Can too much choice cause bad behaviour?

[GillL]

Dd used to be so well behaved and my mum has always told me she's been good as gold (she looks after her in the day when I'm at work) but in the last couple of months her behaviour has really gone down hill and it's now reached breaking point. She is rude to people, won't do as she's told, has tantrums over stupid things like having to put her coat on and she cries when we leave her in bed now. Mum told me last night that dd had been a pain in the a*se which really upset me. I had to drag her out of mum's house screaming and, for 15 minutes in the car she screamed 'go away mummy, I don't want you'. I ended up bursting into tears.

I believe it's partly to do with us treating her like a much older child. She's 2.9 years but is quite mature for her age. Dh and I were discussing last night and I think we give her too much choice, for example, 'do you want to clean your teeth or do you want me to do it' or 'do you want to wear your cardigan or your coat'. These seem quite reasonable things to ask her but we do it for everything. Could this be causing problems?

Another issue I assume is causing behavioural problems is she now has a baby brother. He is 21 weeks old. For the first 2 months or so it didn't affect her other than getting a bit jealous when he was feeding for ages. She loves her brother and always wants to hug him when she's upset. I was wondering if this is some kind of delayed reaction to having to share our attention.

We've decided to stop asking her to make so many decisions. She's also now going to bed an hour earlier at 7:30. She was going to bed at 8:30 and not going to sleep til 10 most nights and was always difficult to wake in the morning. Anyone got any other ideas of what we can do to try to rectify this awful situation?

[pagwatch]

Yes it can.
Just get her dressed and add in choice as she gets a bit older and when it is a 'fun' choice iyswim ( do you want to go to the park or do you want to go swimming).
She wants to know you are in charge - and if she is like my dd she will soon start articulating what she wants quite clearly !

She could be feeling a bit stressed about it and whilstthe natural order ofthings is that she is the 'grown up' child in the house she made need a little reassurance that she is still your little girl.
The behaviour may also be a result of new baby brother but she loves him and she will get used to that.

( arn't we great us mums . we worry if we are too controlling and we worry if we offer too much choice )

[colditz]

yes I think you have hit the nail on the head. regress the way you deal with her by about a year, especially in light of newly interesting sibling. Treat her like a baby for a while. It makes them feel a bit more secure.

6 months after birth of baby is prime time for jealousy - has he just got really cute, and grabbing all the attention?

I'd make the bath and bedtime a daddy thing for her, with a special story with you.

[cory]

I'd say it's quite likely a normal stage in her development rather than something you've done wrong. They're not called the terrible twos for no reason. And IME the terrible threes were even worse. It will pass, honestly it will. But I think it's overoptimistic to think that if we only achieve perfect parenting, our children will then model perfect behaviour. Kids go through phases.

It does sound like you and your mum have rather high expectations. To me, there's nothing in your description that sounds like more than what most parents have to go through at some time or other.You'll probably find most people around are quite tolerant of a toddler having a tantrum, as long as the adult in charge doesn't have one too. Just stay firm, do what you intended to do anyway, drag her away if you have to, it's part of the job description.

[Chuffinknackered]

I think you are doing it alright. By giving her control over her life, she feels that she has some power over all the change that has happened what with the arrival of her little brother. I think you should carry on giving her choices...you take those away and she really will feel frustrated.
I would say it is a reaction to the new arrival. My eldest is STILL jealous of his little brother and DS2 is 2yrs 3 months! He is constantly grumpy and sometimes downright mean!
We manage it by having a jar which we put a pasta piece into each time he does something kind and thoughtful for his brother. Two things here...we notice the times he is good to his little brother so much more now, and DS1 gets rewards (not expensive - last week he had a trip to the cheap cinema deal on a Sat morning as he had reached a certain level in the jar).
You could try this...whatever you choose to do, it takes time and persistence to efect change!
Hope that things sort themselves out for you soon.

[GillL]

Thanks guys.

[mumeeee]

She sounds like a normal 2.9year old.Most children. most children regress when a new baby has been around for a few weeks. Just go back a bit and lower you expectationsof her.

[Nooname]

Was chatting with my bro last night about how his son (3.5) seems just to be coming out of a months long tantrum stage, some of which lasted for 45 minutes .

My ds is only 19mo but he is also doing this on a smaller scale. I do actually think the choices are a good thing as you aren't giving a ridiculously huge range of choices but are giving her some control and independence.

Surely tantruming is just a normal stage of devt..

[bohemianbint]

Too much choice drives me bonkers and I'm 31.

[GillL]

Unless it's just a one off, we must have done something right cos she was like a different child yesterday and this morning. Mum said she was very well behaved yesterday - for the first time in weeks. She didn't have one tantrum and she went to sleep without any crying or calling us. I think it's mainly down to us being more consistent with bedtimes and discipline.

I know tantrums are common in children dd's age but it's just not like her to behave like this. she has the odd one but generally only when she's extremely tired. Maybe the recent bad behaviour is down to her being tired and being ill a couple of times recently.

Thanks for all your input. It's much appreciated.

[Bensonbluebird]

I think we are pretty much at the same stage - my DS1 is 3 tomorrow and has an 8mo old brother. Lately he has been kicking off about the slightest thing and I find withdrawing choice about some key things has helped. He used to eat whatever we put in front of him but lately has been asking for something else no matter what he is given. Giving him a choice about what he eats just seems to make it worse so now he is only offered one thing and he does eventually eat it - he is beginning to make less of a fuss too. While competition is a big factor for him tiredness is too - he stopped napping in November having gone through a stage where he would be equally grumpy whether he slept or not. It is difficult to get used to. He used to be a delight!