My name is Madame Platypus and I am the only mother in the world with a 3 year old who hits other children.

[MadamePlatypus]

Well thats how I feel. He can play really well with other children, and then suddenly from nowhere he hits. Actually it isn't always completely from nowhere - it could be because of a tussle over a toy, but sometimes I feel it is just to get a reaction from the other child. He hits his little sister too (although he can be lovely with her). The little sister hitting is very often related to him trying to get my attention e.g. during a nappy change, or it can be because they are both tired and she is crying.
Sometimes I feel that every interaction with another child is so fraught because I am so worried that he will hit or push them. He can spend a whole day with other 3 year olds without incident, but I just hate it so, so much when he hits another child. If this happens in a public place e.g. soft play I will usually take him home immediately. Maybe there are other 3 year olds who do this, but I can't say I've seen them and its quite lonely.

[colditz]

How's his speech?

Ds1 hit a LOT when he struggled to make himself understood, and even now, hitting is usually because of frustration rather than malice. Sometimes it is just naughty, but not usually.

[colditz]

Oh and most 3 year olds his other children sometimes especially (don't lynch me, I speak from my personal experiance only) boys.

[northerner]

I had a 3 yr old that would hit. Now I have a 4 yr old that hits

I guess that's now what you want to hear!

[northerner]

not what you want to hear

[clayre]

colditz my ds is 2 next month and has started hitting my dd (4) and i'm convinced its because he can't talk i think he's hitting her because she can talk to me and he can't, is it common for them to hit when frustrated?

[funnypeculiar]

God, there are going to be a lot of Madame Platypus's around on mn soon...
(I'm struglling to think of 3 y o's of my aquaitnace who I can truthfully say I've NEVER seen hit each other...)

[MadamePlatypus]

His thoughts are way ahead of his speech. He often starts a sentence and then has to stop half way through because he just can't get the words together. I think he also sometimes lacks the social skills to engage another child in play, and perhaps shoves them to get them to interact with him. The other thing is does (and I really am sure he is the only child to do this!) is hug other parents (not necessarily people he knows). I would say that this is because he doesn't understand that this is inappropriate, but he has never got a negative response and it always gets my attention, so perhaps from his pov it is appropriate.

[colditz]

It's not inappropriate to hug other people, Imho, not when you're three.

Imagine being french, and having no translator, and having to deal with 3 year old french children as their peer, and french adults, all of whom are your boss - but you only have schoolgirl french.

That's probably how frustrated he is all the time. No wonder it spills over into fisticuffs sometimes. I don't know many 3 year olds who don't hit, tbh, i think the ones that don't are the ones who never think about it - the ones who think about it will do it, because 3 year olds have little impulse control really.

[Jennylee]

mine used to do this at 3 , is normal

[MadamePlatypus]

Thanks for your support colditz. With the hugging, its a bit like being in those commercials they did against drugs a few years ago where everybody was hugging each other. He will chase somebody in the street to give them a hug. I am worried that he will target somebody with a bad hip...

[MadamePlatypus]

or Heather Mills...

[dmo]

i'm a childminder and the little boyn i lok after is 2 in april
he is a very good talker can count to 10 knows his colours
but hurts other children by hitting or sracting them
i at the end of my teather
at toddler groups its bad everybody shouts my name and think i have a problem child
the little girl i look after has been srached (while in the double buggy) and he also sits on her

mum wont have it and says he is not 2 yet dont know what to do

[kbaby]

I think some children are just hitters.

At DD's playgroup there are hitters, gentle quiet children and the sly children who steal toys when no one is looking, get hit by the other child and then the other child gets the telling off for hitting.

Unfortunetly I have a hitter which is mortifying but no amount of reasoning/naughty corner/going home has helped. She just hits out. She has an excellent vocab.

[jude555]

i was glad to see this as my 3yr old is pushing a lot and the childminder is worried about younger children, but nursery says its normal. I've done naughty step stuff and am strict about it, but feel it isnt having any effect (maybe making it worse?) he's been through phases before and come out of it, but the older he is the more unacceptable! will he grow out of it? hes a very good talker and generally compliant and pleasant, but very, very energetic! I feel anxious that I will always have the 'aggressive' child.

[frances5]

A lot of small children hit occassionally. I think that it is really hard when a child in childcare. Sometimes nurseries/ childminders/ other people can make a mountain out of a mole hill.

People forgot that three year olds are very young and still learning what is socially acceptable. Children do not get as much quiet time at home as they used to. Its hard being on your best behaviour all the time. Honestly your child's behaviour is not that unusual.

I suggest that you try focussing on your three year old when he is behaving well. I am sure that your son is not a demon. Three year olds love attention, even negative attention. Sometimes hitting another child is a good way of getting attention.

Prehaps if you made him your little helper while changing the nappy he would feel more involved. Let him help choose what clothes his little sister wears, let him pass you some cotton wool. Make him feel really important.

Most children outgrow hitting/ biting/ scratching by the time they start school.

[magicfarawaytree]

no i am spartacus.. dont most boys hit, destroy and melt hearts?

[sunnysideup]

Frances, I so agree. Sometimes kids are out in groups every day, or are in childcare every day mixing with other kids, and it can magnify this totally utterly normal behaviour into a problem, which it really isn't.....as you say kids simply can't behave all the time.

I went to one playgroup a week, and had about one play date a week (sometimes less!) when ds was pre-school age and that was a lovely, stress free amount of time for ds to be mixing with polite society! the rest of the time IMO needs to be spent either at home where society at large don't have to be witnesses to the general villainy that goes on, or out in the park exhausting them so that they don't have the energy to raise a hand in anger

Tis the group situation that's the problem, not your child of 3!

[jude555]

thanks for all the advice, going to try and be a lot more relaxed in the future!