violent 10 year old - HELP!!

[slinkstar]

my 10 year old ds is becoming more and more violent towards his sister who is 7, my dd in the past week has been shook so violently she has screamed with terror, she has been pushed into a stairgate and hit her neck, she has been punched 3 times in the middle of her back, she has also been pinched- leaving a mark. these are only the serious things there are many other times when ds threatens to hit or just gets in her face. now she is not perfect and often teases him, which i try my best to stop. He also swears at her and me when he's angry and threatens to kill her or kill himself!
i tried to get him councilling but pulled out at the last minute because the dr demanded to contact his dad and if that happens his father would use anything to try and get residence and also would definatly lie to the drs and then we would end up riddled with ss and mental drs and a court battle for years when all i want is to help my son deal with his anger. what can i do? where have i gone wrong?

please someone help

[Wotz]

I am really sorry to hear this, my dds are off a similar age amd my 10 year old has hormones running all over the place at the moment. No words of wisdom I am afraid, however I do suggest this book (maybe ask at library, or buy).

The heading is far worse than the book sounds.
'The Manipulative Child': How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids.

see amazone it is very useful.

I hope you find some good advice soon.

[TooTicky]

Oh poor you
My ds1 (8) is a bit like this toward dd1 (10) and ds2 (5). The anger, the threatening to kill himself (although rarely), the swearing - all so familiar. How is he when he is not angry?
Somebody on MN mentioned recently that some schools do anger management classes - I wish more did as it's such a sensible idea.
Sorry I'm not actually helping.

[BrothelSprouts]

How do you punish the physical aggression from your DS, and the teasing from your DD?

[slinkstar]

he's actually wonderful when he's not angry, he's loving and chatty etc

i think i will get that book, something must help, im going on holiday soon and actually not as excited as i should be because of this.

As far as punishment goes i scream to stop the event and then seperate them and then take ds's playstation for a number of days, and i don't take anything from dd but i do tell her off for the teasing, i tell them both that violence is always wrong and if you get angry with dd to tell me about it before you hit out. this approach has not worked though.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Hi Slink,
sounds to me like sibling rivalry. You say DD teases him and he then retaliates....gaining DS the withdrawal of his playstation....and DD gets told not to tease. This will make DS even angrier in turn the next time DD teases, DS remembers how "unfair" the last punishment was and tries to find his own justice. I personally would try not to take the playstation from DS away but to teach DD not to tease I would take her most precious toy away. Just to show her what her teasing will lead to.

Before you worry about counselling, just an idea try to find an activity DS is really interested in, get someone to look after DD and YOU join in with DS and his activity...even if it is something you think you will hate...you never know it could be fun for you too.

I hope i haven't said anything out of line but it does seem to me that a lot of this is to do with one getting a less punishment than the other.

[mumblechum]

If you do go for counselling, just say you don't want your dh involved. As you're separated anyway, the GPs surgery wouldn't know his address and certainly couldn't contact him without your consent.

[Hopeitwontbebig]

slinkstar, I feel for you, I really do. Your situation almost mirrors my own.

My DS1 (10) has violent periods, then calm periods, no pattern.

The thing that I really struggle with is my feelings towards him when he's like this. After years and years of this behaviour it becomes overwhelmingly grinding, to the point that I almost feel emotionally switched off. Horrible feeling.

Like yourself, you dish out the punishment to fit the crime, hitting is worse than teasing, therefore, the hitter should receive the harsher punishment. I think other posters are probably right that we should maybe work more on the 'teasers', my DS2 (8) is the teaser, albeit mild, but he is SUCH a good boy, and he is heart broken when he is told off, I just couldn't face punishing him, if he's ended up punched or pushed as a result of the 10 yr olds anger. What I normally do, is take DS2 to one side afterwards and explain that DS1 has difficulty controlling his anger, and that the violent incident was a result of his teasing etc.

I'm still working on it.

Sorry if my post has gone on a bit. I would add that I sought help for DS1 a few years ago, and they've said he is somewhat of a conundrum, but they think he might have mild aspergers syndome. He's fortunate that his school provide anger management lessons. Is this something you could maybe ask your school about?

[slinkstar]

thankyou for all advice i think your right, i will start punishing dd for teasing more, its difficult because she is usually screaming and has bruises etc from the incident before, but i will try to make her responsible for her teasing too.
it does sound like im really not alone though which is great to hear. i will hold off on councilling for the moment.
Thats great that the school offers anger management, i don't think our school does but i may talk to the head and see if it's something they might do in the future as i think its a great idea to do that in schools.

[fizzbuzz]

My school do anger management, but they are a secondary. However they may be available in primary school as well.