Argh - Flamechick being horrible to her friend - can I do anything?

[FlameFromBonfire]

I know she's only 4.5, but she is being a cow quite frankly

Group of 3 girls was always going to be fun . They all rotate as to who is flavour of the moment, and at the moment it appears to be DD - they both want to be with her.

She on the other hand has decided that she wants child A. Child B is upset by it

They walk to the park holding hands, Child A happy to hold both Flamechick's hand and Child B, but child B only wants Flamechick, Flamechick only wants child A.

I hate seeing Child B left out because of my DD, but I don't know how to fix the situation (She is going to play with Child B next week which I hope will help).

Do I just have to stand back and wait for it all to rotate again? Doing the "how would you feel?" doesn't work because she doesn't get that other people aren't feeling the same way as her at any given moment

I remember how crappy it felt being Child B.

Help, advice, anything!!!!!

[FlameFromBonfire]

Ok... sorry for callng her behaviour cow-like...

Now some support/advice?

[EffiePerine]

Not sure what you can do apart from talking to he about the importance of being kind etc.

[hotscaredoffireworksbunny]

Don't have any advice but dd (4) is child B just now and its horrible. Only difference is the other parents don't seem to notice she is being left out.

I would like them I think to say to their children not to leave someone out, to include everyone etc etc but recognise that it is still very young to have understanding of this.

I think groups of three are a nightmare - could you try to find another friend to add to the group? When all 4 of our group are there dd is fine and they all mix well, mainly splitting into twos to play... Actually when the other little girl is one of the three dd isn't left out at all so I guess it must be one particular girl causing it

Think we all need to do lots of talking about what makes a good friend etc and maybe even role play friends falling out/making up so dcs can try to think how it feels.

[TotalChaos]

I was wondering about adding a 4th girl too. Otherwise maybe wait for it to rotate, and then when she feels a bit blue, you can explain to her that's how child B felt?

[FlameFromBonfire]

It is hard to add a 4th because DD and ChildB made friends independently, and then I made friends with Child B's mum (through their friendship), and met Child A's mum through the first one (are you still following?), so the group has evolved with both adults and children and I think slotting in another child now is going to be tricky - the friendship groups have all developed over the last 12 months too so most are established.

Bunny - I do feel slightly better knowing that Child B's mum can see me telling DD to be kind, and me getting embarrassed and upset for her child. The other mums not acknowledging is even more horrible!!

She has another friend that she plays with separately who has been wanting someone else lately - I might try and use the approach of thinking how she feels when J doesn't want to be her friend anymore and hope she gets it.

It is hard work with her - she just assumes that people feel the same as her/want to do the same as her at all times, and she doesn't grasp that other people feel differently. It is only just sinking in that mummy shouts/cries with anger, tiredness etc and not just because she is broken.

[FlameFromBonfire]

Than kyou for the replies

[binkleandflip]

My dd is in a group of three friends and who is in favour can and does change by the minute. They are all as bad (or as good) as each other. I dont think this is a reflection of their personality it is just natural I suppose to feel their way through forming relationships. It is horrible when one is left out but at the same time, they all get left out at some point so they do experience it and at this age I dont think they are too scathed (or scathing) tbh.

Sometimes I'll invtervene, sometimes I'll let them get on with it tbh.

Also think girls are way worse than boys!

Lets hope they grow out of it - until the dreaded teens - yikes!!

[Bloodkin]

Grow out of it? I'm going through a bit of a child B moment myself now and I'm only 34

Sympathies my DD1 can be like this sometimes - I think it is harder being the parent of the child who is being difficult than the parent of the victim sometimes.

[GunpowderDragonsAndSoup]

All you can do is keep telling her how Child B is being made to feel by her actions and how it's Not Kind. It'll sink in eventually, sometime in the next 30 years or so. And yes, next week someone else will be Child Band when it's FlameChick's turn you just have to keep reminding her how she did the same to whoever is child B ATM. IYSWIM.