15 month old bad behaviour

[larlylou]

Help, my 15 month ds is being classed as a bully!

Recently at nursery I have had reports from his care worker to say that he has been having lots of time-out as he has started head butting other children if he can't get the toys off them. He has also kicked his care worker when she told him 'no' to something he was doing wrong.

Is this normal for a child this age? Or, is there an underlying problem that I seem to be missing? I am worried he is going to become a bully and not socialise with other children as well and I'm not sure how I should be dealing with it. He is a sweet natured boy generally and (apart from one occasion this week where he threw and broke the cat bowl for some attention -although he gets enough attention being our 1st) he hasn't shown any other signs of 'naughtiness' and is usually a happy little chap who plays quite contentedly on own and with other friends children. Any suggestions or advice would be hugely welcome.

[jimmychoos]

Sounds like normal 15 month old frustration to me. I don't think children of 15 months can be labelled as bullies. What does the nursery say about these incidents? Are they concerned?

[larlylou]

I don't think they appeared too concerned but something that they are going to keep an eye on for sure. I don't want it getting out of hand and I certainly don't want him to be thought of as a bully (I hate it when people call toddlers that too as they have no idea of the meaning of the word - my friend has an angelic little girl and because my ds is very busy and always on the go and into things she has labelled him as a bully since he was about 10 months old...so frustrating and I suppose I should be grown up about it to actually respond back to her but I'm too much of a chicken and don't want to cause any friction). I am just going to keep an eye on him and try to veer him in the right direction and follow what the nursery are trying to encroach and move him from situations if he is becoming a bit too rough. Thanks for your response jimmychoos.

[jimmychoos]

I think you're right - there needs to be consistency at nursery and home re: how you deal with the incidents. If he's removed from the situation he'll soon learn to behave in a more acceptable way when he wants something. As he gets better at expressing himself verbally he will be less likely to pile in physically!

[strangerthanfiction]

It's absurd to label a 15 month old. My dd's been labelled as 'serious and moody' since she was about 4 months old by a couple of my friends and it really really bugs me. She's 21 months now and ok, she is fairly serious (i.e. not giggle and a smile-a-minute) but not worth a 'label.'

Do you think your Ds is getting enough attention at nursery? Might he be doing this because he's not been engaged enough by staff there? Just a thought as you say he's only like this when he's there.

[oiseau]

Hi larylou - I have been getting concerned about my 15 month old ds recently, as well as he has been displaying quite aggressive behaviour.

He just seems to have days where he goes a bit "wild" - this usually means lots of shrieking, and trying to bite me if I stop him from doing something. On other days he is good as gold and really happy and relaxed. I have a suspicion the "wildness" coincides with teeth pain and/or developmental progress.

Like you, I have friends with little girls who sit quitely on the floor doing jigsaws and things who imply that he is hyperactive which I really resent!

I shall be watching with interest as to what advice you get as I am not sure what to do other than just be consistent with him about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour - how much of this he understands I am not sure!

[larlylou]

It's all the fun of having a toddler eh! I will certainly ensure that consistency runs throughout and hopefully he will catch on to it sooner rather than later. If it's attention seeking then how do they ever cope if/when a second child comes along...I suppose we'll just have to wait for that time to to come around!

[larlylou]

Thanks for responding strangerthanfiction.

I do think he has a good amount of attention at nursery. It is a small, personal nursery and he is still in the 'baby room'. They have had some new additions to the room but he is still with his best buddies/side kicks and they do some great activities with them. I think, like oiseau has said, he too sounds as though he was having a wild day, he was overtired and he is currently teething (although he hasn't displayed such aggressive behaviour before through teething). I am hoping that after some catch up sleep he will be a little angel again (he only attends nursery 2 days a week and is with my Mother one day who will undoubtely give him her undivided attention for that full day).

I so begrudge the labelling though and find it one of the most frustrating things that I have had to deal with. I want to stick up for my ds and tell the parent that it is wrong but I hate conflicts and quite often keep shut about it but it niggles away inside of me and one day, unfortunately to one of my best friends who is the worst culprit for it, I'm gonna explode! She hardly knows him and sees him in a play situation where he is excited and stimulated yet she takes it upon herself to warn her friends of him before they bring their child over to play with him (and no he hasn't done anything to them, in actual fact it was my friends daughter who walked over to him and pushed him over .

I think oiseau, like jimmychoo says, consistency is definitely one of the best things to do. I think that if (or when I should say) a situation arises again with ds I will be firm and speak and a stronger tone so he recognises that I am cross with him and remove him away from the situation or, like when he smashed the cat bowl, made him go and sit on the sofa while I cleared up (and he did amazingly). I think they are testing us to see how far they can push it so if you stay strong and don't let them walk all over you then maybe they will learn that it isn't all 'their way'. Good luck anyhow.

[Chandra]

It maybe that the terrible twos are kicking in?

However if he displays aggresivity at nursery and your friends are preventing each other when he is around probably it would be good to put your self in othermum's shoes to see what can be bothering them. It is easy to asume that everybody will find our DS behaviour as nice as we do but sadly we can be blinded with love some times... (I only have one son BTW, same age as yours).

Have you seen Super Nanny this week? I have a friend whose girls act like the girl in the program all the time (lots of whingeing, screaming and trashing every single house they are in, the only diference is that they are 7 and 8 yrs old instead of 4). I have banned them from the house, as it's not only expensive to have them around but also a bit dangerous, so do many of our friends but my friend keeps thinking that kids will be kids and they are just full of life and doesn't seem to realise how bad the behaviour is. I'm not saying that you have that problem but FWIW I noticed that sometimes I overlook some DS's bad behaviours and it is not until later that I realise he was not funny to other people. Though it's difficult not to be partial when evaluating our own child's behaviour.

[shrub]

larlylou - there is a really good book called 'raising your spirited child' - its on amazon if interested. it basically gives you another positive vocabulary for your child so they 'don't become the label'. so for example if the nursery is calling your ds a bully, you can replace the label by saying he's very assertive. and remember this will be a very positive attribute in years to come. its a good thing when a little person knows their own mind. and it shows a very inarticulate person that doesn't have the language skills to recognise a bully is something completely different to what you are describing. you also say you hate conflicts - our children have the strangest sense of humour when it comes to compensating for our own fears. my dh and i are both very quiet, whereas my ds1 has this amazing deep booming voice you can hear for miles. we tried to channel this into a positive experience for him and took him to a music/singing group which he loved. it seems very sad that they are giving your 15 month old time outs. he's only trying to make sense of the world around him. i would take him to another nursery where they can demonstrate a real understanding of young children and nurture them. it really doesn't have to be like this for him. please don't worry about the socialising at this age, they tend to play along side each other until 2-3 years, most boys even longer. the music group i took my ds1 to was called 'musikgarten'. its a montessori based music group for 18months - 5 years, brilliant for gaining confidence, music skills, social skills, taking turns with the instuments etc. there may be one in your area.

[oiseau]

Just had a thought - do you think maybe still being in the "baby room" is a bit boring for him? Maybe he would be more stimulated and interested moving to the next room if that is an option?

Shrub - just been and ordered that book, hope it's good. My dh and I are both quite quiet people and really struggle with ds's volume level sometimes but are trying hard not to squash him IYSWIM.

Also Larylou - I think that's outrageous that your friend "warns" others! I think I would have to say something even if it was in a jokey way so that she knew you had registered it and hopefully would stop doing.

[shrub]

oiseau - yes book is brilliant, you have to ignore some of the americanisms. it helped me begin to turn things around. i really believe if a child hears they are 'shy', a 'bully', 'naughty' etc. then its a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. don't know if you saw 'i'm a celebrity' but in the words of rhona cameron: 'sometimes sometimes we're all like that!' i too would seriously question the friendship. i dropped my best friend because she had given my ds a label that was none too flattering behind my back - i was devastated. what we need is support. another good book is 'the indigo children' there is also a website. its take is that these children are very sensitive and intelligent and are trying to make sense of some of the madnesses of the world we live in. as my ds1 got older we got him to establish difference between an 'inside' and an 'outside' voice which has really helped.

[oiseau]

Absolutely agree on the self-fullfilling prophecy thing. My Mum has said right from when DS was a baby "children do what is expected of them" and she is so right. If I worry that DS will play up at this or that event then he will, if I don't even question that there may be a problem he is absolutely fine - weird but true!

Funny that you quoted Rhona - I really registered with that soliloquy!

[larlylou]

Thanks for the information regarding the book shrub, I will order it now.

I do try very hard to stand on the outside and look at my child's behaviour towards others and, regardless of the love I have for him, I don't think I am blinded by it. The problem is, he has been very active from such an early age (was pulling and standing himself up at 4 months, crawling at 6.5m and walking before 1st birthday) whereas my friends baby didn't really crawl and started walking at 1 (is 1 month older than my ds) and so while he was crawling around getting toys he would sometimes try crawling over her than around her and this upset my friend so I don't think he was doing anything wrong other than being a typical 'moving' baby. Other such times have been similar without him actually doing anything 'wrong'. At playgroup he has never shown an aggressive side to any other children (although will try and take a toy off occasionally). One mum who has a 2yr old called him a bully 3 times last week and he did absolutely nothing toward her child but walk up to the car her son was in...even another Mum said it was unfair to call him that he hadn't done anything wrong. If he takes a toy off a child I will make sure he gives it back, and he does, and he will quite often hand his toys to other children so has some caring/sharing aspects toward him. People's perceptions towards the word 'bully' is so wrong, especially toward children at such a young age...I would have thought, being parents themselves, they would understand the developmental stages toddlers go through and wouldn't 'label' them but they do and it horrifies me of the narrowmindedness (now look, you've got me really going on the subject, obviously penting a lot of anger inside and am now venting it - sorry!).

I think I need to stick up for myself now, especially towards my friend...what friend would do that, like you say shrub, we need to support each other in 'parenting' situations not be against one another.

I do believe that somewhere along the line everyone has trying moments with their child/ren, especially during the 'toddler years' and these times can be stressful times for parents - the last thing we need is friends making situations worse for us.

Shrub, the music group sounds like such a good idea. I shall be looking into finding out classes in my area. Thanks for the advice.

Thanks everyone for replying. I am feeling much better now and am not going to worry too much about this recent outburst but will put it down to the 'toddler period' kicking in and will just work at riding through it (and hope to god it doesn't deteriorate!).

It's reassuring to know that there is such great support on mumsnet - I know where to come now when I need a good moan (or a giggle!). Thanks