Please help me dd is really getting me down....

[SpookyDooooo]

I did start a thread about this a couple of weeks ago cause dd's sleeping is sooo bad i had some great advice & things picked up for a few days but NOW...

Dd is 22 months but she is a very bright independant little girl, she is also very strong willed BUT she is bringing me down so so bad, i am struggling with her, she has massive screaming tantrums where she just screams at the top of her lungs till her face is bright red.

She does this ALL the time if she does not get her own way or get what she wants.

She wakes through the night crying, calling me, it is draining me i get up about 3 times a night at the moment, so broken sleep EVERY night & having to deal with the day ahead, i was so tired last night i went to bed at about 8.30pm after having a row with dp because i told him he is useless & does not help me.

I can not go anywhere like indoor play places because when we have to leave dd screams beyond belief like she is being murdered it's truly awful.

I even have problems when dropping/picking ds up from school, dd normally sits screaming in her pushchair.

I am so not used to this ds was such a start baby, so happy, content slept well & now i have the devil, she is like the most unhappy child, why is she like this? she is loved, adored & looked after well, why is she so unhappy? have i failed being a mum i really feel this way at the moment?

Please help me before i go insane

she crys & screams as soon as she wakes in the morning & does it all day, ds always woke up smiling, they do say 2 kids are never the same tis very true my could not be more different!

[foxymagoo]

{{{hugs}}}

My ds is only 16 months so not got much experience in terrible two's but have you tried:

ignoring tantrums but rewarding good behaviour?

does your dp help with discipline?

Is she teething? do the molars not come through around now which can be pretty painful.

what does make her happy? does she like to dance/paint/dress up?

She may just be advanced emotionally but frustrated by her toddler limitations hence the screaming.

I'm sure there will be floods of more experienced posts to help you here. I really hope it gets better for you soon.

[lucyellensmum]

oh i feel for you i really do, my DD is on the whole quite an easy lass, but sometimes she can be a demon.

Do you know, i actually think your little girl is tired. Does she have a nap during the day - my DD has three hours! and if she doesnt, she wont sleep through the night. If she misses her sleep, she will be mardy in the evening. But heaven help me the next day - irritable as sin. Maybe you could try to introduce a nap during the day - it will help her to recharge her batteries, and give you a break too.

You most certainly haven't failed, its tough when they are difficult, i do remember DD1 being a miserable toddler (although that was 16 years ago!).

Tiredness is an awful thing, my DD doesnt sleep through every night so i know how it feels to have broken nights, i dont think ive had more than one unbroken night in a row for over 2 years now. When i we are tired, DP and i snipe like a couple of children, its put a real strain on our relationship. But it is getting better. I dont think they call it the terrible twos for nothing.


I do like soft play centres, but i find that my dd gets a tad overstimulated and end up being a problem when its time to leave. We do go to lots of M&T groups, they tend to have a "routine" to them and DD accepts that it is time to leave as it has been flagged up by events, so, at one group, there is singing, at the other the children help to clear away. That sort of thing. At soft play centres, they can see other children running around having fun still and cannot understand why they have to leave. Blackmail is my usual crutch its amazing what you can make a 2 year old do with the promise of an icecream.

I think communication is a problem at this age too, they are only just getting a handle on language and cannot express themselves as easily as they want to.

Could you try walking out and leaving DD to cry when she has a paddy, obviously you cant leave her in the middle of tesco, but this may help, as if she gets lots of fuss and sympathy when she is crying it might make it worse. If she can see there is no mileage in that behaviour she might just buck up and get on with it, especially if mummy comes back with a huge cuddle when the behaviour stops.

I dont like to give advice to other mummies, but we have all been where you are (well maybe not the ones with 2 week old - they have it all to come ) and it is tough, and they do make you feel like failures, but you will find your way through it, and feel proud of yourself for that, it is just a matter of finding what works for DD. I am probably making a huge rod for my back as DD is pretty spoilt and gets her own way 90% of the time, so i could be preaching a false economy as it were.

[bellaprincess]

Spookydoooo I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Some children are harder than others but you can get over it. Your daughter is 22 months and is at the beginning of the terrible twos which become the terrible threes and then finally the fours but each year it gets better. At two your daughter is still a too young to get the whole 'lets not tantrum' thing they don't respond to talking or timeout as three years and four years do.
Alot of two year tantrums and usually triggered by something as lucyellensmum said sleep is particulary bad aswell as hunger. My daughter was a right pain in the bum when she was hungry - you could see her down hill right in front your eyes.
Could you (if you can handle it) see what triggers off your daughters tantrums. Too be honest it is probably sleep. Is she afraid of the dark, likes the door open so she knows you are close.

[bluejelly]

I would recommend 'how not to be a perfect mother' by libby purves. It really helped me understand toddlers and how to deal with them! It's a little out of date but full of great ideas

[mcnoodle]

The only thing I would say (agree with other posters re sleep and hunger) is that you should continue to take her out and about even if you know that leaving will result in screaming. If you are confident, and get her out of there, you will reinforce the message that the tantrum isn't rewarded (she kicks off, she still has to leave). If it's any consolation my DS (2.4) went through a horrible tantrummy thing, but with a rictus grin, alot of ignoring, and some grim determination to carry on as normal wherever possible, he does seem to be resigning himself to the fact that screaming doesn't work. I think sometimes it helps to act in the same decisive way that you would if she were in danger - no messing, no discussing, we are leaving.

I'm sure you already talk her through what's happening next (" We're going home in 5 minutes" etc) and I think you need to do that ALOT. It reduces the shock factor.

Chin up - they are horrors sometimes aren't they!?

[mcnoodle]

Oooh yes bluejelly - that book has saved my sanity throughout the madness of being a parent. She is the voice of (slightly outdated but fabulous) reason.

[SpookyDooooo]

Thanks some great advise i am definatly struggling & really needed this advise.

I think dd's biggest problem is tiredness, she still has a nap in the day if we are home it is about 10am if we are out in the morning it is afternoon at about 1pm she has between 1 hr to 1.5 hrs.

We leave the bedroom door open & leave the hall light on as she is scared of the dark.

She does have the side teeth coming through are they the molars? one is through the other on it's way so maybe this is the pain screaming & why she is waking so much through the night, she always wakes once but lately it is alot.

I do still try to go out even with the screaming, i dread going to the shops because the first thing that starts her off is those kids play car things that you put money in & they sit on like noddy etc, well as soon as she sees them she starts i don't normally let her have a go but monday we went to tesco's & i thought damn it she had started already after seeing it so i decided she could have a go this time, after i knew she would scream but thought deal with it. (she did scream)

My mum said to me just ignore it & hopefully soon she will realise that screaming does not work & will not make her get her own way.

When she tantrums at home i ignore, if she screams at the top of her lungs i just say "no" to her & walk away.

I have never & will never pander to her tantrums because i think this will make it worse & to be honest i just can't take much more of it.

What gets me down is knowing that everwhere i take her or if she can't get her own way, the fight i am going to have against her.

I know she is only 22 months so still a baba really but i really need to sort this out.

Dp used to be very very soft with her because she is daddt's little angel but i told him a few months back he is making it hard for me & i need him to help out here. He does dicipline her now is well so i suppose thats good.

She is not spoilt by me by she is by dp.

I think it is the sleep thats the killer, it does take over your life i like to have evenings to do what i want to do after being with the kids all day but like last night i had to go to bed at 8.30pm because i was totally exhausted because of dd getting me up all through the nights.

She goes to bed between 6-7pm she won't last any later she just lies on the floor screaming where she is soooo tired.

At the moment i live each day praying for her bedtime which is totally awful she used to be such a happy sole up until about 1 yr old now she is so unhappy.

she loves dancing & singing & playing with her dolls, handbags so is a typical little girl

God i love her but she drives me insane!

[SpookyDooooo]

Off to look for the book bluejelly spoke about, i love books anyway & if it will help in any way, shape or form i want it

[lucyellensmum]

""Dp used to be very very soft with her because she is daddt's little angel but i told him a few months back he is making it hard for me & i need him to help out here. He does dicipline her now is well so i suppose thats good.

She is not spoilt by me by she is by dp.""

This made me ROTFL - we could be talking about the same partners, only mine still doesnt get it!!!

[spookykitty]

hi spookydooooo I have a 21 month old DD2 and she can be a bit of a monster too, lovely child if everything is going her way, nightmare if not. Today she bit me and headbutted me. Changing her nappy is a nightmare she hates it. She will lie on the floor screaming and banging her head if you tell her NO.

She sleeps 8-7.30 at night (maybe one wakening but easy to settle never used to be like this terrible sleeper as a baby) and one nap 2-3.30pm. Part of her problem I believe is DD1 in that there is 18 months between them, DD2 wants everything DD1 has and gets very frustrated when she can't climb etc like DD1, also she takes everything off DD1, DD1 hits her, DD2 pulls hair and bites, loads of crying and thats just me.

It's such a horrible age they just get so frustrated, agree M&T groups are great even if it's just running about a hall letting off steam.

[SpookyDooooo]

Hello Spookykitty i think i was on the due in jan thread with you when i was pg with dd? i was mum2oneandbump

All i can say is thank god ds is at full-time school because the pair togther are a disaster they constantly fight, dd wants everything ds has & will do anything to get it, then there is the biteing from dd then ds crying oh it's awful.

Dd has eaten till her heart is content tonight, had a nice bath & hairwash & also had some medised for her bad teeth/cold. I have put her in a growbag so lets see what the night brings.

I have a friend coming over at 7pm to do my hair so that should make me feel better, colour & cut it is in desperate need.

[SpookyDooooo]

lucyellensmum - Funny isn't it how daddy's spoli there little girl's dp never even wanted a girl he always said he was not bothered if we had a girl or not loved the boys ( i have a dss too who is 8) BUT since dd was born he fell in love, he adores her but now understands he has to be a bit tougher, i think he just finds it hard because she is his little angel.

[spookykitty]

[SMILE] I remember you my friend has a DS 2 days older than my DD2 and we have decided that there was something funny going on with the moon that month

I'm insane I'm ttc number 3

[SpookyDooooo]

Wow you are insane, i would love to have a 3rd but no way could i put myself through it, i think 2 is probably the limit

Also if i did have a 3rd i would only want another boy, dd is more than enough girls for me lol

[karen999]

Oh God - you need to introduce routine and quick - she is screaming because she is soooo tired...!!!

It is so obvious - the one main reason that babies cry is becuase they are tired - you need to ensure that she is getting at least 12 hours sleep per night and then this should make things better during the day.

If you ensure that she has a proper sleep routine during the day then this should make a vast difference at night.

[SpookyDooooo]

What do you mean? she has a routine?

[SpookyDooooo]

Her sleep routine is she goes to bed about 6.30pm every night, she wakes through the night.

she wakes between 6-7am in the morning.

She naps in the day either morning or afternoon depending on what we are doing, if morning it is around 10am if afternoon around 1pm.

[sugarmatches]

I know exactly what you are going through because we are going through the same with my ds. He is a similar age and has been a real monster for the past few months. I have also posted about being beyond despair and not sure what to do with him (and myself).

Dh and I are on edge lately because I am so unhappy and he does not do much to help, so I am with you on that point too! Our sleep patterns are completely messed up because after we finally get the kids to bed, I stay up so late because it is the only "me" time I ever get. In the mornings I feel horrible and in no way ready to face the day.

I really don't think my ds's lack of sleep is the issue at our house because he wakes up crying even after 12 straight hours!! He does get plenty of sleep every night (unlike me!). Ds is on a routine and has the same nap/bedtime, but he is just so miserable sometimes.

It is a mystery really because my MIL came at the weekend and he was an absolute angel the entire time. In fact, everyone tells me what an angel he is...but I know better.

Like you, I am afraid to take him anywhere because he may kick off at any time and it is humiliating the way he behaves!!!

I really wish I could say something to help. maybe just knowing that you are not the only one may make you feel better (though it sounds terrible!!). Everyone tells me it will pass, but I do get to the point where I just don't know if I will make it. I seriously think it will take a minor miracle to hold my marriage together after this child.
I really love ds and he can be wonderful, but I hope I am strong enough to make it to see the benfits that may come along some day after he is past all of this trauma.

Email me at [email protected] if you want a chat. Anytime. Seriously, I may need it too.

[CarGirl]

Hi I know it's tricky but I think it may help if you try and stick to giving her a nap at the same time each day rather than sometimes 10am and sometimes 1pm 3 hours is a big difference??? Yes if her molars are coming through they are going to affect her the most - drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ibuprofen and calpol at bedtime me thinks - and perhaps one of them at nap time as it may help her wake up feeling better.

If she is waking a lot in the night at the moment that will be making her more tired and grumpy during the day.

Of course some dc are just more "challenging" in that way and sleep deprivation for parents is just the worst!!!