is just heartbreaking when she brings home all these horrible stories, and yet dh believes it is all her fault for being antisocial.

purpleduck, maybe you're right. We do need to understand her better. She has got a heart of gold, and wants to be liked. She just never listens and is in her own world.

I'd ask for a referral to an educational psychologist, tbh, because although I am being brutal to try to be kind, her behavior isn't normal and, more importantly, she's unhappy.

Your poor DD. If its any consolation my DD does the weird repetitive squeaking for no reason, she's 8. However she does have friends, though her best friend is a fellow squeaker. It does annoy some other kids though, the CM's boy got fed up and decked her one the other week.

How about something like this to maybe help you discuss with her how to be friends with other children.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258324 658&sr=8-3

Lynettescavo, I have asked the school, but they just ran a mile and acted as if they really couldn't be bothered to 'have another special need' in the class. Sorry if that sounds harsh on them!

ilovemydog, I have always suspected there is something odd, but the school are not responsive, even though they admit there is something. I keep thinking it will go away, but it gets worse and worse.

I made the mistake of expressing my concerns to a couple of mums on a night out once, and am now convinced that they are judging her or even gossiping.

I think she has almost certainly got aspergers or dsypraxia, or both. Again, I can't seem to get anyone in the slightest bit interested.

Do you invite children back for tea? If so how does she get on with them at home?

If school aren't been helpful in getting a referral go to your GP. Or if you can afford it to avoid waiting lists go private. It cost us £400 for DD to see an Ed Psych for dyslexia.

Hi Feelso

I can imagine it took a certain amount of courage to post your message. My eldest DD, who is now an adult, had problems of a similar nature and still does to a certain extent, and in hindsight I think I should have pushed to be seen by a professional so I would know I did what I could to have helped. It won't hurt to see one so there's nothing to lose. Hope things improve for you all.

Can't you get a referral through your GP?

It is hard, I've been trying to get some help for my ds (although he is much much younger and the situations are totally different!) through my HV and GP and have been basically told to naff off. I would be asking for a referral and camping at the surgery until your GP did it though, personally.

see if you can get hold of the unwritten rules of friendship - i've only briefly browsed it, not gone through in detail, but what i've seen so far has looked potentially quite helpful, especially at this age (my dd1 is 6, too) when ime they're still open to learning this kind of stuff. you may also find it reassuring to recognise her challenging behaviours in some of the types described - i know i did.

Yes, colditz, you're right. We know her behaviour is odd, and we always have known. I think it is beyond us to help her.

Dh just thinks that we need to discipline her more strictly. She is already being disciplined all the time because of her oddity, but it doesn't feel appropriate to me.

dh once talked about burning one of her toys. FGS how is that going to help?

He now wants to ban toys, to try and make her engage with the world more. I think the obsessiveness is a symptom, not the cause.

SKSS - that's so what she needs - a fellow oddball!

(sorry if not relevant, started writing that before posts about potential sn)

Gosh, thank you all. I am quite touched by the fantastic response and all your helpful tips.

In fact I feel quite tearful after the conversation with dh this evening. he is clearly at the end of his tether.

SKSS - I have invited friends for tea. Usually the friends seem to play with her younger sister, who is much more interested in social contact. DD gets possessive of toys and bored in their company.

Generally she is ok and seems to get on with them a little, but only the very kind ones iyswim.

I have made lots of friends, but even some of my friends in the same class tactfully decline whenever I invite their dc round. That is how i know things have got really bad.

feelso.. Having read what you have posted about your DD.. she sounds like my ds2. Who is ASD. Not saying she is but it might well be worth popping to the GP and have a chat with them as you might be able to get a CAMHS referral.

I'm no expert and jolly well could be wrong but seeing as she is unhappy and it's effecting her and your dh's relationship with her I'd pop along.

I really think your DH needs to realise that you can't punish her for being who she is. It sounds like you need help to understand how to get the best out of her.

My DD has a very poor working term memory according to the Ed Psych. Its the fact that I have officially been told that that stops me from screaming blue murder at her every morning at 8:35 when she still isn't dressed, decides she wants more breakfast and can't find her school bag, violin, etc.

I know she can't help it and punishing her would not help at all and would probably only make her sad and withdrawn.

Please get some professional advice.

I agree with you op, be careful your dh doesn't alienate her further and push her further into isolation.

Sounds like she needs more understanding not less, a ed pysch sounds like the way to go.

My DD used to struggle a bit if someone came over for tea. As an only child she is used to her own company and would happily ignore them if she couldn't be bothered. I used to have to get involved, ie; get a boardgame out and join in, or sit the two of them down with me and we'd all do Hama beads, etc.

oh, heartofgold, it is relevant, in fact I am just ordering it online. I think part of the problem is that she is borderline on many fronts, but possibly not extreme enough in any to get noticed.

I think i agree with urbandryad and boolifooli. I will take her to the GP again, the teacher again. I am being too easily fobbed off. i know there is a problem that gets worse not better all the time, and i need to draw a mental line under it. Enough is enough. I know. I think she is just about too young to have self esteem issues at the moment. She is unhappy day to day but doesn't get the bigger picture yet.

Just want to thank you all for helping.

You've gotten good advice about seeking a referral.
In the meantime you need to talk to your DH about your strategy at home. If school is horrible you need to give her a safe haven at home. Even without her "odd" beaviours her self esteem needs to be bolstered.
When she is assessed you can be guided by them - hopefully won't be too long.

Your husband is being a cock, and if I may be sexist for a moment, he is approaching this in a typically male way, in that the 'problem' is her unusual behavior, so if he can somehow terrorise her into silence the 'problem' is solved.

Clearly you know this is not the answer. You cannot stop her being who she is but she DOES need some help at school. If the school are sticking their heads in the sand NOW, they will become indescribably worse if she does actually get a statement of special needs.

I personally would tell your husband to shut the fuck up until he can think of something that is actually constructive, and I would bypass the school and go straight to the doctor. If the doctor is not helpful, I am pretty sure you can self refer to CAMHS

www.cypf.org.uk/camhs/national-camhs-support-service-ncss.html

I would definitely speak with the SENCo in school straight away. Ask for an appointment with her, and express your concerns. Keep at it, I don't know but it sounds like you really need a diagnosis to help your dd. Perhaps that would also help your dh to understand and be more sympathetic.