help me put this in perspective please.

[donbean]

my boy aged 4 started school in Sept.
Since then he has had his name on the "naughty board" 3 times.
Teacher says that it is persistant bad behaviour.
Also at home we are just not getting on.
He is impatient with me asking him any thing, shouts at me and does deliberately naughty things in front of me.

I dread picking him up from school as i am worried about what the teacher says about his behaviour that day, and dread getting him home as i know we will end up falling out.
what to do, am i rearing prison fodder?

[boabsmum]

We're getting the same atm.

Ds is 5 and started P1 in August.

wE get "messages' homes from his teacher on average every couple of weeks.

He's definitely better at home from what I can tell, but struggles with simple instructions that mean he doesn't get his way -- like put you shoes on "But I want to play" etc.

Yesterday's note said he was "annoying" his group and interrupting in class, but he couldn't tell me exactly what he'd done.

We had a shouting match; he cried and had some time out, then once he'd apologised (although I still don't think he knows what's unacceptable and what's not) then we said we'd forget about it and start again tomorrow.

He gets off the schoo bus in about 20 mins, so we shall see if the fireworks have made any impression at all

I do think sometimes his teacher is looking out for the negative. Ds even said forlornly that "Mrs X never writes nice messages home, only bad ones" I wish he'd get a bit of positive feedback sometimes.

[sdr]

Starting school is very tough, especially for boys. Is this behaviour a new thing? If so, then the school should have some input. Could you arrange a meeting with the teacher to discuss further and come up with some practical suggestions?

[donbean]

he has always had behaviour issues tbh.

think i will just get upset if i speak to the teacher at the mo.
Last parents evening she was concerned that he didnt recognise any numbers or words or even letters.

[donbean]

am very

[wilbur]

I have to say I don't like the sound of a "naughty board" - it seems very unfair, not to mention unproductive, to try and shame children at this age. I hate that. I am all in favour of positive things - classroom star charts and so on, but this seems very harsh. Sympathy though, with your ds going through a difficult phase - I think starting school is a shock for lots of kids, esp boys, and they can regress and have a sort of second toddler phase which is v wearing. Ds1 went through a v aggravating phase at about this time when he would only talk in a baby voice and did a lot of refusing to answer me. Drove me insane. I just had to stay exageratedly calm and that seemed to work - also refusing to get / give him anything he wanted unless he spoke in a normal polite voice.

[sdr]

Don't let teachers get you upset at what they're able to do. My DS didn't learn his letters until the end of Reception and only started reading halfway through Y1. He's doing well now, just a slow-starter. Could you start a reward system with him - and try to concentrate on what he's getting right.

[Twiglett]

sounds like you've got in a negative spiral .. you and school

find ways to make it positive .. positive reinforcement .. and break the cycle

[kindersurprise]

I agree with Wilbur, the thought of a "naughty board" makes me shudder. They should be putting the spotlight on good behaviour, not highlighting bad behaviour.

It is a shame that the teacher is not showing more understanding for the teething problems that your son is having. Starting school is such a big step.

Could you have a word with the teacher, see if she could find something positive to say about your DS. That would help more than getting negative comments all the time.

[needmorecoffee]

i think schools have unrealistic expectations of how 4 yo's should behave, especially boys.

[Ubergeekian]

Naughty board? For a four-year-old? Ye gods.

[emmaagain]

naughty board is horrible.

And he's FOUR FFS! He's supposed to be interested in climbing frames and kicking balls around and playing games with cars, not reading and writing wanders off fuming at the school's expectations

[Ubergeekian]

I'd be a bit worried by any four-year-old who didn't get onto the naughty board regularly. Which is why it's such a stupid idea.

[bobbysmum07]

I think some teachers have really unrealistic expectations of small children. They single out one or two as rotten apples and every little thing gets blown out of proportion. You see this all the time in private schools particularly. It's such a negative thing to do to a kid. The parents get anxious and depressed, the kid gets a bad reputation and then starts to live up to it.

Persistent bad behaviour. I work with kids this age, and believe me, they're all naughty. Yours won't be the only one no matter what his teacher says.

[GooseyLoosey]

Wow you sound just like me. Ds class have a sunshine, grey cloud and black cloud. Ds has been on the grey cloud several times and I has started to dread going to school to be told this.

However, I told myself I need to get a grip. He is still learning how school works. We now focus on the sunshine and if he is on the sunshine for the entire week he gets a reward together with loads of praise for every day he stays on it. He now cannot wait to show us that he is on the sunshine every day.

When we focused on the negative we noticed more behaviour problems at home. We are making a real effort to focus on the positive. When he is deliberately shouty and footstamping, rather than get into a confrontation with him, I ignore him and walk out of the room. I find this more effectively stops the behaviour than anything else and prevents us having a big argument and escalating things.

[OverRated]

I hate the word naughty. It seems so meaningless when talking about children.

What is it that he does persistently 'bad' at school? And how is the naughty board going to help? It might be better if you can sit down with the teacher, think of some positive ways to deal with DS's problems and work on them together. Pointing out his mistakes all the time is not going to be helpful. He needs to know what he should be doing and how to do it. Are the expectations reasonable?

[bobbysmum07]

The expectations won't be reasonsable if it's a private school. They never are.

[donbean]

not a private school, no.
they have a traffic light system.
before going onto the traffic lights, the childs name is written on the white board as a warning.

At home i have commenced a sticker chart.
i have written his name on it. 5 letters.
for every day he is good, we put a sticker over a letter.This signifies his name bieng removed from the board.
when all 5 letters are covered i am going to borrow a Harry Potter dvd from my niece for us to watch with pizza on Friday night.
I am checking with teacher at pick up time every day, with her we praise him for trying his very best (NOT for bieng good...too high an expectation/ task for a wee 4 year old).
LOL at ubergeeky about worrying if name was NOT on the board once in a while.
Thanks so much guys, he IS only just 4, he IS just finding out about school, he IS learning a ton of stuff at the mo.
he responds so well to positive (dont we all) and so i keep positive as far as possible, i just think to my self."oh God, not again, what has he done now".

[princessosyth]

He is so young, such a shame that his first impressions of school are so negative - I really don't like the idea of a naughty board at all.

I have similar issues with ds (3.5) I think he is fine at nursery but we are getting the bad behaviour at home, he is adjusting to starting every day at nursery and I think he is over tired. I am sure it is pretty much the same for your ds.

I think the sticker chart is a good idea, I don't really have any suggestions other than to keep reinforcing the positive behaviour.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think the school's expectations sound high (there was a recent thread on nurseries and schools labelling perfectly normal boy behaviour negatively that might be worth a look) and also I find it annoying when these 'notes' are sent home because good caring parents like you then feel they have to DO stuff at home about it, impose consequences, etc but that is SO unecessary. The poor child needs to be able to leave school at the door and have a clean slate at home. He's only 4 and he needs his time without school impingeing on him. Do not let them make you feel you have to do this stuff. Let school deal with what happens at school. If there are REAL problems they will ask for a meeting with you; but even then this is for THEM to deal with when he is at school.

Give him a fresh start each day after school I think - maybe for a while don't even ask him anything about school, just say it's lovely to see him and leave it at that. I found this helps with my ds who is very glad to be out of school each day.

[donbean]

While i take on what you say honoria, and i agree that it is fundamentally wrong to punish at home for what goes on at school, i also believe that for his good name i should take steps to help him.
I fear that he will be labelled "the naughty one" and that this label will stick.
I want him to know that we are as supportive at school as we are at home and that he is free to tell us any thing, and that together we will reach a solution.
I have chosen very carefully to not punish but to enforce his good behaviour by rewarding him each day with a sticker.

As this is my first and only child i am brand new to this school lark, indeed to rearing a child. For this reason, thankyou very much for your opinion and for putting a different slant on the whole thing, it really does help. x

[bobbysmum07]

It's not so bad if a teacher has something specific to moan about - for example, if a child has thrown a chair across the room or even pulled someone's hair - but constant griping is just so pointless. Annoyed his class? What does that mean? And what are you supposed to do about it hours later?

[donbean]

i know!
she says he cant pay attention therefore doesnt know what he is meant to be doing.
he "fiddles" with stuff instead of listening,

i said.."is this not normal for a 4.5 year old??" (call me picky????)
and she said "oh yes it is, im not worried so you dont need to"

gob dropped to the ground.....

[OverRated]

Sometimes giving kids who need to 'fiddle' a piece of blu-tak really helps them concentrate on listening. Maybe you could mention that to the teacher.