coping badly with 3.5 year old aggression - please help!

[shelbel]

DP has just put DS to bed and this followed a huge battle as he wanted to watch tv first. He's thrown the remote control at me - has run at and punched myself and DP - scratches and bites, screams in your face - blows rasberries in your face, name calls. Much of the time he is a real joy but just seems to switch into this wild child often when you need him to do something he doesn't want to do over something he wants We do give him a warning that his tea will be in 10 minutes/bedtime soon etc.. We've always used the naughty step and use the pasta jar to reward good behaviour but his rages seem to be getting worse and he's throwing whatever comes to hand at the door, runs off upstairs and thinks its a game to be chased - I sometimes think using the naughty step drags out the confrontation. Whatever toys we might take away makes no difference to him when in this mood. The defiance of it all is getting me increasingly angry and I know our responses are not helping at all as we try to regain some control of the situation. He goes to nursery and I've never had one report of him behaving in this way. I know its about us but I just don't know what to try to change the behaviour.

[Bluestocking]

I don't think I have anything very helpful to suggest but I don't want you to feel no-one's interested. My DS is 3.8 and has had his moments of being very bad-tempered. DP and I have talked about this a lot and our strategy is to try really hard to reinforce and reward the behaviour we like rather than making a big deal out of the behaviour we don't like. We've never used the "naughty step" - it just doesn't feel right to either of us. We do make a big effort not to get into the situations that seem to provoke the really bad behaviour. To be honest, the less television he watches, the better he behaves. His bedtime routine (supper, bath, story, bed) probably takes 1.5 to 2 hours and thers's no question of any television at all during that time. I hope you get some good advice on here - it is a bit quiet tonight.

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

Distraction can work very well...I've been where you are and often lost my nerve/temper, but you are doing briliantly and it is worth a try. You have to think quickly but it is the best method I know, actually works! Gotta go to bed but will write more tmrw x

[TwinklyfLightAttendant]

also closing a door between you, staying there, holding it closed while talking to him, can work...

[southeastastra]

boys go through agressive phase i've found.

they need lots of time to go loopy

[Bluestocking]

Yes indeed, distraction is a wonderful thing!

[FairyMum]

I have been through the same. Does walking away help? He is old enough for you to just walk out of the room and ignore him for a bit. Let him calm down. Does he go to nursery fulltime? I found that my children were always so well behaved in nursery they sometimes needed to let off steam when they got home. Children do need to be a bit naughty and show a bit of aggression. IME 3-4 is the most difficult age. The terrible two phase is nothing compared to a 3.5 year-old. I think it can be quite a difficult age for them too. Mine calmed down massively past the 4 years-stage and are now absolute angels at home too.

[FrayedKnot]

Hi Shelbel

DS is 3.8 and went through a very agressive stage (for him) about 2-3 months ago. Up until then he had never hit, or even thrown toys about much, alhtough he did have tantrums when he was younger - I mean just thrashing about on the floor and screaming, but not being outwardly aggressive.

I absolutely agree with bluestocking about not making a big deal out of the behaviour you don;t like.

My approach is usually (unless I am very wound up!) to say firmly something along the lines of "I can see xxx is making you angry but we are not doing yyyy". I then try & leave him to it and ignore any wild outbursts.

If he tries to hit or scratch me (or even bite, which he tried once) I ask him to stop and think about what he's doing, always make sure I back it up by reminding him that he musnt hit and why.

Sometimes I say to him "look, if you are feeling really cross, do this" and run into the living room and start punching a cushion, which usually breaks the tension unless he's too far down the line.

DS really only behaves like this when he is tired and I agree also about wind down and perhaps limiting tv a bit more. Counting down to bedtime and reminding him about what is happening next is really important for DS, as is his bedtime routine, especially during the week when he is more tired.

I don;t use the naughty step but sometimes ask DS to go into the hall and sit on the stairs to calm down if he is really raging.

He seems to have calmed down a lot again recently so there is hope