biting

[Twinsmum]

I have twin boys aged 22 months who are absolutely lovely but who are both quite aggressive. They fight with each other a lot which I find very upsetting (lots of hair pulling, pushing, hitting etc). One of them has recently taken this one stage further and now seem to attack any child who gets in his way. This even includes biting. He takes absolutely no notice of anything we try to stop this. (Ignoring (very difficult), shouting, tapping his hand, time out etc etc etc.) They both go to nursery twice a week where they advocate time out. Any advice gratefully recieved. He's a wonderful little boy but he really is a handful.

[Paula1]

Hi Twinsmum, my son also used to be a 'biter'. He started at Nursery when he was about 16mths old, and it carried on for about a year. I used to hate going to the Nursery to collect him, it was just so embarassing. Everyone tried to give reasons for why he was doing it, first of all 'when he can talk he will stop' he didn't, he talked fluently really early and carried on biting. Eventually, I bit him back when he'd bitten me so hard I cried, and this actually stopped him biting me, but not other people. At Nursery they did the time out thing, which worked as he only used to do it like once a day, but didn't stop him completely, I tried telling how much it hurt, how upset it made people,star charts, withdrawing treats and everything you can think of and nothing worked. I guess this is not helping you very much, but he just stopped on his own, and has never done it since. He will stop, it does not go on forever, I know how awful it is for you when this is happening, just remember, your child is not the only one in the world (and probably one of several at the Nursery) who is doing this. Don't try searching for help on the Net, I did this and came across several US sites that had loads of messages from people whose children had been expelled from Nursery! I was so worried that I asked my Nursery if this was a possibility and they were shocked that I even thought it, they showed me their guidlines for dealing with biting, scratching etc... and they just advocate time out, with all the attention being on the bitee, not the biter so that he doesn't get any extra attention for being agressive. Long winded, I know. It WILL stop.

[Twinsmum]

Hi Paula1
Thanks for your message. It really is useful to hear about other children doing the same thing....and that they eventually stop! I also asked the nursery whether he might be expelled and they thought I was mad. At the moment I'm just trying to make a big fuss of him when he does something kind for his brother.

[Cos]

Twinsmum
Lovely to hear from you- I also have twins, 23 month old boy/girl. The girl went through phase of biting anyone in her way, especially siblings. we just reprimanded severely, and occasionally smacked her. She has now stopped so hopefully yours will grow out of it too.

[Kate71]

My 10 month old daughter has 3 teeth, she grabs peoples hands, puts them in her mouth and bites down as if they are a teething ring. Any suggestions? If you are not quick enough it really hurts, I need help before she bites other babies as play group she has already tried to bite my childminders daughter.

[Blueberry]

Holly, has someone been playing tiger with her? mine love rough stuff but needed help to show them how not to hurt (i.e. look at mum's lips covering her sharp teeth/ big growls but NO TEETH). We had to ban growly-eat-the-baby games for weeks at one stage. I suggest you look stern, put her down very sharply, refuse to play, and cajole everyone else to do the same. Meanwhile Nelson's Arnica Cream is a great help. Sympathies.

[Kate71]

Blueberry she does it as a sign of affection, it began as a gummy suck which I tried to stop but has now become painful with teeth.

[Blueberry]

with all poss respect and support, I know this approach worked when nothing else did, with 3 very different, adorable affectionate children in two different families. Tinies too little for reasoned argument do find being put down extremely boring and eventually the penny drops. You could have your fearless cuddles back, with just the lovely kisses, in a couple of weeks, I do hope you do. Best wishes.

[Bugsy]

Kate, our little boy started to do this too at about your daughters age and we constantly repeated the mantra "No biting (said very firmly), just kisses". We also practised kissing: making the noise etc - obviously at the appropriate moments when he was feeling very affectionate. He is now 18 months old and it is only in moments of extreme excitement that he forgets the difference and I find that the firm reminder "No biting" quickly cools him down to just hugs and kisses again.
It is definitely worth persevering with whatever method you find works best as there is nothing nicer than a hug and a kiss from your little one.

[Tom]

Dear all - I need some advice.
My little boy (14 months) is biting other kids at nursery - he's doing it alot - twice today, and pretty much at least once every day. He's not really talking or understanding alot of speech, so it's hard to talk to him about it, and the nursery staff say they've never seen this in anyone so young.
I'm wondering if kissing him all over his body (which both his mum and I do) is having an effect - teaching him it's OK to put your mouth over someone's body - perhaps we should stop that - I don't know. Anyway - the nursery staff are at a bit of a loss as to what to do. They've tried isolating him from the kids when he does it, they've moved him in with the over 2s, and apparently he's gone from knowing it was wrong (i.e. looking guilty) to just smiling happily when he does it now.
Anyone got any advice?

[Kmg]

Tom, I feel I should issue all sorts of disclaimers before writing this, and no doubt will be shot down, but here goes anyway....

A few years ago, a friend of mine had a problem with her son biting (slightly older than yours), and they tried all 'normal' and suggested approaches - separation, trying not to give him attention through it, etc. etc. But nothing worked and she was desperate. Anyway, she felt strongly that what he needed was something instant, and something in some way linked to the biting. (Some link to a philosopher, I think, but it's gone completely out of my head at the moment.) So she came up with the idea of giving him a small spoonfull of mustard when he bit someone ...! I know, it sounds dreadful doesn't it. But she decided intellectually that this would work for her son ... and it did. After embarking on this course of action, he bit two children, had two spoonfulls of mustard, and never bit again.

Good Luck! Do let us know what approaches you try, and what works for you.

[Joe]

Tom - I havnt got to this stage yet with my son, but I sort of look at it as testing their teeth and what they can do with them, maybe Im wrong. Have they tried maybe giving him an apple or something similar, telling him he has done something wrong and giving him this to bite into instead, sort of teaching him why he has teeth.

[Tom]

KMG - I LOVE your suggestion - it made me laugh out loud. It also makes alot of sense - the link between biting and a nasty taste in the mouth. It does also seem, on the surface, cruel, but I am more worried about the other children he is biting at the moment. We have tried all the sensible, normal advice (saying "NO" firmly, depriving him of attention, giving him time out in another room), but none of this works - so I spoke to the nursery staff today and told them about it, and gave them permission to do something similar (perhaps with a little bit of vinegar). We'll see if it works.

Joe - thanks for the suggestion, but Cole just isn't there mentally yet - it's too abstract for him - anyway - he regularly eats apples and pears, fish fingers and potato waffles etc, all using his teeth, so I'm sure he knows what they're for.

. o O (what kind of child have I got here???!!!!)

Thanks both

[Tigermoth]

Tom, our son was also an early biter. Like you we wondered if it was because he did not know the difference between biting and kissing - he got kissed by us a lot!

If telling him 'no' or distracting him didn't work, my husband used to very, very, gently bite him back to show him that biting was not fun. This seemed to work.

[Eulalia]

Tom - I doubt if the kissing is affecting him - otherwise he'd be kissing others. Small children don't socialise with others the same age till they are about 20 months. The biting is probably just aggression and his need for his own 'space'. Try suggesting that he sits with older children - age 3 and above if possible. I know that is difficult as in nurseries kids tend to be streamlined into age groups - not something I agree with personally ... Anyway I think that your boy feels threatened and just telling him to stop doing it or finding means to make it unpleasant for him doing it isn't solving the fundamental problem. Otherwise keeping him away from other kids and with a member of staff could work till he becomes more used to the other kids.

[Rhiannon]

Kmg, great idea, sadly 5 years too late for me!

[Chelle]

Our son was bitten several times at daycare and then, to out horror, started biting other children as well! He was about 14/15 months old at the time.

The child originally biting was new to the centre and, apparently, fairly stressed at being there and so was quite aggressive with the carers and other children. My son (and several others) were his hapless victims initially, but then I think they saw how much attention he got from biting and what a good reaction the bitee gave they all thoguth they'd have a go. It was a bit of a biting epedemic there for a few weeks! All of these children were 13 to 18 months old.

At the centre, they isolated the biter (put in opposite corner of the room) and gushed all over the bitee, giving them attention and all the cool toys. At home with out son, if he bit us we immeidately said "No biting" calmly but firmly, and carried to his room, put him down, said another "No biting" and shut the door. he has a sliding door and could very easily open it himself. When he came out, even if it was immediately, we were never angry with him, but if he bit again, same story.

Within a couple of days he had slowed right down to really only biting Mummy and Daddy when he was angry and frustrated and within 2 weeks he had stopped completely and has never bitten since, he is now 26 months.

The parents of the other biting offenders at the centre tried the same thing at home and all of the children had stopped biting within 2 weeks.

Personally, I think the biting them back thing is just showing them that it's OK to bite....if Mummy and Daddy can do it....?

[Pupuce]

Tom,

I hope you read this thread... DS (21 months old) is now biting and I am also not sure what to do next... I was hoping you could tell us what had work for you now ...
Today I have been told by staff that ds has bitten and scratched 2 children today... it isn't the first time but THEY are putting it down to
the fact that he has a new sister and that his favourite playmate has left his group (so he is
now the oldest in the 1-2 year olds).
However while I was putting his shoes on, the father of one of his "victims" complained to the staff that this was the fourth time that his son was bitten, this was not acceptable, he wanted to know which child it was (the staff told him it was against their policy to reveal that information.... that's also what they told us when we had asked who had bitten ds a few weeks ago) and wanted to know what staff were telling that child's parent - very clearly upset.... all along I was next to him, hearing his anger.
I then asked the staff whether DS was the one who had been biting that child all along... they think it was as he is currently the only one doing it !
I was very upset because DS is so easy and sweet the rest of the time. Hardly ever a bad temper at home.

[Tigermoth]

Pupace, what a worrying thing to overhear. It must have made you feel awful. Last week my 2 year old son was in a holiday creche along with several other similar aged boys. My son usually plays well with others but is an occasional biter and so was one of the other little boys, according to his mother. Luckily no biting occurred over the two weeks he was there.

My son is now back with his new childminder ( as from July) and I made a real point of telling her about his 'clean slate'. He has had a few biting incidents with her - one every week or two. The most serious occurred when she took him on an outing, along with another of her charges, her 2-year old grand daughter. The little girl's mother (my childminder's daughter) happened to be there, and witnessed my son giving the little girl an apparently unprovoked bite when strapped in the double buggy with her. I get the distinct impression words were said about the suitability of my son as her playmate - and my childminder was then reluctant to sign a contract, suggesting we 'just see how it goes'. We have said we'll do whatever we can to stop any future biting incidents. Currently, we find that telling him sternly that biting is bad and then putting him in his cot for some time out is getting the message home. He certainly knows he's been a naughty boy and gets no attention for a while.

We are now about to sign a contract with his childminder. Fingers crossed.

[Lil]

Pupuce, Tom, my toddler has been bitten a number of times and having spoken to the nursery about it, its clear that all good nurseries should have a consistent policy to deal with biting. The staff should be working with the child and the parent together and they should be praising the bitten and telling the biter that what they did was bad (but not that the child himself is bad). The biter is then ignored for a while. I guess it sounds simple, and assume its tried and tested by psychologists etc over the years.Hope for everyone's sakes it does!!!

Good luck.

[Tom]

Hi there
Cole has kind of grown out of the biting thing really, and he only every does it if he's in a fight (over a toy or something), but that's rare - perhaps once in the last month - he was also teething that day and a bit under the weather - I think he only does it when he's really lost his rag.

We worked with the nursery to come up with a consistent policy of removing him from the situation if he bit or looked like biting, saying a firm "NO" and putting him into a room on his own (which he could walk out of to rejoin us).

It is desperately worrying when it happens, particularly for the parents of the bitten child. I think the best thing to remember is that there are very few children who do this for a long tmie, particularly if it's nipped in the bud and not encouraged at all.

[Sweetie]

I'm getting a bit worried, having read this thread, about my 10 month old son. He has taken to biting my face - not hard, but he has very sharp teeth! I had assumed that he was trying to kiss me - he usually does it when in a cuddly mood, and the teeth seem to be a bit of an afterthought - lots of slobbering first! Should I be trying to stop him?

[Scummymummy]

Sweetie- I think that at 10 mths your son is a bit young to understand the implications of what he's doing so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think it's dead easy to read stuff like this and think "Arrghhh, I didn't know this was a problem but maybe it is/will be if I don't act." If you think your son's trying to kiss you and you enjoy it and it doesn't hurt then that's fine. If he is hurting you, try putting him down and saying "Ouch!" or something like that.

[Pupuce]

Lil,

That is what the nursery does... we will see if it works.

[Tigermoth]

Just wondered how everyone is doing. My son hasn't bitten anyone, to my knowledge, for 8 weeks or so. I don't know if this is purely down to our following the 'time out in cot' routine - my son may just be growing out of the biting phase - but this tactic definitely seemed to help us.

[Pupuce]

My son hasn't bitten either (in a month) at nursery but has playfully bitten (not hard) at home and was "warned"... I think he fully knows that he can't do it. At least he seems to have stopped doing it to hurt.