"Alpha mums turn parenting into a serious issue and motherhood into martyrdom, and the result is nobody has any fun"

(113 Posts)
Louplet Sun 17-Jun-07 20:51:58

Sounds to me like Beta is the new Alpha

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 20:28:30

I see, quat. Makes sense now.

FioFio Sun 17-Jun-07 20:27:43

Message deleted

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 20:27:02

After 11, he believes in rationing them to one or two hobbies. The things they are really interested in.

But as I have found with swimming, one hobby can be pretty all consuming - involving five or six outings a week.

I would like my children to be couch potatoes. Really I would!!!

Judy1234 Sun 17-Jun-07 20:26:48

Qu, that was what we did in a sense although mostly in school, not out and with 3 at university it's interesting what they've picked now as the things they love but if they hadn't been introduced to all those things then they wouldn't have had the choices or options. the 22 year old at the moment is riding every day and she's going to help the children of alpha parents learn to sail in the Caribbean for the summer shortly. She's doing those things she loves because of what she had the chance to do as a child, although actually she had hte chance because we worked and earned enough money to buy the interests in some senses I suppose.

foxinsocks Sun 17-Jun-07 20:25:38

lol MI

I'm going to join her in Omeganess.

We didn't get out of our PJs till about 10ish and only had breakfast at 11 .

Don't think I have the energy to be Alpha. Sounds awfully tiring (and tiresome).

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 20:24:33

quattro, what happens after 11?

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 20:23:56

life as a beta is so much more... comfortable. I think I'll be beta for ever and ever.

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:23:55

Does your DH's theory include him running them to all these activities or you??? If its you and not him, wonder how long his theory would hold if he did it all???!!

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 20:17:30

Dh has a theory that until around 11 children should be allowed to try any hobby or pastime they express an interest in.

Now I realise that | have been doing it ALL wrong. Instead of this sporty stuff, I should have been hothousing them in maths, introducing them to mandarin, and teaching them greek as well.

If you fail to make the grade as an alpha, but don't meet the criteria for a beta, what are you?

<Please don't say hopeless>

Meansleeves Sun 17-Jun-07 20:16:39

dagnabbit

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 20:16:17

goddarnit

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:16:00

Ha ha!!!!

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 20:15:11

yes but yt smy game adn MY rules

,goes off muttering abotu nikki>

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:15:09

FioFio!!! <nodding in agreement emoticon>

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:14:32

Cod - didn't you post the other week about how you didn't like people specifying certain types of people to join a thread????

FioFio Sun 17-Jun-07 20:14:23

Message deleted

iota Sun 17-Jun-07 20:14:19

I'm an Iota mum

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 20:13:52
CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 20:13:36

alpha ,ums
please move over to OUR thread

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:12:54

I think its great that when they start asking to do things, you let them because that's something they want to do and I would encourage that in DS when he's a bit older, but at the moment, I really do feel he benefits more from short outings to the park or mixing with other friend's babies and still getting his proper naps etc - he's so unhappy if I take him out for the afternoon and he doesn't get to nap properly!

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 20:11:09

Phah! picture writing. We did that in utero!

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 20:10:11

Don't forget Eygptian hieroglyphics.

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 20:08:45

100X. just Latin?

Shouldn't you be on to Greek by now? Or Sanskrit?



Alpha mum , my arse!

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 20:08:34

I didn't do any baby classes for my dd either but since she's gone to school, she's added ballet/tap/football/Rainbows to her swimming classes as most of her friends go as well. I must admit it's gotten me talking to more parents than if she didn't go. But I'm not learning my Mandarin sat here typing this then .

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:07:45

lol at hundred times

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 20:07:32

The things I take my 2 children to are:-

(a) Swimming things. This includes lessons, clubs and galas and involves ferrying one or both of them somewhere approximately five times a week.
(b) Tennis things. Twice a week.
(c) Music things. Only once a week. Hurrah. This is mainly done through school but piano teacher poorly this term so this is a temporary fix.
(d) Football things.

All of these activities are a total PITA, and have to be scheduled around work and my complex (and to some extent unsatisfactory) childcare arrangements.

Meet other parents? Do me a favour. I don't want to meet other parents. In fact mostly I don't want to be there at all. I do it because my infants expressed an urge to go. Except for ths swimming, which is something I started because I was frightened of them not being competent around water.

Writing all this down has made me realise I am a total mug. I am going to practice saying NO in the mirror.

FioFio Sun 17-Jun-07 20:07:11

Message deleted

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 20:06:44

<holds head in hands>

Nikki, Nikki. I'm going to put dcs to bed now, after we've done our IQ improving exercises and recited our latin verbs, and then I'm coming back to give you a good alpha talking to.

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:05:02

I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one!

I think these days, its more along the lines of if you aren't seen to be taking your child to whatever classes, you are seen to be failing as a parent, hence the pressure to do so. My DS is sooooo sociable, beams in company, doesn't cry when new people hold him and I always get complimented on how content he is and as yet, he has hardly been to any classes - just lashings of attention from DH, family and myself and mixing with other friend's babies!

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 20:01:39

Nonsense, Nikki, they are for the development and advancement of our children, so they can do more things and be better at things than all the others, in this way they will then in turn be more successful in our hyper competitive world.

Jeez.

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 20:00:39

Noooo!! I'm all for one or two classes a week but I fail to see how a stressed parent rushing around like a mad thing to do lots of different classes in one week is good for the child. I personally think (and I know I'm going to get lynched for this but...) the classes are more for the parents to meet other parents than the kids......

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:59:27

Bookworm - you're going to get a nanny. I'll get you one, and she'll be fluent, I promise.
My poor children still haven't been in the shower because I'm having to drag you lot through to Alpha Status. Help! The timetable is collapsing. . . ..

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:58:11

lOL at timetableing Dwarves.

'It is Grumpy's turn to practice the violin, Doc, you get started on your Cyrillic'

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:58:11

Yes Nikki it is. Get with it.

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:57:56

Supposing you don't have a Nanny? Who can I teach Mandarin to then?

NikkiBFG Sun 17-Jun-07 19:57:07

I'm a Beta mummy and actually feel quite that its not that great to be ferrying DS around to lots of different classes because er...well....I just don't do it!!

All that rushing around to various classes can't be good for them really can it??!!

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:56:32

No, MB the nanny is going to teach us all. She's got a first from Cambridge, but she really 'loves children'. Dwarves hmmm. They'll have to be timetabled somehow.

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 19:56:24

No, honestly, admitting I need reading glasses makes me feel older than that simple sentence can fully express

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:55:49

But I've got to go and put them to bed first, before this transformation can take place.

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:55:45

100x, but where will the Dwarves fit in?

Will you have to teach them mandarin as well?

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 17-Jun-07 19:54:04

Aloha, you just did

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:54:04

Oh. Enough Ladies! Come on let's be Alpha Mums, it'll be fun. We can talk Mandarin to our nanny, still get the best seats and it seems that our children will not only be able to spell but they'll also be able to do their x tables.
I'm going to be one. Sounds wonderful.

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:48:14

Is there an option after delta mums?

<<looks up Greek alphabet>>

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 19:47:49

Or get some reading glasses! Oh god, I really think I need reading glasses. That makes me feel so old, I can't tell you.

FioFio Sun 17-Jun-07 19:46:44

Message deleted

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 19:45:59

it's like 'must do beta'

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 19:45:39

Or even kink-aware.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 17-Jun-07 19:44:56

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Is Beta Mum like...... Beta ware.....? Beta buy?

I'm a delta mum.

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 19:44:42

I never get anywhere early.

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:44:13

I just get there mega early for a front-row seat. I have no shame in this either .

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:42:16

I do have a box of cards

We do get front row seats but only because of DH being ill and we get the sympathy vote from the staff!

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:40:39

Hello Quatt. There's an awful lot of people claiming to be beta mummies but still getting seats in the front row isn't there?

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:40:24

Quattrenco - you might get away with pyjamas on a dress-day day .

Although my winter pyjmas would not do for work - they're built for comfort, not glamour.

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 19:39:28

har fio!

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:38:41

I bet your nanny sees it as ajob xiena

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 19:38:31

Hello 100. Good to see you. I can't be a beta because I don't wear pyjamas on the school run.

This is partly because I don't have any pyjamas but mostly they would be very surprised if I turned up at work in pyjamas.

bookwormmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:38:11

How to spot an Alpha Mum
- Her children's activities timetable is more complicated than a Heathrow flight plan NO
- She has a copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families on her bookshelf NO
- Her nanny speaks Mandarin NO
- She schedules childrbirth for the right month of the school year No - how can you do that then
- She knows the exact nutritional content and GI rating of what her children eat NO
- She schedules sex with her husband No
- SHe has a drawer with cards and presents for all occasions No
- She always manages to get a front-row seat at school plays GUILTY
- She serves alphabet pasta at tea, sot hat her children can practice spelling NO

How to spot a Beta Mum
- you can tell what her children had for breakfast by looking at her jeans No
- SHe has been known to wear pyjamas on the school run No but sometimes I've not washed yet
- She forgets children's birthday parties No
- She gets drunk at PTA parties No
- You can't see the floor of her car for old sweet wrappers, assorted papers and general detritus True but that was true pre-dd as well . It may be marginally better now than it was then.
- She tries to remember what sex wasl like with her husband No
- Her house is in a state of perpetual clutter Yes
- She has rotten fruit and bribery sweets in ehr handbag Yes
- She runs out of petrol on the school run
No but we walk to school [preening icon]

mmm.

pointydog Sun 17-Jun-07 19:37:34

I'm no Alpha. I have a couple of beta traits that I'm not proud of. Now when is the next pta event...

FioFio Sun 17-Jun-07 19:37:32

Message deleted

ahundredtimes Sun 17-Jun-07 19:34:51

There's another thread on this, and I reckon that's the beta thread because they're all putting their feet up on the table and getting pissed.

Is this where the Alpha mummies hang? I want to be one of them.

Right, now I'm going to read what they do.

Judy1234 Sun 17-Jun-07 19:34:37

Of course it's not a job. No one sees it as that. Men and women bring up children all round the world. It's a relationship but it's never been a proper job and these silly alpha mothers thinking they can make it be so are just being idiots really. You work, you earn money and you also bring up children just like you look after your parents and spend time with your husband. Those aren't jobs they're relationships.

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 19:34:36

I am not guilty of any of the Beta indicators - I don't like this game!

Who wears pyjamas on the school run? Really? Just out of curiosity. Was giggling when I saw Xenia mounting her hobby horse but maybe this is a SAHM/WOHM divide. Someone wearing pyjamas on the school run clearly isn't dashing off to work afterwards!

MrsWho Sun 17-Jun-07 19:29:23

How to spot an Alpha Mum
- Her children's activities timetable is more complicated than a Heathrow flight plan GUILTY
- She has a copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families on her bookshelf NO
- Her nanny speaks Mandarin NO
- She schedules childrbirth for the right month of the school year GUILTY (well dd2 was born in Spet which is good time to start Mat leave in a a school!)
- She knows the exact nutritional content and GI rating of what her children eat NO
- She schedules sex with her husband NOT GETTING ANY
- SHe has a drawer with cards and presents for all occasions GUILTY
- She always manages to get a front-row seat at school plays GUILTY
- She serves alphabet pasta at tea, sot hat her children can practice spelling NO (Only cos its usually crap stuff!)

How to spot a Beta Mum
- you can tell what her children had for breakfast by looking at her jeans GUILTY
- SHe has been known to wear pyjamas on the school run WOULD LOVE TO BUT AM USUALLY AT WORK
- She forgets children's birthday parties GUILTY
- She gets drunk at PTA parties NO
- You can't see the floor of her car for old sweet wrappers, assorted papers and general detritus NO
- She tries to remember what sex wasl like with her husband TRYING TO REMEMBER SEX FULL STOP
- Her house is in a state of perpetual clutter GUILTY
- She has rotten fruit and bribery sweets in ehr handbag NO
- She runs out of petrol on the school run
NO

So what am I then?

Blandmum Sun 17-Jun-07 19:28:37

Wow, being a parent isn't a job.

Meansleeves Sun 17-Jun-07 19:27:34

Oh god, who left the Xenia on

<<switches off>>

Judy1234 Sun 17-Jun-07 19:27:00

I saw that. Proper alpha mothers work full time and have no time for that business. It's alpha women who are silly enough to give up good careers to become housewives and then want to make a job out of being a parent, a job that doesn't really exist.

Meansleeves Sun 17-Jun-07 19:24:09

I agree with Franny, more boring inverted snobbery

FrannyandZooey Sun 17-Jun-07 19:22:53

I think this Alpha mum thing is just another rude way to describe mothers who are different to you

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jun-07 19:19:31

How to spot an Alpha Mum
- Her children's activities timetable is more complicated than a Heathrow flight plan. GUILTY
- She has a copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families on her bookshelf GUILTY
- Her nanny speaks Mandarin NOT GUILTY
- She schedules childrbirth for the right month of the school year NOT GUILTY
- She knows the exact nutritional content and GI rating of what her children eat MOSTLY GUILTY
- She schedules sex with her husband ERM GUILTY
- SHe has a drawer with cards and presents for all occasions GUILTY
- She always manages to get a front-row seat at school plays NOT GUILTY (ALTHOUGH THE INTENT IS THERE)
- She serves alphabet pasta at tea, sot hat her children can practice spelling GUILTY (Although they can spell now)

I don't want to my children to be bin men really. Not in my heart of hearts. Does that plus all the aforementioned guilty pleas make me an Alpha Mummy? Are Alpha Mummies bad people?

How do I redeem myself? If I don't take infants to swimming and tennis lessons, will I become socially acceptable?

lissie Sun 17-Jun-07 19:05:08

pmsl

jackie2kids Sun 17-Jun-07 19:00:37

Thank God!

Does this mean we can put the telly back on and get the fruit shoots out again?

edam Sun 17-Jun-07 18:41:55

Thanks LL, I noticed your link. [smarmy emoticon]

Enjoyed the article, definitely beta if not further down the pecking order here (good tip re Starbucks if only we had one between our house and school). Ds has been known to walk to school while munching on a bread roll...

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:39:40

oh i SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE8 yes geddit
nno ! htta hadnot occcured to me

Mercy Sun 17-Jun-07 18:39:13

Oh I get it now! You get mentioned in the Times for providing a link so now you are a (wannabee) Alpha mum

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:39:03

does nyone else not want to be an alpha mum?
lordy

if you go back to thedavincicod, I'll always consider you an alpha mum

crunchie Sun 17-Jun-07 18:37:49

bar the food on the jeans thoing I am a beta mum whatever anyone else thinks

I got an internal error - hit refresh and it comes up.

Oh dear I seem to be a bepha mum - half one, half the other. So does that mean I'm very organised, but lazy?

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:35:39

Internal Server Error

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:35:26

well yes.
i can spell C

jst not type

littlelapin Sun 17-Jun-07 18:35:20

Oi! What am I, scotch mist?!!!

LINKKKKKKKKKK

Cammelia Sun 17-Jun-07 18:34:27

can they spell (despite their genes)

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:33:55

grr wlel fgs i want to be an alpha mum.

so bog orf.
no kumon and no mandarin
btu then they dont need help with maths cos htey is good at it( depite their genes)

Twiglett Sun 17-Jun-07 18:33:49

How to spot an Alpha Mum
- Her children's activities timetable is more complicated than a Heathrow flight plan
- She has a copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families on her bookshelf
- Her nanny speaks Mandarin
- She schedules childrbirth for the right month of the school year
- She knows the exact nutritional content and GI rating of what her children eat
- She schedules sex with her husband
- SHe has a drawer with cards and presents for all occasions
- She always manages to get a front-row seat at school plays
- She serves alphabet pasta at tea, sot hat her children can practice spelling

cornsilk Sun 17-Jun-07 18:32:54

I'm definitely a beta mum then!

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 18:32:09

I think I tick six of those...

Mercy Sun 17-Jun-07 18:32:01

Cod, you are not an Alpha mum going by what you have quoted and what I've seen you post re your boys

Your boys' happiness does come first (even if you don't want them to become bin men) It's not the same thing - but you know that already!

Twiglett Sun 17-Jun-07 18:31:31

Can't find it .. its in times mag

How to spot a Beta Mum
- you can tell what her children had for breakfast by looking at her jeans
- SHe has been known to wear pyjamas on the school run
- She forgets children's birthday parties
- She gets drunk at PTA parties
- You can't see the floor of her car for old sweet wrappers, assorted papers and general detritus
- She tries to remember what sex wasl like with her husband
- Her house is in a state of perpetual clutter
- She has rotten fruit and bribery sweets in ehr handbag
- She runs out of petrol on the school run

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 18:31:31

Do you send your kids to mandarin and Kumon?

I think I'll go straight down to join MI's omeganess. Thhough I used to fancy the psi sign.

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 18:30:38

<puzzled emoticon>

You, madame fish?
Um, only know of one MNetter with a tennis court and she is v slack with costumes for book day.

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:30:20

oh god i SO want to eb and if i am nto i am going to be like TRE off the aprentice and telly oua ll ai AM

motherinferior Sun 17-Jun-07 18:30:03

'Aren't you feeling inferior already?'

PMSL.

Join me in being Omega and proud. We are full of essential oils, sleek and well-nourished.

littlelapin Sun 17-Jun-07 18:29:51

Oh and Beta mums can do links

twinsetandpearls Sun 17-Jun-07 18:29:47

People tend to think of me as an alpha mum but I am fartoo lazy in all honesty.

We all probably alpha mum moments.

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:29:12

er hellooooooooooooooooooo ALOHA

<cough>
think oyu might haev et one
the tennis one..
<cough>

littlelapin Sun 17-Jun-07 18:28:22

"Beta" generally implies an initial test version of the new upgraded model... better in the long run but a bit dodgy at first... yep, that's me!

Aloha Sun 17-Jun-07 18:28:21

I think there are about about five Alpha Mums in the whole of England. And I've not met any of them.

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:27:16

we are all alpha mums deep donw
we lal try not to be but we are.

How cna oyu not want your kid to do well ooooooooooooooooooooooh you lot " i dont care if ds is a bin man or not"

yeah right

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:26:29

"Alpha mums are so determined to make a project out of everything, they are not considering or loving the child, who becomes an object of status or self-glorification for the mother," says Brenda Shoshanna, an author of books on family stress.

Ah yes, the child as a pride-inducing social accessory.

A kind of toddling Tamagotchi to be taken out every so often, tampered with and packed off somewhere else.

We've all heard these women boasting about their babies' achievements.

Whenever I meet a professional working mother who begins our chat with "Michael's speaking some Spanish, he's only 18 months", I want to scream 'So what!' quickly followed by 'The poor thing".

Down the years, I've worked as a pre- school assistant, clown and drama teacher, and I have yet to meet the child who, when asked what makes them happy, says: "Being busy all the time with a variety of learning experiences."



Alpha mothers put greater emphasis on a child's perceived success, while Beta mums value their child's happiness.

For Alpha parents, staying ahead of the pack educationally is an obsession - and one I believe is truly hateful because of the pressure it puts young children under. It's also likely to be counterproductive.

lulumama Sun 17-Jun-07 18:25:34

what is a beta mum?


<am certainly theta, or delta, possibly gamma....feck knows, didn;t do ancient greek..>>

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:25:28

**************ALPHA******************


Held up as an aspirational role model for the rest of us, she never has a hair out of place and can be spotted tapping urgently into her Blackberry on the school run.

This sort of woman treats parenthood as a project to be managed down to the last second.

Fiercely organised, she's likely to be highpowered and well-educated. Aren't you feeling inferior already?

But there's more to an Alpha mum than that.

She treats her home life as an extension of her corporate one: family time is merely another slot in the bulging diary.

Her children are seamlessly ferried between extra curricular activities with little to no time to spare for relaxation or, God forbid, just thinking.

Doing nothing is not an option for these youngsters.

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:23:54

me

what the hell is an alpha mum?

CuttingCod Sun 17-Jun-07 18:19:33

oih SHIT

<dons beta mum guise>

i FARKING [layed tenensi today wiht ds2
i cannto play tennis
i put gear on and pranced
i DESERVE MY RIGHT TO BE ALPHA MUM

motherinferior Sun 17-Jun-07 18:19:12

I am an Omega Mum.

moondog Sun 17-Jun-07 18:17:49

But do you believe anything of that ilk written in Sunday papers?? Really??
(Bet twas Sunday Times)

link?

cornsilk Sun 17-Jun-07 18:17:35

Hope I'm a beta mum then!

littlelapin Sun 17-Jun-07 18:17:19

Linky link, please Twiggy.

Twiglett Sun 17-Jun-07 18:16:42

article in sunday papers says Alpha Mum might have had her day

and that Beta Mums are raising confident happy children

well hurrah

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