Tantrums at 2yr 10m; any ideas on managing them?

[beakysmum]

This is probably a stupid question, but dh and I are really running out of ideas on how to handle ds (2yrs.10m).

Basically he has always been easygoing, but since birth of our second child 3m ago, he has started tantrums. These are less frequent since I have been giving him lots of 1;1 time on advice of HV, but the remaining ones are huge. They are usually over him refusing to do something (get in car seat/ bath etc) and we work through the whole management hierachy of distraction, offering bribes, counting to 3, giving him 2 mins time out and finally shutting him in his room for as long as it takes.

Thing is, he NEVER calms down under any of these. Best is when we offer him a compromise, (which works, I think cos he feels he retains some control) eg let him move me off my seat so that he can sit there when tantrum was in cafe. There is a big history of stubborness in my family and boy, he appears not to be able to back down or calm down either, though he has excellent speech and is very good at negotiating, even in a tantrum.

Any comments??

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think you're doing it right already. Offering a compromise is great - with a child like this, who is stubborn and obviously bright and articulate, I think it would be a shame not to negotiate and make deals with him; it gives him a bit of 'control' which is so important in defusing the odd situation. Don't feel you shouldn't be compromising, it's not the same as giving in.

Once you've done that, if he's still being completely unreasonable I do think ignoring is the most powerful thing you can do. With my ds I would ignore for as long as I physically could bear it. Ds used to follow me round the house to rant at me when in full tantrum mode! On a few occasions I just put him in his room. He made me the focus of his anger and followed me about so there was just no way he was going to calm down unless he was alone, so that's what I had to do sometimes. He was usually still ranting when he came out after a few minutes but he was a notch calmer, enough to wind down again.

Just don't think that you have to stop his tantrums. As far as I know, it's impossible to do that anyway (unless you're going to whack a child to impose fear on them which clearly you are not!) so just accept that sometimes he will rant, he just has to get it out of his system.

[wildfish]

I'm afraid I would say never give in to tantrums, its just results in learned behaviour - tantrums get results. From what you say, it seems that DS is having a problem because DC2 has arrived - he has lost his exclusivity. 1:1 is good, but I would attempt to get him involved too with looking after DC2, jobs etc as the big boy, big brother (not that they can do much, but if he feels he is involved it might help). On the tantrums, by all means negotiate but emphasise that because he his being naughty, shouting, screaming or whatever, that you will not give in.
I've tried the counting to 10 ( unintentionally he learned to count to 10 ) - it was funny, because as he threw a tantrum, and I said count to 10, he would start to smile count to 10, and start up again!! Also I try the I can't hear you because you making all this noise. Calm down and talk to me. Then and only then do I "appear to consider" the request. Sometimes I give a little, other times on principle I give nothing, and we loop around!

[wildfish]

Oh and stay calm and controlled - as much as possible - and given the probable cause, keep showing the love, even if throwing a tantrum

[beakysmum]

Thanks, its helpful to hear that compromise is not the same as giving in!

I agree I don't think you can stop tantrums, I even wonder how reasonable it is to expect him to calm down when shut in his room until he does? I know I am seething inside for a couple of hours after an argument, even if I don't go round screaming and kicking like he does (-;
So why should I expect him to calm down in 10 mins or whatever?

I like the "I can't hear you...." line. Will try that!

I just find the negotiating so hard. Last night the tantrum was because he didn't want to get in the bath, so I said he could go straight to bed if he wanted, then he said he did want a bath but with the baby. The baby by now had been taken out and I flatly wasn't going to put her back in. Eventually he agreed he would get in the bath if Mummy was helping (not daddy). This took over an hour to get, with several long periods in his room "to calm down", which he never did til in the bath. Aaaagh!!!

We get lots of this choosing Mummy over Daddy or vice versa even tho I think we present a fairly united front. Another aspect of him trying to get control?

More ideas gratefully received

[beakysmum]

anyone?

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think for a child this young with a sibling, it would be perfectly natural and healthy for them to try to control things a little bit. If this was me, I would swap if he asked for dad instead of mum or vice versa, IF it was possible and easy enough to do. There's no harm in him having a preference and trying to exert his opinion. If it's done to manipulate, eg he thinks dad will let him do what you're saying no to, then just say that to DH out of the corner of your mouth as you swap, so that he gets nothing out of attempted manipulation.

Obviously you need to draw the boundary for him if he's just endlessly trying to swap between you - just say no, (and mean it!) and explain that he's already swapped and you can't keep swapping all day.

As I said, DS never actually calmed right down in his room! But he did manage to wind down, eventually. Distraction is absolutely key, and make sure you don't feed the tantrum at all with attention or with too much talking, even if you're trying to negotiate.

He sounds strong willed! But lack of attention and distraction should enable you to at least keep your sanity.

[bubblagirl]

i cant i'm afraid ds 2.6 at the moment no really terrible tantrums fingers crossed

but i do not compromise with him and do not want him to feel he has control of situation if he has played up we leave where ever we are and i say well if you dont do what mummy asks we leave

works sometimes sometimes it doesnt but he knows i'm in control i will not allow him to make me give in

i'm not saying compromises are not good but in the eyes of a child they havent done what you have asked you have compromised and allowed him to win just to quiet him down so he knows how far to push before you give in

i would start rewarding the good behaviour no matter how small "wow what a big boy you are sitting there " you ate so nicely well done

ignore the bad when you can and just remove him from the situation this is probably just his way of securing attention from you so if he gets lots of praise when doing things then maybe he wont feel the need to tabtrum

maybe do a reward chart make it together explain what it is for praise him for being wonderful big brother make sure you have that special time every day

hope i make some sence somewhere lol

i know my ds hasnt had really bad tantrums but is speech delayed so becomes very frustrated or did and i was given this advise from a therapist and my friend also given same advise for he ds as she has just had baby and ds also fighting for attention

GOOD LUCK

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think I ought to make clear that I'm talking about compromising with a child BEFORE they get to full blown tantrum stage; not as a way of trying to stop the tantrum.