9 year old DS reduced me to tears tonight

[saltire]

I'm serious. 9 yr old Ds1 got back from cubs late tonight, he had been away a atrip. he was all chatty, telling me where they had been and what they had seen.
Then he got into bed, and he kicked off, over a hot water bottle. They got 1 each for Christmas, DS1 got the red one, DS2 got a blue 1. DS2 had the red 1 in bed and was fast asleep. DS1 went into meltdown, he threw the bottle across the room, it landed on his brothers bed. he was screeching loudly "I want the red one". I calmly explained to him that DS2 had the red one and was sleeping, it would be cool now, and the blue one was warmer. He wouldn't have it though, he was lying on his bed, screaming at me, and kicking his legs up and down. He woke DS2, i took him through to our room. Went back and tried explaining to DS1 again about why he had the blue one - it was warmer, it was only a hot water bottle, i know the red one was his, but i was trying to get his brother into bed and just gave him the first one i came across, etc etc.
I was in tears and didn't know how to handle it. in the end I admit I lost my temper and threw the bottle away and went and sat on the stairs.

This isn't normal behaviour for a 9 year old surely,even when he was having toddler tantrums he didn't go on like this. He has had a few " mini - meltdowns this week over really silly things, and has taken to bursting into tears and going to sit on the kitchen floor if he doesn't get his own way/someone annoys him.
I must be doing something wrong in the way i bring them up - i get told often enough it's my fault and I'm beginning to believe it now. he was such a happy little boy, always smiling, but just recently he seems so angry and miserable all the time, everything is a battle with him

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

aww sweet You poor thing.

I dont have any advice I am afraid, but pour yourself a glass of wine and try and relax a bit now.

[saltire]

I have had a glass of wine. i was still sitting on the stairs when DH came in, and i was shaking like a leaf.

[simplycontrolfreaky]

my ds1 (9) has times like this too..... usually when he's tired / hungry / both. they are a funny age..... definitely not babies, definitely not teens.... dont be so hard on yourself. all you can do is stay calm but firm. will he talk about his feelings when he's calm??? i do a lot of "you can be cross / angry / unhappy etc, but you cant speak to me like that etc...."

[charliecat]

If its any consolation, my 9 year old dd battered me in the hedd with a remote control about 2 weeks ago.
And she would have done the same over the red/blue bottle.
It was hers, and no amount of reasoning would tell her different. Dont stress, whos saying its all your fault?
However bad you are, and im not saying you are, but however bad you are theres someone whos 100 times worse!
Chin up!

[shebbo]

dont blame yourself please.
it can be a phase, or there can be something bothering him in his mind which you can find out talking with him.
dont worry please, of course you are a very good mum, otherwise you wouldnt bother about him.

[Soapbox]

Saltire - you only have to read through the threads on this site and read how many parents have 'lost it' with their DCs, shouted at them, lost their temper (or whatever words people use, to know that temper tantrums don't stop at 3yo.

Many, many adults are still having temper tantrums and melt downs we just use other words so that people don't have to connect them to the same loss of control as a 3yo has.

There could be a million reasons why he kicked off tonight - jealousy, tiredness, a problem at school etc etc etc.

I think what is worth holding onto, is that the loss of control is his and it is not personal to you. Find some time when things are calm and you can give him one on one time and sit down and go over the event with him to see whether you can work out how he was feeling and why he lost it.

9yo is still quite little really, but it is a time of great complexity the mid point between a baby and an adult and oh so confusing and hard to understand. You might guess that I also have a soon to be 9yo DC

[saltire]

simply, I did wonder if puberty was kicking in, but surely not at this age.

charliecat, My Mum tells me on almost daily basis that I neglect my children, I childmind so therefore am a bad mother, they are "really good" when they go to grannies house, so it must be me. then in the next breath she is telling me i let them get away with too much and I'm obviously compenstaing for working!

[saltire]

Thanks soapy

[DrMarthaMcMoo]

It is a funny age - my ds1 is 10 next week and he's so "in betweeny" at the moment. He can be really sweet and little boy-ish and he can also be sullen and snarly and very Kevin the Teenager. And he will cry at the drop of a hat - he did tonight when I told him off for snapping at his little brother.

I'm with scf - have a talk with him tomorrow when he's rested and calm. He'll probably be very apologetic and embarrassed. And yes - I do the "but it is not acceptable to speak to me like that" - I think that's something you have to make quite clear now, while he's still young enough.

Don't take it too much to heart though - whatever it was: tiredness, bad day at school, bad evening at cubs...he didn't mean it - he's just lashing out at the nearest convenient target: you, I'm afraid.

[Marscentio]

saltire...at the risk of insulting your mum.... she doesn't have a clue.

9-11 has never been my favourite age for my DC. 2 have gone through it (and I've survived) and I have 3 more to go.

He may have been tired, he may have just been bloodyminded. I know it's easy to say... but try not to take it personally.

FWIW... I don't think that you are a bad mother. The only thing you threw away was the bottle.

[AitchTwoOh]

och saltire, that sounds rubbish. someone posted something on here a while ago about dealing with these types of firestorm-y tantrums. i used to get them, they were as frightening for me as for anyone who saw them. give him a cuddle and agree that next time it starts you'll remind him to take deep breaths and talk quietly, so things don't get out of hand again. (they probably will, though, it's like an electrical storm in the head, and was always worse if i was tired or stressed.)

[saltire]

Mars, you're not insulting my mother, you are right, she doesn't have a clue. She never worked when we were children - she still doesn't. My dad was ill, but not ill enough (in my early childhood) that she needed to stay at home. She is of a generation that believed they should. She makes me feel like shit though.

[Marscentio]

Well the choice is yours salty.... are you or aren't you shit?

I'm guessing NOT! Therefore when she makes you feel that bad just remember how precious and how special you are. Just cos she's your mum doesn't make her right!

[AitchTwoOh]

PMSL marsy. YES, Salty. the choice is yours... shit or not? we need an answer NOW!

[carlsberg]

My dss are nearly 12 and 13. Ds2 was really tempremental from around the age of 9. He changed overnight and once kicked the glass oven door in a fit of temper and smashed it. He would just fly into a rage at the slightest thing. He is 12 next week and is very developed now for his age and I am sure it was his hormones. He is a lot better now, but ds1 13 is getting to be the same. He is developing later than ds2 and it seems like his hormones have kicked in.
It is hard and I do feel for you. I have sat and cried in despair sometimes as I don't always know the right way to deal with it.
You blame yourself but it is not your fault.
I actually went to the drs about ds2 and he said that ds was developing and having such a rush of hormones he couldn't emotionally cope with it.
Sometimes I have dreaded them coming home from school but it is getting better now. It really isn't your fault so don't think that.
They always eventually tell me they love me even if it takes a few days.

[simplycontrolfreaky]

are you feeling any better salty?

[AitchTwoOh]

by the way the reason i was laughing is that it's so Blindingly Obvious that you are not shit, sweetheart.

[Marscentio]

and in doing so you made me laugh as well aitch!

[saltire]

I know I'm not shit, I just get made to feel like it.

Ds is currently lying on the bathroom floor screaming, becasue he wants on the computer and I was on checking emails

"But I waaaannnntt ooonnn ittt nnnooowww"

[AitchTwoOh]

ur, and you are mning while your child is yelling? tut tut

[charliecat]

Coming back to this later, but from a differnt point of view your childminding is socialising your children.
Try NOT to see your mother on a daily basis if this is what you have to listen to

[citylover]

My ten year old is like this and it definitely got worse at about the age of 9. Any little thing will set him off, usually when he is tired. Sometimes he reduces me to tears because there is just no reasoning with him. I used to blame myself and Ex DH was very keen to blame me but as time has gone on I tend to think that some of it is his personality combined with age.

I do set boundaries and do not accept his behaviour. I try to remain calm but sometimes lose my temper as I think most of us do.

I have considered taking him to the GPs for ages.

If its any consolation, my mother often suggests that any behavioural problems are due to me working and 'palming them off on childminders/nursery' which I find very offensive. She does not have a clue! When he goes to stay there he behaves like an angel.

Good luck with it.

[Berries]

11yr old dd had complete meltdown at Christmas, in front of grandparents. Can't even remember what it was about now, it was so minor. She then banged & crashed up to her room, screamed loudly for 5 mins, waved arms & legs in the air & thumped pillow. Was full blown toddler tantrum.

She then refused to come downstairs as she was embarrased gps had seen her behave like a 2 yr old It was actually quite amusing (though I don't suppose my giggles helped) She's usually so well-behaved I'm not sure even she knew where that one came from. Suspect I'll have a few more before she gets the other side of puberty though (sigh)

[filthymindedvixen]

Saltire, just in case you need any further proof that your 9-yr-old is 'normal', my 9-year-old veers wildly between seeming so grown up it makes me scared as to where the time has gone and so babyish I sometimes wonder if he has a behavioural problem., Then I talk to my friends and realise they are all going through the same stuff with their 9-year-olds.
Mine is especially grim when he is especially tired. And I'm guessing after a trip away, your ds may hasve been very tired?


You'd think the time between terrible toddlers and terrible teens ought to be reasonably civilised, eh?

[AitchTwoOh]

saltire, seriously. ask him what it feels like in his head when he goes into a paddy. it's frightening, i've been there.