Unhappy/quiet 8 year old DS...

[hazzajo]

Not a regular mumsneter so hope you lovely ladies don't mind me asking for advice....
My 8 year old ds is really worrying me. He doesn't want to go to school anymore and we have regular tears and phantom tummy aches which start about 8.30am each morning. I have tried to quiz him to see if there is anything bothering him and have not had any success, he says he can't think of anything. Today I had 2 of his friends mums come up to me to check if he is ok because apparently he doesn't speak at school anymore and has become very quiet. He went to play with his best friend yesterday and his mum said he barely said 2 words the whole evening. His teacher hasn't raised any concerns with me but I suspect because he is quietly sat getting on with his work he doesn't get noticed. At home he is fine really chatty and happy. Worried he will start to loose friends and suffer more if we don't sort out what is wrong. I really want to help him. Any advice??

[frazzledbutcalm]

I'd talk to his teacher in more depth tbh. My ds1 went through the same thing at the same age. He cried going to bed for 2 weeks before he finally told me he was being picked on by a girl in his class. It was nothing drastic but enought to upset him. He also was upset because he won table points for his table (obviously!) and the girl lost them because of her naughty behaviour. I spoke to his teach who had just that morning dealt with the problem as she was aware of it and had been for some weeks. I was annoyed that she hadn't told me about it but it was dealt with and we never had any bother after that.

[hazzajo]

Thank you for your reply. I have aranged to speak to his teacher after school today. Unfortunatley she is quite young and inexperinced but we shall see how it goes. Keep bursti ng into tears myself, I feel so upset that he is so unhappy.

[frazzledbutcalm]

dd2 has a young teacher only in her second year as a teacher yet she's fab! Don't be put off by these facts, it may an advantage, she hasn't yet been put off by so many kids squabbles, school life etc She may also tend to do everything by the book whereas an experienced teacher may overlook certain things knowing it will settle eventually because of her teaching experience/knowledge.

[emmaagain]

so sorry for you and your son

disclaimer: I'm one of the mumsnet home edders...

Is there any way you could take him at his word? He says he doesn't want to go to school.

• another school?
• home education?
• Get him signed off school by the doctor with stress for a few weeks, take some unpaid lead yourself, take a break and take stock

[emmaagain]

ps I'm not militant about HE being the solution to all problems, but I do feel strongly that we should take our children seriously when they tell us what they are unhappy about.

[hazzajo]

Thank you but I really don't think home ed is for us. I just couldn't to it properly i feel. On further analysis, speaking to his teacher and heart to heart with him I can confidently say he likes his lessons he just seems to ahve lost his confidence with the social times like lunch and playtime. Looking back I have noticed he becomes quite anxious in social situations ouside school aswell like talking to grandparents other friends etc. Now this must have been triggered by something and we still don't know what that is and to be honest I'm not sure he knows either. Could it be a developmental phase?? I feel fairly confident that he is not being picked on but teacher is going to keep a close eye on him to make sure nothing is going on. So for the time being we are going to try and build his confidence and self esteem in the hope that will help. Trouble is not actualy sure what we should be doing to do that? Praise him obviously, but what else??

[frazzledbutcalm]

How is he at home? Play well? Interact well?

[hazzajo]

At home with us and his 2 younger brothers he is fine. He fights and argues with them but hey that is normal surely. He is football mad and plays for a local team so he is mostly kicking a ball around playing football based computer games, reading about football you name it he lives, eats and breaths football!! They are not allowed to play football in the playground at school which is a shame.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I tend to think it is an age thing. ds1 went thru it. There hv also been other posts where mn's have had similar problems and dc hv been similar age. I would praise him, be careful not to put him down unintenionally (i did this without realising) .
Otherwise, just be there if he wants to talk. he could be just starting to not like school in general, for no particular reason.

[hazzajo]

I am really starting to think it is not school paticularly but any social situtation and ofcourse for an 8 year old school is your main social thing! Playground credability it pretty high on your priorities at that age! It could be a very small incident which has sparked this all off or it could just be a phase, nice to hear I am not alone.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I totally agree with you. Sometimes we read too much into things. It'll sort itself out im sure

[hazzajo]

I certainly hope so.