23m bully

[joyfulspike]

Help, my son is a monster, he bites, slaps and headbuts. He's headbutted me so hard my glassess broke and I had a black eye. He's bitten me hard enought to leave bruises and draw blood, he's pulled earrings out. Dh doesn't fare any better, we've tried time out, the constant praising, ignoring all sorts. I haven't smacked or bitten back - yet. I don't really want to get violent back, but nothing else seems to work. He started scratching and biting last xmas when he was 12m old, it just seems to have gotten worse as time has gone by adn we're getting more desperate. For the last 4 months we've been timeoutting which was suggested by his pre-school. It doesn't make a difference, except that the doorframe has bite marks and bits of wallpaper have been pulled off. Tonight he has split my lip, left a deep scratch down my face and my arms have loads of bruises and bite marks. My glasses are also bent from where he hit me with his toy car. If this were my dh doing this, I'd leave. I hate this, I've failed somewhere and I can't put it right. I hate being a mum and have started to think about leaving. Right now, I can't think of a single reason to stay and that scares me. Anyone, any suggestions?

[katendmom]

joyfulspike I do not have a great suggestion but maybe just a virtual hug and a couple of thoughts to offer? So first here comes the {{{HUG}}} You did not do anything wrong. Toddlers are people - with emotions, thoughts, frustrations... and what seems to be a lack of ability to express those. That yet again leads to frustration. My 20 month old gets hysterical when he can't explain what he's looking for.

So, just a couple of thoughts

• does your son talk? Can he express what's bothering him? Mine doesn't yet and it is driving him (and us) crazy. Sometimes showing him cards with pictures on it might help to "guess" - like a bottle of milk, etc.
• does he act out more when he's tired? For whatever reason being tired really pushes many toddlers into an irritably aggressive mode.
• is he well? My son really misbehaves when he has an ear infection (which are many times go without any visual symptoms and only his doctor can diagnose. Those are painful!)
• how is he with others? children? adults? Is his behavior consistent across or just with you? Sometimes toddlers really know how to push mom's buttons!

Hope somebody else will come along quickly with more practical advises than what I have to offer!

[Hekate]

At his age?

Get a travel cot or playpen and bung him in it with a firm NO (firm but not yelled) and turn your back on him - but don't walk out of the room. After a couple of minutes, lift him back out again. Do this every time and don't expect change in a day (or even a week!)

But that's just for when he DOES it. Try to think - does he have any triggers? time of day? tired? hungry? bored? not getting his own way?

Try to anticipate and distract. Change focus.

Change his diet.

Have a routine, so he knows what the order of things is.

Maybe have pictures of stuff to show him so he knows what's going to happen next - coat on for going out for example, so he is not unprepared for stuff.

and so on and so forth.

Kids can really drive you nuts sometimes, can't they? Hang on in there.

[joyfulspike]

Katendmom, thank you, thank you, the hug was just what i needed. What you said about being tired is spot on, he's at his worst at bedtime. He's fine with others a bit pushy, but nothing violent. He def knows what gets us going tho. He is very chatty at times he's good at telling us if he wants food or a toy or whatever or pointing at it. I hadn't thought about illness at all. He hasn't slept well just lately, but I thought that was becuase of the fireworks. He has been playing with his ear now I think about it, so will go to drs tomorrow to check.

[joyfulspike]

Thanks for replying Hekate.
I know what sends him into a tantrum, usually 'no' to somwthing or frustration, but these violent outbursts are different, there's no wind up to it that I can see. One minute he's sat having a loverly cuddle the next minute his teeth are firmly buried in your arm or your glasses are halfway accross the room. We have a bedtime routine, which we stick to rigidly and he is worse at bedtime. distrction doesn't work (or we're not doing it right) he's very single minded when he wants to be. Not sure what you mean about change diet? He doesn't have cakes or junk food at all and every other weekend the PILs are allowed to give him 2 or 3 choc buttons. I like the idea of pictures to show what comes next, will try that, thanks.

[Hekate]

I meant have a play about with his diet, see if he is better or worse on different things - not necessarily junk food.

My kids are autistic I AM NOT TRYING TO SY YOURS IS - not shouting btw, just wanted to make that really really clear but my point is that I have huge gigantic mahoosive amounts of experience at dealing with screaming tantrums that go on forever! I had to use control & restraint techniques on ds1 daily when he was younger. It's bloody hard to deal with such agressive behaviour, I know.

[Bodkin]

I agree that frustration may be one of the problems. My DD1 was a terrible biter from age 1 until just over 3. As her language got more and more fluent, the biting got less and less. And like you, I tried disciplining, but it just didn't work.

Distraction is probably the most useful tool you have, and I also agree that tiredness and hunger exacerbate the problem - most of my DDs biting incidents used to occur either about before lunch or before bedtime, so keep his blood sugar levels up with healthy snacks throughout the day - dried fruit, rice cakes, carrots etc. which also provide distraction - so double the benefit!

I thought she'd never grow out of it (as people always assured me she would) and that I had done something wrong - that I had made her this way. Then my mum reminded me that I was a biter myself as a child! She is now nearly 4 and has not bitten for months! She often talks about it now in her imaginary play and tells off the naughty children that are doing it

So hang in there - it will get better, but it probably won't happen overnight

[Bodkin]

Cross posts - sorry. I know exactly what you mean about no build up to the event - exactly what my DD was like - no warning at all, just "clamp" Sometimes she would be playing quite happily with a child, the next moment the poor victim would have DDs teethmarks on their arm.

[joyfulspike]

Thanks guys, that's really helpful - ok that sounds really patronising and itsn't meant that way. I am so gratful for your posts. I'd got to the point where I couldn't see the wood for the trees you know? so a new view has really helped put things into perspective. I'm feeling more rational and have some new thngs to try tomorrow!

[katendmom]

so good to hear from other moms - every toddler is unique but boy do they have common trends How did your visit with the doctor go? How are your son's ears?

[ArmadilloDaMan]

You haven't failed - toddlers and pre-schoolers are difficult, for everyone.

Are you taking him out the house everyday? This always improves ds behaviour. I get him out first thing, make sure he gets a good runabout adn then he tends to be better in the afternoon/evening.

Also if he is hitting/punching/scratching/biting (most do to some extent), and you can't distract then you need to hold him to you - sit/kneel on floor, put him on your lap and wrap both arms around him with him facing outwards. You can restrain his head with yours if he is headbutting. DOn't say anything until he has started to calm down. Give him quick cuddle once he is calm and then carry on with what you were doing.

Tis hard, but they can't control emotions very well at this age.

[sparkybabe]

What armadillo said is good advice, but I have to say I would get more pro-active (very american!) - if he hits/bites/scratches you or anyone else, you SCREAM REALLY LOUDLY and suddenly, enough to startle him, and then put him down, (I would drop him but that's just me) and leave the room. No eyecontact, no hugs, no words, just leave. Come back when he's calmer, he'll soon realise it gets him nowhere. You do have to keep it up though, and everyone must do the same, dh, mil's, everyone, when he acts like this.
After all when he goes to school the other kids are not going to hug him out of a tantrum if they've been kicked.