HELP!!! Temper Tantrims

[amy2310]

Ive got a daughter coming up to 18months (only child) and she has got a horrible temper on her. If she doesn't get her own way she bites either us or herself hard. Lays down on the floor and screams and also throws her self around. I have asked for advice from other people and all I seem to get is oh its normal and it'll get a lot worse than that. I dont want to hear that. If anyone has got any advive please feel free to share it with me.

[haven]

ds 23 months just recently started all that...it has gotten worse...not to mention he is a whiner also..

he does this anywhere we go....all i can say is ignore it....ds bites himeself almost drawing blood, slapps himself in the face, throws himself on the floor, throws stuff, i let him do atleast until he tries something on me like hitting or something or if i think he may get hurt, then i pull out the mommy tone, not holloring, or i pinch him, ( not aggresive like spanking i think), or i pick on him to make him madder, it tends to take his mind off what the tantrum started off being, or i ta-ta him, depending on the situation...

in the beginning i thought people were nuts when they said watch out for the tantrums..i have a 8 year old daughter that NEVER EVER did this sort of stuff.....at first i thought something was wrong...i sure didn't want to hear how normal it was..........i too wanted to hear how to fix it...i don't think their is a way...just found out what take her mind away from what made he mad..they just don't understand why they can't get what they want....heck..sometimes i don't understand why i can't get what i want..sorry to go on and on...just felt your pain when i read this one..good luck

[Fran1]

It is normal - this is because shes at an age where she wants to be more independent, but can't always do what she wants, and also won't have the language to convey what she wants so shes full of frustration.

BUT it won't necessarily get worse!

My dd had a temper around the same age, and i now have a 2 1/2 yr old angel! Honestly i cannot believe how well she behaves for me now, after all the fighting we had over every little task - getting dressed, putting shoes on etc.

She used to have full on tantrums, if i didn't need to go out, i just left her to a it until she calmed down. If we were in public i'd pick her up, hold her tightly to me (to stop arms and legs flapping) and would whisper in her ear to stop otherwise - (fill gap with an appropriate threat e.g we'll go straight home, you won't get your sweeties, i'll take the toy away etc etc).

The aggressiveness towards parents is horrible, i found it really hard to not react, but you have to avoid attention as much as poss in order for it to stop. I used to say a firm no and then sit her away from me, if she came over to me, i'd say i don't want to talk to you cos you've made me sad and i'd leave her to tantrum about it.

The thing to remember when these tantrums are going on is that they need to let out their frustration and you are not being a bad parent by leaving them. By ignoring, they are learning appropriate behaviour, and they are letting off steam which is far more beneficial to keeping it inside and becoming a withdrawn child who doesn't know how to deal with their anger.

Sorry for waffle, i hope this helps! Just wanted to say with good management it won't necessarily get worse!

[amy2310]

Hi thanks to you both for the help I do try and leave her as much as possible but its more in public that I give in for the fact of saving embarrasment to myself! Does that make me a bad mum? God knows what this will end up like but I am hoping that it improves because this is becoming such a strain on me. My hubby is in the navy and obviously goes away a lot and I feel like I am going to snap any day now and I dont want to at her obviously its not her fault.

[flum]

mine does it.

to be honest i never know what to do so i just try to distract her with something else. if i can't i just ignore her.

she does stop quite quickly but its a bit embarrassing if someone else is around.

she is only 15 months old. it is quite a recent thing though

[bigdonna]

hi amy2310 have u tried distracting her.My sisters husband is also in the navy,she found it very hard she had 3 under 4 and found it really hard having no one to moan or talk about it at the end of the day.I found when i nannied a little boy who used to headbut anything in his way i used to put him somewhere safe and tell him when he had finished to come and have a cuddle.sometimes i think they need just to get it out of their system.they soon grow out of it,thats if they dont get their own way that is .Hoping this is a little help.

[bobbybob]

Amy, you said she does this"if she doesn't get her own way". About what?

I think that toddlers tantrumming is common. That doesn't mean it is "normal", after all they don't all do it.

People telling you it is normal aren't really helping you because I sense you would like to try some new things to see if they help.

I have a couple of things which work really well for me, the boring cuddle and a food diary. Let me know if you would like any further details.

[Skribble]

Its not easy and the same thing never works twice. Stick to your guns and be as consistent as possible.

Make sure hubby or partner using same tactics and not rewarding tantrum behaviour.

Reassure and always look for a way out. eg Oh look at the big red car!. Try to head the tantrums off as early as possible, by changing the activity, topic or reasoning.

If all else fails jump about singing "I belive in a thing called love" until child is worried about your sanity and takes you home !!!!!

[amy2310]

Skribble thanks so much for that I haven't laughed so much in ages. I have been trying to distract her as much as possible but I find that I myself get very frustrated for various reasons like I cant calm her down, she wont listen to me for 2mins, she is halming her self in any way etc I know this is probably me wining but I cant seem to shake this with her. Bobbybob anything eg we are going out and have to put her toys away she doesn't want to and world war 3 starts I have said to her we can take 1 toy with us but thats not good enough or eating (now becomming much worse) messing around so I wont let her have desert if her dinner hardly gets touched or what I consider is enough (Dont worry Im not Hitler, make her eat every crumb!!) Thats it temper flys nothing gets eaten and my kitchen floor gets covered in food. If she picks something up that she shouldnt have I take it off her temper again flys I haven't spoilt her by letting her have what ever she wants but I sometimes think maybe life would be easier if I did give in but thats not the way ahead is it? I would appreciate as much help, advice and ideas as possible here please!! Thanks

Oh please tell me what DS and DD mean I am new here friend pointed me in this direction

[amy2310]

Oh when I take things off of her that she shouldn't have or is not allowed I do try and replace it with her toys or things that she is allowed. (Hope that made sense!!)

[Fran1]

dd means dear daugter and ds means dear son!

Amy your last posting sounds like me when i'm tired and stressed.
I have periods where too much else is going on in my life and i'm exhausted (work p/t and various other factors) and kind of lose touch with my Parenting side.

The way you describe your mealtimes etc reminded me of these times. I find i need to take a check on my situation, i try and slow down a little i.e don't make arrangements with friends and slow down on my work a bit, for a week or so, and build up my relationship with dd again. Concentrate on her and playing with her ( i know it sounds awful but on busy weeks i "forget" to play with her) When we have a week together i find her behaviour improves again.

I don't know whether this may be the same for you or not.

But for me,its almost like i have to gain some respect back from dd.

Be careful with mealtimes, its important to not let them turn into a fight. In the past my dd used to go a few days where she'd hardly eat anything. I never took dessert away cos i think this can encourage the desire for puddings thinking they are "better" than main meals. My dd mainly has yogurts and fruit so they are just as healthy as her main meal anyway.

Try and always sit down and eat at the same time as your dd, leave her to do whatever she wants with hers whilst you eat yours (often my dd will line up peas rather than eat anything) then offer to help her get some on a spoon. Let her say when she is finished then move onto pudding without a fuss.

Children cannot and will not starve themselves.

If my dd says she's hungry in between meals, i offer fruit/bread and butter etc i never make a special meal.

Hth!

[Fran1]

It certainly makes life easier if you find a limited of things she is not allowed to do.

What i mean is you're not spoiling her if you let her play with things that aren't toys.

Try and only say no/stop her from doing things if she could come to harm.

An example of this is my dd likes piling tins in and out of my kitchen cupboards - on a bad day when its in my way of trying to cook dinner, i might tell her to put all the tins away and go and do something else, but really thats an unneccessary reaction from me. Cos she's not going to come to any harm by doing it and its only for my benefit that the kitchen stays tidy!

What i'm trying to say is avoid negative comments as much as poss, so she'll eventually learn when you do say no its for a reason, not just for the sake of it. Easier said than done i know!

[Skribble]

Glad I made you laugh.
Some times you do have to let some things go so that you don't let everything turn in to a battle. The only thing is you can't chop and change. Once you let it go thats it you can't try and enforce it next time. Consistency is the word here.

Try not to let them have a debate about everything. Some things they can decide on or choose but often we give young children to many choices. It becomes a battle for control.

It can help them to feel more secure to know mummy is in charge. Let her know whats happening through the day, whats coming up and whats expected from her.

My daughter is five and goes to dancing after school one day a week. When I pick her up and say we are going to dancing she freaks out and howls. She does enjoy dancing I think she is just tired after school. She has even bounced her lunch box off my head. Now when I tell her I run away and cover my head At least this makes her laugh, even though the other parents think I'm mad.