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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

carrying out threats

13 replies

hatter · 28/09/2004 22:37

what do mners think I should do? DD2 (4) has been playing up a bit at bedtime. Last night this reached pretty monumental proportions with an hour of hystrionics. Eventually I said: if there is any more fuss, you won't be able to go to ballet on Thursday. There was more fuss so no ballet was duly decreed. This was always going to be a difficult threat to carry out as dd2 goes too so I was either going to have to not take either of them (dd2 probably wouldn't have sussed, but then it wouldn't seem like a punishment for dd1) or only take one of them which would be very harsh. So I offered DD1 a chance of reprieve. Tonight I said that she will not be going to ballet on Thursday BUT, if she was good tonight and tomorrow with no fuss at all then I would let her go. Unfortunately she made a fuss. However, dh and I have had a feeling that there is something at the bottom of this and I think tonight it came out, with dd1 crying hysterically "I want my daddy". DH has recently started coming home later and generally dd sees less of him. SO - what now? We will try to address the broader issue and dh will try to jiggle things around a bit to see more of her, but in the short-term - ballet or not? One possible solution is that Granny will be here so, perhaps she could take dd2 to ballet and I could take DD1 to a cafe for a cake - so I'm being true to my word, but not actually giving her much of a "punishment". What do you think. Sorry this is so long!

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essbee · 28/09/2004 22:40

Message withdrawn

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pixiefish · 28/09/2004 22:41

The first thing we learned at teacher training college was never issue a discipline threat that you can't/won't carry out. Perhaps in future you should think of the sanction before warning her what it will be... I can't see the point in telling her that something will happen and then reneging on your word- she'll be harder to discipline next time. So IMO no ballet this week

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poppyseed · 28/09/2004 22:45

Ditto
I'd say no to ballet this week - sorry

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stickynote · 28/09/2004 22:46

I'm really bad at threatening things that really, I've no intention of carrying out e.g. not going to a party. DS aged 5 has totally sussed me on this (plus it's not something I really want to be doing either) so we're going to start the pasta jar system at the weekend, which I think will work well for him. Today I actually did carry through a threat (not going to the park afetr school) and he was devastated and I really think he'll remember it. But it's not the way I want to do things long term.

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hatter · 28/09/2004 22:52

Sorry guys but advice about what to do next time was not really what I was after...I am fully aware of the principle of thinking through threats and I issued this threat having thought it through and being prepared to carry it out. (as I always do) Perhaps I phrased my thread badly. I didn't really mean to ask ballet or no ballet. What I really meant to ask is whether I was being a bit harsh and whether or not the cafe option is ok? And perhaps underlying all that was just a need for a bit of mn assuaging of my guilt for feeling like a rotten mum...who has an upset 4 year old coz dh took on a job with longer hours

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hatter · 28/09/2004 22:53

cross-posted - had only seem essbee and pixiefish's posts

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hoxtonchick · 28/09/2004 22:54

I think cafe & cake is a good plan hatter. And you are a good mum.

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GeorginaA · 28/09/2004 22:56

I agree with the cafe and cake idea as a good compromise. Especially if you can use it to have a good chat and use it as (god, I hate this phrase) "quality time" alone with dd1.

hugs you sound like a great mum.

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poppyseed · 28/09/2004 22:56

I don't think that you're being a rotten mum at all, it's just a case of tough love that's all. Do the cake and coffee thing, spend some time with her and talk... The punishment is not going to ballet, but you can still enjoy the time with her after all, especially on a one to one.
Sorry If I got your back up earlier!!

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essbee · 28/09/2004 22:56

Message withdrawn

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jamiesam · 28/09/2004 22:58

To be honest, my ds1's behaviour (he's only three though) always improves after one or two 'punishments' carried out - only things like naughty stair or putting favourite toy away. I know it's unfair on your dds if dh is not around as much in the evenings, but unfortunately you'll have to take the brunt of that and perhaps be a bit mean. Won't help if in addition to you all missing dh, your dd1 starts playing up?
Suspect you might be a bit of an old softee with the cafe option, but as you point out, you're sticking with original decision not to take dd to ballet.

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stickynote · 28/09/2004 22:59

Sorry for getting wrong end of the stick - agree with Essbee, poppyseed etc

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hatter · 29/09/2004 09:49

Hi everyone,

thanks and just want to say that I didn't mean to sound snappy last night. I was just feeling a bit fed up with the whole situation. I do kind of wish I hadn't issued the threat, and my heart really goes out to her - she just seems really out of sorts at the moment and I really want to get her back on an even keel. I think the other thing that I need to do is some positive encouragement, perhaps a going to bed quietly star chart and maybe the reward for a row of stars could be dh taking her out for (another!) cake in a cafe. That way they'll be a direct link between not making a fuss coz dh isn't there at bedtime and a reward of extra 1-1 time with dh. mm. feel better now.