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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

What do you do when your 5 year old point blank says "NO" and refuses

115 replies

ALMummy · 13/04/2008 12:47

to tidy his room, go in the bath, go to bed, come to the dinner table etc.

I am at my wits end. There have been constant tantrums over the past week and anything I ask him to do is met with a point blank refusal followed by a screaming tantrum. I think he is beginning to realise that I cant actually MAKE him do anything. What are your tips for getting your DC to co-operate.

OP posts:

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morningpaper · 13/04/2008 12:50

I count to 3 and if still refusing I ask her to sit in her room

I sometimes have to carry her up there

OverMyDeadBody · 13/04/2008 12:50

Take away something that means a LOT to him. Mu 5yr old gets his computer time taken away if he doesn't listen (after two warnings).

OverMyDeadBody · 13/04/2008 12:53

Also, sometimes it might work to have a direct negative consequence to whatever he is refusing to do, so for e.g.

If he refuses to tidy his bedroom you put all the toys on the floor into a big bag that gets put away where he can't reach it for a week or something

Not coming to the dinner table = no food

No bath = he isn't clean

No idea about not going to bed though, with my DS as long as he stays in his room after 7pm it doesn't matter what he actually does in there. If he comes out after two warnings he looses computer time.

morningpaper · 13/04/2008 12:54

yes that's true I do that too

no tidying - OK I'll just put it in the bin then shall I?

No dinner, ok straight to bed then

No bath, fine, straight to bed then

that sort of thing

VictorianSqualor · 13/04/2008 13:02

Thankfully I've not yet had this issue, DD has always done as she is told and DS is just 3, but personally I'd not argue with them.

For example, if he won't go to bed what does he do? If he stays downstairs, turn all the lights off and go upstairs yourself. It's either bed, or sitting in the dark, I'd also make him go to bed earlier the next day. 'Right, you can;t go to bed when I tell you then tomorrow it's bedtime earlier. Give him dinner, put him straight to bed, early, really early.

Toys not tidied up = bin.
Dinner not eaten = hungry.
Refusal of a bath I'd just put them in it!

The alternative needs to be worse.

ALMummy · 13/04/2008 13:09

The bin thing sounds good. Anything not picked up will go in the bin. He would go nuts if I did that - he loves his cars. Think I would only have to do it once.

I think I need to be a bit tougher actually from reading the responses on here. Maybe I spend too much time trying to negotiate eg I counted that I asked him 50 times to tidy his room last night.

What do you do if they keep coming out of the bedroom or refuse to go to bed? I have resorted to yelling my head off I am afraid but he still gets out of bed and sits on his bedroom floor shouting that he is not going to bed. I suppose as long as he is in his room then I should just leave it at that instead of trying to force him to be in bed. Pick my battles so to speak.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 13/04/2008 13:12

Yes I would just shut the door and turn off the light and say that's fine dear goodnight

morningpaper · 13/04/2008 13:13

make the alternatives worse (i.e. cars in bin ) or more boring (sitting in dark room)

amidaiwish · 13/04/2008 13:13

i get a dressing gown belt and tie the door handle to the bannister if she won't stay in her room at bedtime (DD1 is 4 and going through a very willful independent phase). I only have to do it very rarely.

or get a stair gate?

re the tidying up, we have a front room which has turned into a playroom. I just put her in there and shut the door, don't let her out til it is tidy. Often i go and tidy up with her - but stop if she stops.

policywonk · 13/04/2008 13:14

Yes, taken to room, door closed, not let out again until he's ready to apologise and cooperate.

Make sure there's nothing too interesting in his room - my DS1 has books but not a lot of toys, so reading is the only option open to him once he's in there.

boredveryverybored · 13/04/2008 13:15

I have 7yr old, but still have this problem with outright refusing.
I do as everyone has said, direct consequence to what she's refusing to do. Refusing to tidy room - toys straight in binliner. Refusing to stop what she's doing because we have to go out (we get this a lot) removal and x time ban of whatever she's playing with etc etc

policywonk · 13/04/2008 13:17

Yes, I tie the door shut sometimes. Not sure that it is great parenting, but sometimes it's either that or standing on the landing for ages when I've got other things to do!

I wouldn't try to force him to get into bed. If he'd rather sit on a hard floor than on a nice warm soft bed, then he's just making it worse for himself!

It sounds as though you give him a lot of attention when he's tantrumming - negotiating, coaxing, shouting. Try to minimise your response to him when he's kicking off.

morningpaper · 13/04/2008 13:21

Yah I have put the cabin lock across on Very Bad Occasions

maybe once or twice only

(It's really there to keep the cat OUT but obviously has a secret Other Use)

ALMummy · 13/04/2008 13:21

I feel Soooooooo much better reading this. DH has been holding the door handle so DS cant get out but I have been feeling terrible about it (silly soft mummy) like I am depriving him of his human rights by keeping him in his room or something - maybe I am thinking about things just a bit too much...........

OP posts:

morningpaper · 13/04/2008 13:22

as long as it's his room rather than, say, the cellar, then it's ok to make a point, IMO

Ineedsomesleep · 13/04/2008 13:23

AlMummy, with the bed thing, we have a chart for DS and if he stays in bed he gets a sticker, so many stickers = trip to shop to buy a train for his set. It doesn't work every night but it does most nights.

We also do the don't eat tell, well its straight to bed then.

No bath, straight to bed.

No tidying, everything will be in the charity shop then and you can buy it back yourself, if you're lucky.

TheCoderator · 13/04/2008 13:23

take to room
put in room
go away then try ignnrign her

SmugColditz · 13/04/2008 13:24

1, 2 3 bedroom.

He stays in the bedroom until 5 minutes after he asks to come out.

SmugColditz · 13/04/2008 13:24

Oh I take gamecube time away too now, although the poor kid only gets about 10 minutes a day anyway!

SmugColditz · 13/04/2008 13:26

ALMummy, it's not depriving hi8m of HUMAN rights to come and go as he pleases, it's depriving him of ADULT rights, which he isn't old enough to have yet anyway. Don't feel bad. It's 5 minutes in his room, not 5 hours in a cupboard.

policywonk · 13/04/2008 13:41

... although five hours in a cupboard sounds appealing sometimes too (for me if not for him).

In fact, if the cupboard in question has a radio, a shooting stick and a camping kettle...

SmugColditz · 13/04/2008 13:41

For bedtime I have sat outside the room with a book ignoring but enforcing. Everytime he tries to leave the bed he is silently escorted back. He has to stay in bed though, he shares a tiny room with his little brother.

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SmugColditz · 13/04/2008 13:41

For bedtime I have sat outside the room with a book ignoring but enforcing. Everytime he tries to leave the bed he is silently escorted back. He has to stay in bed though, he shares a tiny room with his little brother.

hecate · 13/04/2008 13:43

Assuming you've already been there done that with all the discussions, negotiations etc and this is a stand off...

to tidy his room : "In one hour I will go in there with a bin liner and anything on the floor will be put in there and put out for the bin men." -BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IDLE THREATS!! Say it - do it! (psst, he can earn his stuff back painfully with good behaviour )

go in the bath: miss bath, straight to bed, no big deal. If he's really filthy, pin him down and scour him!

go to bed: Turn tv off, all lights off and sit there in silence and darkness. He'll soon get bored!

come to the dinner table: Easiest of the lot - no appearance at dinner table, food removed and no dinner for him! And no snack later because you feel sorry for him! Missing a meal means missing a meal.

Sometimes actually getting into discussions, debates and arguments with your child is the worst thing you can do. Sometimes you have to just act. Be the Boss! You aren't helpless if they won't cooperate.

I had a lock on the outside of their bedroom door. And I used the bugger! (Of course you stay there, silent!) I had the hoover (ds1 HATED the noise) I had the bin - so much ended up there! tv off, computer off, things removed, no dinner...they learn that life is simply easier when they obey the rules.

And you pick your battles too. Don't come down on everything. Choose those things that really matter. Talk first because obv agreement is the ideal, plus because they MUST be warned and be given the chance to cooperate, but be prepared to do whatever it takes. Stay calm, don't go to the same level as your child (by that I mean getting into an argument or acting like agemates) Don't back down. Never turn a no into a yes! etc etc.

Ineedsomesleep · 13/04/2008 13:45

5 hours in a cupboard, I'd go for that too. Can I have a light, a book and a cup of tea in mine please?

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