How do you cope with a destructive two year old and a baby?

[snugglebumnappies]

Hi I am struggling with DD and DS2 (age gap 2 years) DS2 is now 14 weeks and I have tried to continue with DD's actibities such as tumble tots during the week. DS2 wont settle during the day and I end up with him in a sling for most of the day, so am carrying him in a sling at DD's groups. When it comes to "quietsong time" at her sessions she just starts running round, wont sit down and is just generally disruptive. I am finding it difficult to cope with now I have DS2 in a sling and feel less and less like taking her to anything, which means we are staying in more and more and she is getting worse as she is bored (vicious circle, I know!). She is quite destructive at home, needs constant attention and bites if I am ignoring her if I am busy doing something else. Anyone got any ideas on managing this behaviour.......please!!!!

[TheBlonde]

Have you tried going to the playground so she can run off some steam?

[colditz]

Big field and a ball. Run her til she drops.

[compo]

I carried on going to the groups with my 2 year old and newborn. I find it incredibly stressful as the baby was always crying and I couldn't keep an eye on ds and had to ask friends to watch th baby so I could him to the toilet etc.
However I persevered and now dd is much more chilled and plays with the toys and ds gets loads out of it. I would grit your teeth and carry on going to a few things so that you still want to go later on iyswim

[snugglebumnappies]

theblonde and colditz, yes she is a real outdoors person and this sort of thing is ideal for her, I am just getting stressed as she will not do anything I say, so if we are out in the park and it's time to go she will just run off and I end up running after her with DS2 in my arms/sling. I guess I am feeling a bit down about it this morning as she has bitted DS2 for the first time so I have bottled out of taking her to tumble tots as i really can't face the agro

[snugglebumnappies]

compo, it's good to hear it's not just me and that things do get better, thanks

[princessbride]

i have two year old twins and somedays (most days) i feel like are they just being this annoying on purpose, its like oneday they woke up and decided to just be incredibly headstrong, they are so self willed and determined, and on one hand one doesnt want to crush this new independance but on the other hand i need to preserve my sanity and not fight with them everyday....i'm hoping this phase will pass ( i pray)

[rattleskuttle]

my dd was 2 when ds was born and we had terrible problems with her behaviour, which i think was down to jealousy.

i stopped taking the two of them out without help because she would run into traffic/ do anything dangerous. i re-arranged the day so i could go out without dd when dh was home.

i sent her to nursery twice a week so i could concentrate on the baby

we pressganged friends and relatives into taking her out etc as we needed a break from the challenging behaviour

got advice from the health visitor - she made me feel better about it and said we had to show dd that the baby should have one to one time with us too.

most of all - i accepted that it was normal for her to feel like this and only punished her when she did something dangerous or hurt the baby. running around at groups, i would just ignore.

now , baby is 9 months old and dd is back to her normal self - generally well behaved and very good with the baby. hth

[snugglebumnappies]

princess, that is exactlly how I feel at the moment, thank you

rattleskuttle, thank you for the advice, I had been thinking about nursery but felt I bit like I was shoving her off there rather than dealing with it myself, even though I know she would actually enjoy some time away from me playing with other children. I think the thing that has thrown me is that she was very happy with DS2 when he came along and her behaviour has just started to ezcalate to unacceptable over the last month, I guess I thought I had got away with it

[cylonbabe]

take the child out of the sling. and put him in either the car seat, or the pushchair. sit with you r dd on your knee during quietsong time, and leave ds safe in his car seat wher you can see him, but away from the singing.
sibling jealousy needs to nipped in the bud. she is only two, andits not her fault that mummy is busy with a new sibling.

[cylonbabe]

yes, but over the last month is when your baby started being more interactive, and vocal in his demands etc. a newborn doesnt scream as loud for example.

[auntymandy]

where do you live? she can come and wreck my hoise while I cuddle your baby and you have a cup of tea...I could even rustle up a chocolate cake if you like!

[snugglebumnappies]

cylonbabe, sorry I know it sounds like I am being really negative but DS2 just screams in his cars seat or pram, even in the car or going out for a walk, which is why I have resorted to a sling. At home it does mean I can interact with her a bit more as it is easier to move round with her, but when everyone else is sat down for circle time it's just not working.

auntymandy, thats very kind, we are in greater manchester.....bet you are the other side f the country

[auntymandy]

leeds!!

[TheBlonde]

Do you know any other mums with a similar gap?

Meeting for coffee so the older ones can play together might help provide some entertainment

[snugglebumnappies]

theblonde, thats a great idea thanks, I do have one friend who has children of a similar age who I have lost touch with over the past year, I will make an effort to get back in touch and meet up with her

[cylonbabe]

i have an 18 month gap between my younger two. so i do understand what you are going through. but the thing is, in all this , you are the adult, and you have to manage the behaviour of the kids. it's comiing out quite patronising this, but i went to a parenting skills class to help me deal withthis sort of thing, as i was at my wits end.

basically, as long as the little one is safe, fed, clean, then it wont hurt her to scream. she cant have your attention 100% of th e time. the two year old needs your attention. an older child can be made to understand, or at least act as if they undersatnd, but at two, they have absolutely no control over themselves, and will lash out and be destructive when they dont get what they need.
can you get someone else to take her to the playgroup? or get someone else to watch the baby?

[BirdyArms]

I have 2 ds's exactly the same ages as your two and am also finding it challenging. Agree with what the blonde said re finding friends with a similar gap. I am very lucky that 3 friends have simlar ages and I try to go to the park etc with them as much as possible - really makes the day go quickly if we have something like that planned. We all watch out for each others children, whoever is baby-free runs after the toddlers and we have lunch in the park cafe which none of us could do on our own. Is there anyone else with a baby at your toddler groups - I'm sure they's jump at the offer of an outing together.

[TheBlonde]

I find I have to leave the baby to cry sometimes, I don't always interrupt what I am doing with DS to rush to the baby
(depends if you can bear the crying though)

[snugglebumnappies]

cyclonbabe, you are right I do need to take control . I find it really hard to engage DD in any activity, I do try and get down on her level and try to make eye contact but she just tends to look away and carry on with what she is doing. I bought some great "play idea cards" from ELC hoping these would help give me some structure with play ideas for her but I just can't seem to get her interested. Any ideas?

psychobable, I am north manchester, whereabouts are you?

thank you everyone for letting me know how hard you are all finding it, makes me feel much less of a crap mother There are 10 years between DS1 and DD so when she was born I threw my all into taking her out to different groups and activities and now feel like I am neglecting DD and DS2 by not having enough time or coping skills to entertain both of them.

[cylonbabe]

snuggle, the next six to nine months or so will be hard work. very hard work, but after that, the brilliant thing will be that they will be ablet o entertain each other. which is why it is soooo important to try and ensure the toddler doesnt get jealous of the little one.
not to forget the 12 year old.
does the baby have any problems? is she in pain? or is it just her personality that she demands 110% attention? if this is the case, then you have to train yourself to ignore her. for your sake, and the sake of the kids. as a third child, the baby can not have the attention of the entire household all the time, and it is something the baby will learn, providing you allow him to.
so ditch the sling. leave the baby in the cot, car seat, bouncer, and just sit with the toddler, you dont have to be doing anything, as long as you are just there, that may be enough. and the baby will learn to entertain himself.
sounds hard, but it works ime

[snugglebumnappies]

cyclon, no real prob why DS2 needs so much attention (DD was exactly the same). He does seem quite "refluxy" so the sling helps with that. I have spent the past 10 years as a midwife happily pacifying babies by rocking and walking them, shushing and patting that it's just a habit of mine, do find it bery difficult to leave a crying baby, just makes me so

Psychobable, had to gogle "funpod" I think I may have given DD a little bit too much reedom and if she doesn't behave whist doing things like painting (she loves painting but does tend to run off and smear paint all over the place) then going back in her highchair may be the way forward. Oh and I love the babylegs too

[uberalice]

snuggle, Can you arrange for someone to look after ds2 for a few hours so you can go out and do something nice with dd? A few weeks ago I left ds with mil for a morning and I went into town with ds1. We had a really lovely time, just the way it used to be before his brother arrived. I let him choose where to go and where to have lunch, and I didn't get impatient when he kept changing his mind. I didn't try to do any shopping or go to places he'd find boring - it was his special time with mummy. His behaviour has been much better since then, and I can't wait for the opportunity to do it again. Hope things improve for you soon.