i had a lock on my door to keep my brother out when he was about that age. i'd have been about 10 when he was 3 and hated him.

i also got my own tv around that time as i couldn't bear to watch fireman sam one more time!!!

i don't think it was HIM i hated to be honest, it was just having a 3yr old around. i hated that you couldn't argue with him logically and that he didn't compromise or negotiate...

3yr olds are hard work and an 8 or 10yr old cannot be expected to be able to put up with them all the time.

I wasn't mad keen on my own three yr old to be honest (DD is now 5 and lovely) so I do wonder what 8 years olds make of them and their insanely annoying ways.

I expect I'd be pretty annoyed if someone sat on my head at night...this is not acceptable behaviour.

Reassure older DD that the younger one will improve, and that perhaps she could help this process? If the helping is not appealing separate them until younger child is more civilised.

I was a horrible child and my parent put a bolt and padlock on my brother's door so he could keep me out. I grew out of it by about 4.

You need to keep them apart as much as possible.

When siblings have very different temperaments (they would never choose one another as friends, for example), it can be immensely difficult for them to live together harmoniously. You need to give them both personal space.

I would stop the night-time thing - allow the older one to put a cabin lock on her door high up (that you can reach yourself from the outside) so she can 'protect' her space. When you hear the younger one rattling her door then get up and tell her to get to bed. If that does't work, put a cabin lock on her door so that she can't open it. I would REALLY crack down on the night time waking which sounds utterly horrible for your DD1.

Lots of good advice here also.

oh and also it sounds like your dd1 has lost patience with dd2 'getting away' with stuff; I mean, when dd2 pushes dd1's buttons as you describe, what consequence do you give her?

What consequence does she get for sitting on/waking up etc her sister?

I think one major issue would be to give your girls more time with their dad in sole charge of them. It sounds like he is quite peripheral to their lives and that's why they don't mind if he's off out like they would with you.

I think kids all need time in the sole care of their dads and it's amazing how often this doesn't happen. Think it's healthy for all; gives you a morning/afternoon off at weekends, gives them more trust and closeness to dad, gives dad a stronger bond with kids. No lose situation.

I think on the rivalry thing;
1. kids are absolute sticklers for fairness; if they see their sibling 'getting away' with something and not being picked up on it they will burn with resentment and anger; which of course just feeds the rivalry so it becomes an ever increasing circle like ripples in a pond
2. 3 year olds ARE annoying even to parents who are genetically programmed to adore them. Think your dd needs some space of her own and a feeling that she has stuff that dd2 can't trash and also that YOU as parents understand how dd1 feels

Just thoughts, hth

Was DD1 jealous of DD2 when she was a baby or is this hatred quite a new thing?

hmm, have just had a thought - I had twin sibs (B&G) who were ~4 yrs younger than me; although the viciousness you describe was absent, there was a lot of "winding up" that went on. My parents eventually let me put a hook and eye on my door to use when I was out, to stop them trashing my stuff. Perhaps you could put one on the inside that she could use hen she is in there - in the event of an emergency, it would be easy enough to burst through it but it would certainly keep a 3yo at bay.

Ask your 8 y o what she thinks might work (reasonable, nonviolent)and then help her instigate any sanction base on a reward system.

Sit your dds down together and explain that you are going to put dd1 in charge (when you are otherwise engaged)and that if dd2 is kind to her or does something nice for dd1, then dd1 is allowed to dish out a reward (give her a 'goodgirl point' if you have a chart system building up to have a sweet, trip to park, a story read to her etc)

Then dd2 sees dd1 as a source of treats (if she's good of course)and then after a while their relationship should improve. I would not advocate empowering your dd1 if she is not sensible though. The nice thing about this is that mum no longer has to get involved in their fights.

Good luck!

Good to hear that you have some good times as a family. Can you establish a routine ie 1st Sunday in a month is DD1's special time with mum and DD2's special time with dad and you both go separate ways for a hour or 2 - cinema or coffee/library/ice skating?? Anything. Doesn't have to be often, just to make each of them feel special. Then have 3rd Sunday afternoon a month dd2 time with mum and dd1 time with dad???

I see what you mean re daddy waltzing off. My dh does the same thing - I don't think he realises that it's not so easy for me. Maybe you need to also say that Sat mornings are YOUR time for getting some time to yourself. After all we ALL need a break now and again.

Have a chat with dh see if you can both work together to resolve your dd's issues. Do you think he would be open to that?