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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

help! bf 17 month old having a tantrum because i wouldn't give her milk - what to do?

17 replies

lilysma · 11/04/2008 18:14

she's been going for about half an hour.

not used to this yet.

she just wants some milk, but i told her no cos it's dinner time.

now i reckon bf is the only thing that might calm her down. but is this 'giving in'??

help please!

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beansprout · 11/04/2008 18:15

How long until dinner? Can you distract her?

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lilysma · 11/04/2008 18:16

dinner was ready 20 mins ago but she's too hysterical to eat. just wants milk.

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lulumama · 11/04/2008 18:18

just give her the milk ! if she wanted a drink of water or juice, wold you give it?

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beansprout · 11/04/2008 18:19

Milk it is then!!

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Belgianchox · 11/04/2008 18:21

give her the milk, it's one thing i have never refused, especially not at that age.

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lilysma · 11/04/2008 18:24

thanks have bowed to popular opinion i'm bfing her now!

isn't it just giving her the thing she was tantruming about tho, this managing tantums business is confusing!

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WigWamBam · 11/04/2008 18:25

Give her the milk.

If you wanted a drink, you'd have one - regardless of whether it was dinner time or not. I can't see any reason not to afford her the same privilege.

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WigWamBam · 11/04/2008 18:25

X-posts.

Good call, I reckon

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ReallyTired · 11/04/2008 18:34

Are you trying to wean her of the breast? Weaning a toddler off the breast can be hard if the toddler does not want to wean.

If you want to carry on breastfeeding then that is absolutely fine. If you want to wean I can give you suggestions. I breastfed my son until he was 33 months old and it was quite a battle to get him to wean.

La Leche League has lots of suggestions how to miminize the tears and tantrums when weaning a reluctant toddler. (If thats what you want) Many people in the world carry on breastfeeding until 4 years old!

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Tapster · 11/04/2008 20:23

I could have written the same of my DD of 17 months. We often have the same battle I find she won't eat her dinner if she doesn't have the milk if she really wants it before hand. I would like to wean her but she is addicted... I've tried LLL and all they do is try to persuade you to carry on rather than on tips on how to stop. Cutting down on feeds has not worked in here - each time she gets ill, teething we go back up. I think it will have to be cold turkey but I can't face it. I have trouble getting my DD to eat solids (always have) so try to distract her but she isn't easily distracted.

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UniS · 11/04/2008 20:58

I found a dummy very helpfull for tantrums when cutting back on Bf when boy was 14m+ . May not work if your child doesn't like dummy sucking, boy had one at night from young.
Final weening from breast we managed with warm milk in a sippy cup instead, he likes it better than cold and got a cuddle and story from daddy at same time. dropped bedtime at 21 m and finally breakfast at 24m.

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cockles · 11/04/2008 21:01

Give her the bm for sure. My rule is no breastfeeding actually at the table, but any other time is ok. It means so much to them. I do do 'milkfor5' though when I count to 5 and he always stops before I get there. this caught on really quick and is v useful for times you don't want to be stuck there for ages. Worked from about 20 months I think?

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ReallyTired · 11/04/2008 21:57

I think it depends a lot who you speak to in LLL. I chose to wean my son although it took about 10 months.

The following approaches were useful to me.

Don't offer don't refuse. If your daugher gets upset don't just whip the breast out. Try other ways of comforting her rather than picking her and breastfeeding. Only give a breastfeed if she has clearly asked for it.

Distraction. Sometimes children ask to breastfeed because they are bored or just want Mum's attention. Sometimes if a child is engrossed in an interesting activity like being read to, or being played with they will forget about bf. If you are trying to drop a particular feed its worth doing something different like going to the park.

Routine Its worth thinking about the routine. If example do you sit in a particular chair after lunch. My son used to ask for a breastfeed every time I sat on the sofa. I found that if I was standing about doing housework he didn't ask for the bf.

Subsitution Sometime it helps to offer your toddler a snack or a drink and pre empting breastfeed.

I hope it helps. I think its important to remember that sometimes you will have good days and bad days as mother. There will be days that you have more breastfeeds than others. It took me 10 months to wean my son, but we got there in the end.

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ouryve · 11/04/2008 23:45

I've found that DS2, 23m, much as he loves the boob, has gradually given up a feed at a time of his own accord. The only one I've pushed was nursing within an hour of dinner - I offered water and a rice cake and didn't sit down where he'd want to snuggle up. He soon learnt that if he was really wanting a late afternoon nurse, for example if he hadn't managed to nap well in the day, to ask for it while Countdown was on. Any later and he'd be fobbed off.

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lilysma · 12/04/2008 20:36

Thanks everyone. Sorry I didn't return to thank you all last night - slunk into bed exhausted when I'd finally got her to sleep! I'm not trying to wean her - can't face the battle at the moment and am fine with it most of the time. I don't refuse to feed her usually, although I do use some of the tactics mentioned above - i.e. distraction, offer snacks etc, just to check whether she really wants to bf. I don't offer except last thing at night and in the morning, but don't need to cos she always asks (very clearly and persistently!).

I actually described last night's scenario slightly wrong. Idid give her a bit of milk - about 5-10 mins - and then dinner was ready so I tried to stop her for her food. Usually she can be persuaded but last night she was overtired, so went into meltdown. Like ouryve I am just trying to stop the bf just before dinner but it is tricky, isn't it. Like last night, 3 days a week she comes back from nursery knackered and wants the cosy reconnection with me straightaway.

Last night I just felt that I shouldn't give in since I had already said 'enough', but in retrospect if i was going to give in I should have done it straightaway. Is bf really the inviolable exception to the 'no means no' rule re tantrums? Or should you just never refuse to bf, however untimely the request? What do you reckon ladies (and gents)?

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GruffaloSoldier · 12/04/2008 21:09

Hi

I don't know specifically about bf but if you know that you may give into a tantrum it is best to not to refuse before a tantrum ensues as refusing and then giving in will mean your child may generalise this knowledge to other instances of refusals. Not good for you or the child!

If you have distractors that can work and your child doesn't tend to launch straight into tantrum it may be worth offering these but don't use refusals.ie you want milk, how about this?? This means you are allowing her other options and she will not associate 'giving in' after no has been said.

Also, does your child ever ask for water? It may be she is just thirsty and wants a drink?Sorry I don't really know about bf and weaning but just a thought!

HTH sorry if its a bit confusing!

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lilysma · 14/04/2008 21:09

Thanks Gruffalosolider and sorry for the late reply. I know what you mean about not giving in - hence the dilemma. I guess I will just have to try and avoid the confrontation on this one as once we have got into it then nothing will distract her! it is the comfort she wants as much as anything (I don't have a problem with that, but it makes distracting her with other drinks etc much more difficult!)