Describe your 5 yr old girls to me

[Peckarollover]

I'm worried about my DD.

I was talking to DP and my sister last night about how unhappy she seems to be most of the time and a few things struck me, Im now worrying!

It is really quite rare for her to be care free and full of fun. She is ALWAYS a step away from a meltdown, when something does trigger a meltdown she gets very, very angry often trying to destroy whatever it is that is around at the time or nipping herself or lashing out at people around her.

She can cry hysterically for a looooooooooong time if she is tantrumming and cant get her way!

In the last week or two she has said lots of things such as "You hate me" "I want a new Mummy" "You dont love me" "Why does no one listen to me" and then last night she actually packed a bag and asked me to ring her a taxi to find a new family!

She has started hitting me too which is a new thing, she has always been cheeky when in a tantrum but now she will hit out or kick me or her brother.

I want to know if this is all typical stuff and that the "you dont love me" stuff is being used by her to guilt me into to letting her do what she wants or if in fact there is some sort of problem.

Every day I think to myself that today will be a good day and try really hard to start the day off with huge cuddle and lots of positivity - Im lucky if I havent been called a "stupid pumpy horrible head" and a big hugg by the time she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

I am blaming myself a lot and putting it down to me having less patience and time for her because of all the other extra demands on my time and energy since christmas.

Sorry this is waffled - if you got this far could you tell me what you think!

[Peckarollover]

boys will do too

[Peckarollover]

Forgot to mention - she is having regular accidents, poo and wee

[Slinky]

I've got a 5yo DD - was 5 in October. Has your DD just started school? The reason I ask is that DD has been an absolute mare for the last 4 months - basically from the week she started school!

She was always angry, aggressive, incredibly tired, emotional, lashed out at her siblings. I felt I was walking on eggshells around her - worried about saying the wrong thing to set her off! Like you, I was always thinking "tomorrow will be different".

However, we are now into January and she's settled down so much. She's happier, calmer and although she still "goes off on one" occasionally, we have far more "better" days than "bad".

I think it was a case of finding her feet at school, getting used to being out of the house for 6 hours a day (only went to nursery until lunchtimes).

Child of Our Time will be covering the "Starting School" thing on Tuesday.

Hope things get better

[miggy]

DS2 was just like this at same age. We were despairing and even vaguely thinking about child psych etc as we couldnt understand what his problem was and why he was so angry/cross/sad about everything. It affected everything we did as a family. Strange thing was he was lovely at school, his teachers raved about him and couldnt believe me when at parents evening I told her he was a devil child at home!
I think turning point for us was when I got so angry with him one morning, I said "right, you obviously dont love us and want to be part of this family so we'll find you somewhere else to live" and pretended to phone the orphanage. (I know this was a terrible terrible thing to do btw!) He was really upset and said he did love us and I obv felt really bad about what I had done and resolved to build a better relationship. Lots more affection and praise on my part (even if I didnt feel like it!) sticker charts-worked miracles too. Now hes nearly 8 and last 18mths has been on the whole great. He does have a short fuse though and I think thats where the problems started, he would erupt then we would spark off each other.
there is light at the end of the tunnel!

[Slinky]

Oh yes - Miggy reminded me...

DD2 is an absolute ANGEL at school - to quote the teacher "she's an angel, always keen to help, well-behaved, etc etc!!!"

[geekgrrl]

hi PR,

my 5 yr old dd can also be miserable and is prone to hysterical tantrums over little things. She has also started being naughty - messing about with my cosmetics even though she's got into big trouble for it before, and last weekend she topped it all by eating two of my contraceptive pills!
Generally she's lovely though and always tries to be helpful, she can also be very considerate. We have no name-calling thankfully, she'll only scream at me that I'm mean.

We've found with dd that a lot of it seems to be due to her picking up stress vibes from us, and also when she's not had much time with us. I'm sorry that your positivity gets no immediate results. It's so difficult when life gets in the way of things, but any chance of doing some baking or playing with playdough, just the two of you, and trying to have a chat about it when you and her are both relaxed?

I don't think children are that manipulative at this age, I believe that it is mostly poor impulse control and not being able to handle their emotions properly. There's so much going on at 5...

[Kittypickle]

PR - do you remember me saying about that book "How to behave so your children do" last year, that I'd found on my friend's bookcase when we housesat for them ? The reason I read it when we were supposed to be on holiday was because I was in total despair over DD's behaviour at the time, she was just over five. She was stroppy, having tantrums, wouldn't do a single thing I asked her to, wanted a new Mummy, wanted to leave home, I'm sure there was more but I've blotted it out !

According to her reception teacher they very often do this after they've started school, no idea why though. We started doing a marble jar as that's what her teacher did with them, and it seemed to help a lot, as did me keeping my cool, which I had totally lost at one point. I also think the winter bit doesn't help, cold and dark outside etc, tired from school. I really don't think you should blame yourself - she might have picked up on the stress you've been under and it might play a small role, but I'm sure it is very small and her behaviour is pretty typical of how 5 year old girls are.

[Posey]

Your dd's behaviour sounds exactly like my dd's 2 best friends at the same age. I think their parents all put it down to the stress of being in proper school full-time. They all day behaved impeccably and worked hard both academically and socially. When they came home, they both knew that however bad they were, there mums wouldn't fall out with them (as the girls at school would if they were that awful), nor would they get sent to the head (although possibly to their dads!).
Although my dd never had quite such a bad reaction, she certainly went through a phase of not being as nice as she was, and I really thought something dreadful happened at school that exchanged lovely well balanced children for someone else's. It is just a phase in most cases I think, although dd and her friends, now 7 and 8, will still show some of those signs when "stressed" by either work, or playground politics or just plain old tiredness.
HTH

[nutcracker]

Ihave a 5 year old DD too and she is a nightmare at the mo. She has regular tantrums, which include her hitting, scratching, pinching and trying to bite me.
Last thursday was the worst episode i have ever seen of her and i am now on a mission to get me and her a bit of help.
I am going to start her on fish oils (once i decided which ones to use) and am going to speak to my doc about her as she also has a bit of a hand washing/germs obsession.

I want to do a parenting course, but no one/where seems to want me too as there are non availble round here.

Sounds like there are a few of us with firey 5 yr olds at the mo, so maybe some of it is just normal 5 yr old behaviour.

[nutcracker]

Oh yes also meant to add that Dd is an absiolute angel at school, very quiet and lovely.

[Peckarollover]

Well, well, well....

Timely that I start this thread this morning

She has been very on and off all day although a little better. Dp took DS to his mums so we had the day together - we went out for lunch with family and my friend came round with her niece to play with megan.

I have never been so ashamed - they played nicely for a while until a little rucus over a pen. I split them up and meg just LOST it. I was making their tea at the time and was opening the oven door to check on it and she came behind me and pushed me in it. I banged my head off the top of it. I obviously turned round and shouted and she just went crazzzzzzzzzzzy - the poor little girl who came to visit was petrified and sat with her fingers in her ears.

I put megan for timeout at the bottom of the stairs but she was kicking the door so hard I was frightened she was going to go through it so I picked her up on put her on the back step. She picked up a toy car and started hitting the windows with it. Again I was frightened she would smash the window so I brought her into the kitchen. She got my sister zimmer frame and was smashing into the door with it shouting "I am going to come in there and kill Alisha "(the little girl). I started crying at this point - a mixture of exasperation and utter shame that my little girl was behaving this way and in front of an audience. She was repeatedly hitting me, punching me, threatening to smash the house up etc etc She was even saying "Do you like this house do you mummy? well you wont like it when i smash your lovely house up will you mummy? no you wont so im going to do it worse than i ever have and then kill you"

im sorry but what the f*ck?????????

we are back to being as bad as we were nearly exactly a year ago. She had similar meltdowns and that turned out to be a touch of babyshock

I really didnt know what to do in this situation and still dont.

[Peckarollover]

help help help

does anyone have any thoughts, my head is foggy from it al

[emmatmg]

Wooooo Becca.

i don't know what to say, I wish I had something to say that would point you in the right direction for you and Megan.

God, I really shocked...you poor thing.

I really hope you get some help and info soon.

[Peckarollover]

My mum and sis were here and understandably shocked - I was very upset and blaming myself, I feel it HAS to be me to blame but I dont know what Ive done. Im so passionate about being a good mum to her and about positive parenting so have I managed to create this monster.

Shit crying again now

[Frizbe]

oooh sorry this is happening {{{hugs}}} and bump

[emmatmg]

becca,
I say to myself almost on a daily basis " I do everything to bring up happy/polite/caring/etc etc children so where the F*ck have I gone so wrong to create these little shits!!"

Sorry, still haven't got any answers for you but wanted you to know I feel/think the same.

[Blossomhill]

pecca - I would seriously go and see your gp as there is obviously something really upsetting your dd. How is she at school?
Hugs BHx

[Peckarollover]

well, thats what worries me. since christmas she has had a few run ins with a particular little girl, but meg used to always be very dominat with this little go so i cant believe she could be getting bullied off her. Her teacher hasnt mentioned her being bullied - she seems to think they both give as good as they get.

dp and my sis both think its a lot to do with her going down to her dads once a week where she gets absolutely no discipliine whatsoever.

She has also had to give her bedroom up to my sister who was injured at christmas - but when i talk to her about this she says its ok - I offered to put her back in her room and put my sister somewhere else but she was adamant that she wanted her auntie to be in her room and to be comfortable

[Peckarollover]

Yes sobernow she still has that way with words - a few times I have asked questions and she always responds with things like "an animal inside tells me to do it" or "my brain whispers to me" etcetc

[Peckarollover]

She does seem to absorb alot from the world around her that she internalizes and struggles with. She said to my sister a few days ago "It must have been so frightening when you flung through the air when the car hit you" and the Tsunami disaster has really affected her.

She likes to give money whenever she can, which I give her or she uses her pocket money. One day I didnt have any change and I said we will have to wait until after the next shop to get change and you can givce some then "But MUMMY I just want to do as much as I can, it makes me sad that I cant bring all of those families that got swept away back together again - I would go and try and stop the earthquake under the see so the mummies would have their babies back"

[Peckarollover]

Anyone have any advice about what to say to teacher?

Not sure if its because Im young myself I feel a bit intimidated asking to speak to her. She seems quite dismissive alot of the time and dont know how to get across that i am really worried

[Blossomhill]

Pecka - Make an appointment to see her and explain what's been happening. See if it's also happening at school. Tell the teacher that you are concerned about your daughter's behaviour. She may know who to refer you on to or even give you some tips/advice on how to deal with the behaviour. HTH and good luck