Is your toddler an introvert or an extrovert?

[Twinklemegan]

My DS used to be a real extrovert and he still is a lot of the time. But when the attention's turned on him he goes really quiet and contemplative.

Today for example we were out and we met another family with a DS 2 months younger. That little boy was running around and generally getting into mischief. My DS stood around really quietly, drinking his water and exclaiming at the train on the other little boy's jumper - that was cute!

I'm just wondering if we're not socialising him enough or whether it's just that he takes after DH and me. I don't want him to grow up being really shy as it's a horrible way to be. He's often such an engaging little boy - he smiles and talks to people, as long as they don't talk to him! Any advice/experiences?

[colditz]

How does he behave at toddler groups?

Ds2 is mainly neither introverted nor extroverted, he's mainly oblivious to the other kids.

[VVVQV]

There is nothing wrong with being shy.

Not all children can be extroverts. Your DS isnt shy, he's just quite sensitive to his surroundings and likes to take things in around him before he'll dive in and do things I think. Just let him take his time and let him be himself. If he feels confident in himself he'll soon join in and be fine.

Being quiet and reserved is not a bad thing at all. I think shy is what people who are quiet and sensitive are labelled as children and grow up feeling that they have a character flaw. (Like me). So yes, being shy is horrible. I agree.

Dont try and change him, just reassure him.

[Twinklemegan]

Well he's not been to toddler group very often (because DH hates it). But the main reason is that he doesn't seem that comfortable. Last time he kind of hung around watching the others, and then got knocked over by some older kids. He doesn't seem to really get stuck in with the toys etc.

He was a bit similar when I had a meetup with another Mumsnetter. Her DS (of the same age) was haring around the place. My DS was happy enough, but a lot quieter and fairly clingy (granted he was tired and teething at the time).

He spends a lot of time just him and DH, or him DH and me. He does go to a local nursery for half a day a week though and he seems happy there. But I think he's happier in the company of adults than other toddlers. Maybe it's just his age? Before we moved he went to another nursery and seemed happy with the other toddlers there.

He's 18 months by the way.

[Twinklemegan]

Aww thanks VVV. I think you've hit the nail on the head there actually. And yes he is a very sensitive and affectionate little boy. I wouldn't change him for the world. I just need to know in my own mind that he's happy.

[hunkermunker]

DS1 was like this. I spent a lot of time watching for things I knew would be too difficult for him so that I could reassure him and, as VVV will testify, he's very different now. Still a thinker, still a very "feeling" little boy, but a lot more confident with people now. I think going to preschool helped a lot (after a v rocky start!). But I let him do things at his own pace, but occasionally take him beyond his normal comfort zone briefly (and kindly!).

DS2...DS2 boings

I agree with VVV, don't feel he's "failed" or he's in some way lacking because he's not jumping around and "being a kid" - some children aren't like that.

(And hello, TM - how are you?)

[Twinklemegan]

Hi Hunker! I'm very well thank you. You OK?

[Pan]

Another vote here for 'careful, sensitive' types. This can indeed often be mistaken for some sort of 'disorder'. It isn't. Some children do take their time, survey things and then so "no thanks, I'll do what intersests ME right now." On the contrary it demonstrates a confidence and willingness to make their own choices. Dd is such a person, and the worst thing you can do is fret, or make excuses for him/her. Then they will feel odd.

[VVVQV]

TM - he's happy if your happy.

I think the worst thing in the world that I could do to DD is to allow her to think, through my actions or behaviour, that her character traits are inadequate in some way.

It is hard not to feel anxious. I remember how I felt, having no real friends at primary school until I reached juniors. I was sooo quiet, and it was made worse by my mum having the habit (which she still hasnt broken ) of answering for me.

If you havent read The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aaron I strongly recommend it

[VVVQV]

oh dear god you're not your...

[Pan]

[Twinklemegan]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets that wrong at this time of night.

Oh, I feel a whole lot better now. As long as DH and I are not failing him in some way, and you've all put my mind at rest on that score. Thank you! And I'll hunt out that book VVV.

[hunkermunker]

There's a guy who goes to a music group I take DS2 to - he is constantly at his little girl to "toughen up" "get a bit braver" "why aren't you like your sister?".

She's the sweetest thing - she looks like a Mabel Lucie Atwell child.

I have to confess to hissing quite loudly, "Because she's not her sister, for heavens sake!" when he said the last though.

He was particularly bad that week and hasn't been as bad since, but I did feel like scooping her up and bringing her home then!

[VVVQV]

Awwwww hunker....

[Pan]

HEY! I'm very (not highly) sensitive!

[VVVQV]

Answer your email oh sensitive one.

[Twinklemegan]

Yes I was one who got told to toughen up a bit, and got forced into going to groups etc. when I really didn't want to. My mum was just trying to do what was best for me, but sadly it's affected me for life. I still have a real insecurity complex.

[Twinklemegan]

Pan - have you been under another name recently? I've not seen you around for a while (and I'm very honoured you came to talk to me...)

[Pan]

TM - gosh! Don't feel honoured! I post now and again, not so much these days. No recent name-change.

Am sure your DS will work things out for himself.

VVVQV - will reply when it lands!!!

[Twinklemegan]

Well thanks anyway.

[Pan]

Good. It's nice to post on something I have on-going experience of. Could rattle away into the wee hours on this, but won't.

[VVVQV]

You got it yet?

[roisin]

This thread made me chuckle. When ds1 was 3 or 4 he was very shy and apparently lacking on confidence. At birthday parties he would just sit on the sidelines with me and not join in. Once I left him at a party (with close friends) to see how he would get on. The hostess phoned me 20 mins later to say he had just sat on his own and then fallen asleep!

He is now a strapping 10-yr-old, and for at least the last 5 years has been one of the most confident children I know. He is quite wild and eccentric, and proud to be different. He doesn't mind standing out from the crowd, and as a result is quite popular and a real leader.

I would never have imagined it from seeing him at 3.

But I think you have to realise there is a difference between lack of 'confidence' in a 3-yr-old, which can be just a personality or developmental thing; and lack of self esteem which can be far more damaging in the longterm.