Problems with ODD/ADHD son and future step dad - PLEASE HELP!

[sapphire]

I could probably have posted this in half a dozen topics but as this is maybe the busiest one I'm here in a desperate plea for helpful advice! I?ll probably post elsewhere as well ? apologies in advance for the repetition.

I'll try and keep this short but there?s a lot to it...

I have two kids, DD age 10 and DS is seven in the autumn. DS has always been difficult, he was thought to be borderline ADHD when he was three and things haven't really changed. he's a real Jekyll and Hyde personality - he's normally a lovely sweet funny affectionate helpful boy, but when he loses his temper he gets incredibly angry and aggressive and violent and uncontrollable. While his behaviour at home i generally good, he has just been excluded from school and will likely spend at least a term at a special unit. We're going to see a paediatrician in a few weeks but it looks like his behaviour is somewhere on the Oppositional Defiant Disorder scale.

A bit of background info - the kids' father is a psychopathic control freak, I was with him for nine years, two of which were physically violent, the rest he didn't need to hit me to control me. Left with the kids three years ago and the ex has had three years of anger management and various counselling sessions, he's improved but still has a nasty temper. DS is very much like his father :0(

Anyway, i met a wonderful man, a single father, last spring and we've been going out ever since and got engaged this year, we hope to move in together and marry next summer. DD loves my H2B, DS took longer to get used to the situation but gradually got quite close to H2B. However, the last three occasions we have all spent quality time together, DS has totally ruined the day by having violent uncontrollable temper tantrums and he now says he hates H2B.

In the meantime, I was planning on moving in with H2B at Xmas, solely to help DS - there is a very good tiny village school which everyone believes will be the right place for him, so it would be in DS's best interests if we move there sooner rather than later.

I really don't know what to do now. I'm determined that DS is not going to come between me and H2B - after all he is the child and I make the decisions - but at the same time, his behaviour recently when H2B is around has brought us very close to splitting up. I've told DS he can either accept H2B and the situation or choose to live with his father, (probably not the right thing to do) but he seems to think he can keep living in this house on his own.

H2B is scared and worried, he doesn't know how to react when DS blows up, but then neither do I :0(

What do I do? This situation is getting really stressful now, I just want a happy life together!

[Jimjams]

What have you tried to do to have "quality time" together? My son is autistic and really cannot cope with days out etc. We do them, but we never expect to have a good day, or even a decent day. We used to but would come home miserable. Now we're pleasantly surprised if anything isn't a total and utter disaster.

If he has ADHD then crowds, restaurants etc may simply be too much for him.

I've found that although ds1 is only a 5 year old child a lot of things have to be done on his terms otherwise everything is a total disaster and everyone is miserable.

Are you getting any help/advice on behaviour management. Is there some sort of course/group you and h2b could go to together? I think its important that you both have strategies to deal with your son, and that your h2b understands some of the issues behind his behaviour problems.

[mummytosteven]

do you have any family members/friends that get on well with DS that could look after him to make sure you and H2B get a chance to have some time on your own. agree with Jimjams that it may make life easier if you plan outings out so as to try and avoid triggering DS

[sapphire]

JimJams, sorry to hear you have problems too but it's reassuring to hear we're not the only ones!

The last three times we've had problems were:

1. A trip to the cinema to see Shrek 2 - he was fine during the film but afterwards we decided to go to KFC, DS wouldn't come in the restaurant and claimed he didn't like KFC. I had to chase him round a busy car park and when I eventually caught him he screamed blue murder, kicked me etc. Eventually (after about half an hour) he calmed down and came in and ate and enjoyed his food. Grrrr! During all this, H2B sat in KFC with his DD and my DD, looking bewildered.
   2 and 3 - trips to the park, once just me, H2B. DS and DD, once with a couple of other families. DS just lost it several times (over being out in cricket, normally) and had a violent tantrum.
   
   |No such thing as a quiet life, i guess!

[Jimjams]

Hmm exactly the sort of thing my son would do. The last trip we tok was to a pony farm. it was hot and a bit busy. he wouldn't look at the horses *ds2 loved them) but found a washing line to look at which calmed him a bit. We saw the trip as a success as he walked on some straw for 2 seconds and spent about 10 minutes in a soft play area. Most of the time he ran around madly. We just split up - and swapped over kids half way through. You may have to change your expectations. A couple of years ago every trip out resulted in a return car ride with me sobbing in the front seat and dh staring grimly ahead.

IN the end we decided we would give trips out a go but would be happy to bail out whenever we had to. Lots of trips are very short. If we want to take ds2 somewhere special we take him alone.

It sounds to me like he was overloaded and there isn't much you can do about that- he won't be able to control himself if he gets sensory overload so that sort of thing has to be on his terms. That's why I think its important that your h2b learns something about the condition- its much easier to deal with if you understand why they extremes of behaviour happen.

[Davros]

It sounds a bit like he has problems with transition, e.g. from cinema to KFC, and choose to express this as asserting himself. Do you give him lots of reminders about what you're going to do next and choices sometimes? Agree that you would benefit from some help with behaviour management as chasing him round the car park is not good but no doubt there was no other option at the time. He may also have some deep rooted feeligs about his dad so maybe some sort of counselling would help him but not too much mumbo jumbo! Can you talk to your GP? I agree with Jimjams that you might have to adjust your expectations of family outings, he might find the whole thing too stimulating. We too always go to things on the basis that we will leave if there are problmes we can't deal with but without our DS being "to blame".

[WedgiesMum]

Only just caught up with this as have been away. Can I recommend a book to you it's called 'The Explosive Child' by Ross W Greene. I have found it useful and recommended it on here to others. It's available on Amazon. It's about children who have a low frustration tolerance and explode easily and who find transition from their agenda to yours difficult. A lot of these children also have other issues going on (like ADHD or ODD) too. Think you might find it helpful, and think that H2B might find it specially helpful.

WMxx

[sapphire]

WedgiesMum, thanks for the recommendation - I've got a couple of books (You Can't make Me and The Defiant Child) and they both mention that one, I'll certainly have a look for it.

DS has had some counselling at school but he has a very active imagination and has made accusations about his father that have been proved to be entirely made up, but not before social services and the police were involved :0(

I think we just need to lower our expectations, not expect anything too soon and take each day as it comes. I've forwarded this post to H2B so he can see we're not alone!

Thanks for the support :0)

[lars]

Sapphire i've just caught up with mumsnet and read your thread. Really understand the kind of pressure your under and how it affects the whole family. Just found out that my ds has O.D.D.
The exclusion from school sounds all too familar.
DS is going to have relaxation classes, don't know if it will help but anything is worth a try.
It does sound like more help should be offered to your ds and your GP should help with this. I hope this helps you to know your not alone. larsxx