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[naughtystep]

Am just wondering if anyone else has anything similar with their dc?

Here goes(!):-

My DS seems to be very high maintenance and I feel that I am always going on about it to my friends but it is driving to the edge of my endurance. Sometimes I think it's just me and that he is completely normal and I obviously am just a drama queen who can't cope and then other times I KNOW he is not behaving normally.

He cried a lot as a baby and has always been very whingey with a really high pitched cry that makes my eardrums feel like they are going to explode. He is very anal about lots of things, getting food on his clothes, his nose running, getting his clothes wet etc. (which I know is normal for a lot of toddlers!). Going on holiday has always been a nightmare because he is distraught if he has to go on sand. He sits on the blanket taking up all the room and screams his head off if he gets any sand on himself.

I am beginning to wonder if he is slightly autistic. He is not that affectionate although he will sometimes give me a cuddle if I ask (or beg!) and hates being kissed or kissing someone. (I don't know that much about the condition though).

He can be an angel when he is with other people. I went away with my Auntie for five days and she thought he was fantastic but so did I as he was like a different child.

He is beginning to act like a brat now as I can't handle his whinging and often give in with things (although I do use naughty step or putting him in his room to cool off). I am just beginning to feel like such a failure as a mum. I love my DS but this morning I said to my DH that I wish I had never had him and he had ruined my life. He is just so demanding sometimes and I just feel like his slave.

My DH and I have been a bit guilty of being negative with him and telling him he is a whinger and talking about him to other people when he is around but we're trying to stop doing that. TBH, he has really put us off having another baby. I scared that we would have another like him and I think I would lose the plot.

I also have flashes of seeing myself hurt him like beating him up or kicking him or holding him under the water in the bath (I feel very scared typing this as I think someone might find out who I am and report me and he'll be taken away). Does this mean I'm depressed or am I going mad? I feel like I am sometimes. I have got people to talk to and I have NEVER hurt my DS. I do shout (and scream) sometimes but feel like my patience is growing ever thinner.

Is this all normal? Does anyone feel similar or do I need help?

[orangehead]

How old is he?

[naughtystep]

He is 3 and a half.

Sorry, just realised did not add a subject heading. Is there a way of doing that now so that everyone can see what my post is about?

[chankins]

I would say that a lot of the behaviour sounds normal, and has perhaps been accidentally reinforced by you and your dh being negative and telling him he's a whinger, etc...
I don't know much about autism, but it may not be that if he is an angel for other people like your auntie.
I think from what you have said that you need to talk to your hv about the behaviour and how it is making you feel, as your emotions must be effecting him too.
Sorry if not much help. All I can say is I've experienced long phases of 'whinginess' with 2 of my kids, and long phases of other annoying behaviour. But it did pass. You just have to be careful not to label your child a certain way, and generally ignore bad or annoying things and be positive about the good.
Hope someone else is more help !

[naughtystep]

Yes you are right, feel like I have labelled him as a whinger. My SIL told me I talked negatively about him.

[chankins]

Well its good she felt she could be honest with you, and its good you admit you may have labelled him this way.
Perhaps think of this as the first step to undoing that label and thinking of him differently ?
Have you got a good hv or doctor or close friend you can talk to about the way you have been feeling ?
Also, 3 and a half is a nightmare age, so I'm sure a lot of it will pass if you can keep more positive and not take any of it personally.

[naughtystep]

My SIL is very good and other friends seem to think he is normal (although they do laugh about some of the things he gets upset about!!).

Am scared of talking to a HV in case I am labelled or they think I can't cope and want to take him away (especially if I mentioned having thoughts of hurting him). I think I am scared to tell people everything I feel because I think they might be quite shocked and think I am mad.

I keep thinking if he IS normal, how come everyone else gets on with it and I feel like I am having a silent breakdown inside? Why can't I cope with one small child-my friend has three children under four and she just takes it all in her stride-feel like a wimp.

[naughtystep]

Thank you coppertop!

[yurt1]

My ds1 is severely autistic and very affectionate.

My ds2 (who is not remotely autistic) LOATHES sand- too sandy - cries when we go to the beach, hates air conditioning in the car (too windy etc etc)

My ds3- (who came close for a while but now is not remotely autistic) is very high maintenance- much better when being kept busy- eg at nursery- otherwise very determined and screamy and just hard hard work.

Sounds like you have a mix of ds2 and ds3.

If you have developmental concerns do get them checked but things like pointing and play are more of an indicator than affection.

[naughtystep]

Thank you - will look into it.

[Twiglett]

he may well have sensory issues

not all things sound, feel, taste or look the same to all people

he sounds like he certainly has over-developed sense of touch

hang on a tic .. I think I know a book that might be useful .. will look

[yurt1]

out of synch child - by carole stock someone or other It is a good boook and dirt cheap (look on amazon)

[coppertop]

It's obviously difficult to give a real opinion without knowing your ds but it sounds as though it might be worth asking your GP for a referral to see a Paediatrician for an assessment. The Paed will hopefully either be able to reassure you that everything is okay or will be able to give you some answers.

Some of the things you mention are similar to my ds2 (4yrs old and autistic). He is hypersensitive when it comes to his body and has to change his clothes immediately if he gets them even a tiny bit wet. He still doesn't really like wearing clothes at all.

It can be hard to explain to other people just how difficult it can be, particularly if you have a child (like mine) who can often seem perfectly fine. Ds2 was at school for two weeks before the teacher finally saw the autism for herself.

It may be that your ds has some sensory difficulties. These can be a part of autism but can also exist by themselves. There are things that can be done to help. Googling for "sensory integration disorder" will give you a few places to start.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It can be absolutely relentless dealing with it all day in and day out. xx

[naughtystep]

Yes! I have said this to my DH. He is always saying the bath is too hot and always wants more cold. He covers his ears a lot (espec. if another child is crying) and says "too loud, too loud". Screams his head off if the sun is in his eyes, doesn't like strong smells, I could go on...

[coppertop]

You're welcome, Naughtystep.

[ahundredtimes]

Agree re a good book.

He may just not like sand you know. That's okay, he may also not like wet clothes.

I think you're right to say you should stop going on about whinging to him and talking about him negatively.

Sounds like you could do with a bit of time out tbh. You sound stressed and cross and overwhelmed. Does he attend nursery? Can you get some time on your own?

[Twiglett]

yurt beat me .. but that's ok it was your recommendation in the first place

[ahundredtimes]

x - posts.

He sounds like my ds2, who always used to cover his ears, insist the bath was too hot, hate going to noisy parties.

Get the book. Hopefully will help you find ways to help.

Also when I realized what was up with ds2 I found if I asked him what felt good or bad, it stopped the whining - well, a bit.

[TheAccidentalParent]

I think it is important to seek some advice. It sounds like you really feel there is something out of the ordinary range with him. You probably know him better than anyone else, so if you feel something is wrong see if you can have it checked out. Perhaps if you approach your GP? If he feels it is appropriate he could refer to paedatrician or child psychologist.

[discoverlife]

All the problems may not be just your DS, maybe you are depressed yourself. Never being able to see the positive in a DS or DD can be a sign. The general thought is that 'Oh, they are being nice, BUT it not going to last long is it'. Instead of enjoying the good times you are wasting them fretting about the bad times to come.

[Twiglett]

you should get the book

but you should also get a paed assesment because we're all just ghosts in the machinery and can't diagnose

it does sound stressful to deal with .. but not unsurmountable ... give yourself a break sometimes

[naughtystep]

Thank you, will def. get book.

I can see positive in DS. He is fantastic in lots of ways and I always give him lots of praise, tell him how much we love him and I love being with him when he is being "normal"!

I am just finding the high maintenance behaviour more and more difficult. It makes me want to scream (which I quite often do).

He does go to nursery two days a week. I have just given up work so I have a break from him (although I miss work as well).

I know A LOT of mums don't get any time for themselves - so what the hell is wrong with me?

[blueshoes]

naughtystep, does your ds find clothing labels scratchy?

[TheMNPeacekeepingForce]

Do his nursery think he is ok?

I think he just sounds a bit sensitive and very similar to my ds in the things he dislikes (although with my ds he can be talked round and doesn't usually get hysterical about say wet clothes- he just prefers to get changed/ cleaned up).

I think where the line is drawn is if his reaction to such things is disproportionate?

Ds was also a nightmare baby and cried way more than others a lot - although he is also fab and had some wonderful qualities.

He has improved enormously and I never really got to the bottom of what the problem was with him (he had a v traumatic birth and nearly didn't make it so that is one potential cause of his unsettled behaviour).

I think how you feel is mostly normal - this parenting lark is not easy. I'm not sure about your feelings of imagining harming him - do you truly believe you wouldn't do this to him. I really wouldn't mention that to a HV if you know you would never hurt him as you never know they might overreact.

Hth....keep talking on here if you feel down about it all.

[cory]

He sounds a bit like my nephew, who used to get on everybody's nerves by being whiny and wanting things just so. He was not good with other children, either, or with the concept of sharing. Now that he's 6 we've noticed a definite change in him. The whining is decreasing, he seems to be getting more pleasure out of life and we are also beginning to see the other side of the coin: he may be fussy and demanding, but seen from the other side, that also spells sensitive and artistic. His parents are also finding it easier to be relaxed about his behaviour, now they can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, I found the age of 3 really difficult with my own kids too, though they are much tougher than him. It is a difficult age, IMO harder than any of the more advertised "difficult ages".
I think it is very good that you have a break twice a week when he goes to nursery. Make sure you use that time for something really positive, so you have some good memories to take you through the rest of the week.
Thoughts of harming your child are a classic sign of depression- they don't usually mean there is a risk to the child. If you speak to a HV or other professional, I would just say you are feeling depressed, but not go into any details.
About everybody else coping so much better- are you sure? People always look more competent from the outside.

[TheMNPeacekeepingForce]

Totally agree with Cory - loads of people struggle - they just make out they don't which is really sad in a way.
I've found once you scratch the surface and get to know people better a good few will admit they find things hard even if their child seems positively angelic.