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[mummyloveslucy]

Does anyone think a 6 year age gap between siblings is too big?
Our daughter will be 3 in March and I thought about trying for another baby soon after but my husband would like to wait longer as he feels it wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter, and he feels the baby would take all the attention away from her. He would like a 6 year gap so that Lucy is settled in to school and pretty independant. He also says that we could enjoy them more seperatly and it would be less stressfull. What do you guys think ? I want to do what's best for our daughter but don't know if siblings will bond or have anything in common after a 6 year gap.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Hmmmm. Fair enough to think of your DD but to give her a 'say in the matter' seems a bit strange.
IME, having them close together when they are little when they are little is hard work but once they start to play together it really pays off.
Hopefully someone with a 6 yr age gap will be along soon....

[Othersideofthechannel]

For what it is worth, I think whether they have things in common is as much to do with personality as with age gap. And that you can't control.....

[cluckiemama]

Hi, there is a 5yr gap between my two, my ds was in his first year of school when i my dd. They do get on well, and play together. my dd is now 3yo. it was hard at first when she was a baby because I had to get up to get my ds to school, and I did find it quite stressful, as when he was a baby I could stay in pj's until lunchtime if I wanted!! I think there are pros and cons to big age gap and small age gap, its whatever you and your dh feel is best for you.

[Blandmum]

db and I are 8.5 years apart with no other kids in between,

We are very close and are very fond of each other.

I know people close in age to their siblings who loath each other

[snorkle]

snap mb! though I was a bit lonely when db left home when I was 10.

[Kitti]

My oldest two have 15 months between them and it was hard work but they grew up so close together - I then had a 4 year gap before the third child and she has been hardder to raise alone than the other 2 together - the good thing is that you have already had the experience of raising a child alone so it wouldn't be so hard for you to have a bigger gap (not so much of a shock) but I do think that 6 years is a strange age gap to plan. The thing to remember is you need to reach an age when you're both ready to begin trying and be prepared that it may not happen immediately - you may plan for a 6 year gap and then find it's 8 years!! I planned for a 2.5 year gap and got 4!!!! I think 3 to 3.5 is an ideal age gap because by the time the baby is born your child will be at school full-time and you will still have time alone with the baby - I think it has to suit you more than your other half because you'll be the one at home most of the time I assume.

[emmaagain]

There's no right answer. Small age gaps can be great or awful, big age gaps can be great or awful.

The thing of asking the existing child - there's certainly an argument for that. I know some people who are quite adamant about that being the right thing, since this is a family of three which is potentially becoming a family of 4 and all three people should be consulted.

The difficulty is if what you are hoping for is a playmate when the existing child is, say, 3 or 4, because 2 or 3 is really young to be saying "so, in 9 months time, how would you feel about having a baby sibling who might be fun to play with a year or so after that...?" The timescales are just too long for a 3 year old to have any concept of it.

but I think you can observe your child around other small children and babies, you can see whether they seem to be interested in them, whether crying freaks them out, whatever, and you can make a bold conjecture about whether your child might appreciate having a sibling in 9 month's time, and then you just do everything in your power to make the transition to a four-person family run smoothly.

[cory]

This thread looks familiar- we've done this one before surely? I'd say, don't ask your child. They have no idea how they'll feel when the baby's been born, in a year's time, or in 10 years' time or when they're grown up- you are the ones that have the experience to think about all this. Besides, children change their minds. If she's been consulted once, she may feel she has a say in these matters- and be tremendously disappointed when you refuse to send the baby back! Also, a pregnancy of 9 months is a horribly long time for a small child to wait, not even mentioning that you may not fall pregnant straight away. Again, she may feel disappointed if you've promised her a sibling and it then doesn't happen, or it doesn't happen until she's changed her mind. So I'd leave her with a fait accomplit.

There are lots of arguments for single children and for having siblings, so I wouldn't feel bad for her whichever you go for. I'm sure she'll have a great life either way.

About the best age gap, I would think first about what is best for your husband and you. Siblings can enjoy each other with all sorts of age gaps. In particular, I would consider what the chances are about waiting (your age etc), is there a risk if you put it off that you may not conceive? Are there any career considerations etc?

My kids are 3.5 years between them, simply because it took me longer to become medically fit and then conceive the second time. It's not a bad age gap, they enjoy each other a lot, but I see other types of age gaps around me that also work well. I am very close to my younger brother (16 months between us).