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Behaviour/development

Feeling hurt .....

12 replies

Ghosty · 21/07/2004 10:40

I am still feeling a bit hurt and sad about DS this evening.
Today he was picked up by a friend's mum after Kindy and taken back to their house for lunch and a couple of hours play. We have a bit of a reciprocal thing going on, one day a week I have her DS and one day she has mine.
At 4 o'clock DH went to pick him up. They came back 15 minutes later and DS was in a foul mood. He came in and said that he didn't want to be picked up, didn't want to come home, wanted to stay at his friend's house forever, it was much more fun there and that he hated us, his sister and our house
I know he is only 4 and I know he is testing me all the way but I was really upset and hurt by what he had said.
I tried to ignore what he said at the time and stayed all smiley and asked him about his day but he sat on the sofa looking really fed up and pissed off. After about 10 minutes he asked really rudely where his dinner was and so I lost it and told him that there wasn't any and wasn't going to be any if he came home from people's houses with a face like that.
This then turned into a big crying session with DS and me sitting on the kitchen floor cuddling eachother and him telling me "But I love you mummy, please can I have my dinner?" .... So I felt really rotten for that

I feel like I am failing him somehow and I don't know what to do ... does he really hate being at home so much? What can I do? What would you have done in such a situation ....

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NomDePlume · 21/07/2004 10:57

, no advice I'm afraid but sending huge hugs across the miles...

I'm sure you are 100% right about it being DS asserting himself and testing the boundaries, but it doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with at the time.

I'm sure someone will come along with fantastic advice soon.

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bundle · 21/07/2004 11:01

god, they really push those boundaries,don't they? lots of love, it's a tricky one and I'm sure I wouldn't have done things any differently. I think it's good for them to see you can be upset too

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Twiglett · 21/07/2004 11:04

message withdrawn

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Ghosty · 21/07/2004 11:06

Thanks Bundle and NDP ...
It must be dull and boring at home for him, with me and a 5 month old baby but what else can I do for him? He goes to Kindy every morning, has swimming one afternoon and soccer another, has his friend round one day and he goes there on a Wednesday ... so really he has a pretty full on life and when we are at home I really try to do stuff with him - the other day I sat on the living room floor for 2 and a half hours doing sodding lego!
Hate lego .... hate it, hate it, hate it ... aaaarrrgggghhhh!

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Ghosty · 21/07/2004 11:09

Crossed post Twiglett ...
Thanks for your sensible words ... you are right ... I know it.

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Piffleoffagus · 21/07/2004 11:12

You might also find he is copying the other boys's way of speaking to his mummy too, they do get very self important at that age, you probably did the right thing, you brought it to a head quickly, if not stress free...
Do not take it too hard, we all have those moments when hindsight is wonderful... it is good that he has such a good and fun friend to be close too...
big hugs

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Ghosty · 22/07/2004 02:15

Update: This morning DS came into bed with me for a cuddle when he woke up and he said he was feeling sad. When I asked him what about he said he was feeling sad about leaving the tap on in the 'little toilet' a few weeks ago (he got into big big trouble - soaking carpet and all). I told him it was all in the past and he needn't feel sad about it all and we weren't cross with him anymore about it.
I then told him that I was feeling sad. And he asked me why so I told him about how my feelings were hurt when he came home yesterday and told me that he didn't like us and didn't want to be at home.
He stroked my face and said, "Mummy, don't feel sad about that, it was just that I was having so much fun at x's house and I just didn't want it to stop. I love you."
Bless his cotton socks ...
Anyone got a tissue? ... sniff sniff!

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nightowl · 22/07/2004 02:53

aw.... dont worry. my ds couldnt stand me when he was about one...all the cuddles dissapeared and he blanked me completely. it soon passed. now hes nearly 7 and he constantly complains if he cant play with his friend. "but what can i DO...im BORED" they love us really!!

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Wallace · 22/07/2004 20:39

Have you read "How to Tlk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk". I think the advice they would give is to accept the feeling that your ds has. eg maybe "I can see you were having so much fun at xxx's house, and you seem reallly disappointed that you had to come home."

It is great advice, but hard to follow sometimes.

Your ds sounds so sweet and loving

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nutcracker · 22/07/2004 20:44

My 4 yr old Dd did exactly the same thing the other week.
She went to a friends house for tea for the first time on the spur of the momment.
When i went to pick her up she ran back into the house and refused to come out. I had to drag her away, and she was shouting "i hate you, i want to live with *** and her mommy, she's nice".

She carried on for about an hour, and said she was going upstairs to pack.

Another hour later she had forgotten all about it. I was a bit upset, but also realise that when i was little i always thought my friends mom was better than mine.

Please don't take it to heart Ghosty, he doesn't really mean it.

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Ghosty · 25/07/2004 02:36

Aww nutty ... so glad I am not alone!!
I have got that book Wallace .... it is great isn't it?
We had a classic example yesterday when DS said he didn't want to go to his soccer match as he was scared. DH said, "Don't be silly, you're not scared, how can you be scared?" (Whack whack oops on DH's part as according to this book you shouldn't belittle their feelings .......)
So I came in with, "Maybe you are nervous." DS didn't know what that meant so we all had a talk about what nervous means (funny feelings in your tummy etc) and that I feel nervous when I have to go and give my talks and Daddy sometimes feels nervous when he plays cricket .....
DS nodded his head and said, "That's what I feel mummy, nervous!" And off he went, happy as larry and played his soccer match ......

I really do think that putting their feelings into words is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever had .... works with DS anyway ...
Wish I had remembered that before I stooped to his level and said he couldn't have dinner!

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Wallace · 25/07/2004 21:27

My ds told me today he wished I was dead I just ignored him though

It is a great book isn't it? I think I need to read it again though...I'm sure if I read it enough it will get easier and easier to put into practice.
It does seem to work much better than time-outs, etc, far less confronation, and also the kids really feel that they are important, and their feelings matter.

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