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Behaviour/development

Experienced mums of over 10's for advice please

22 replies

Piffleoffagus · 03/07/2004 17:27

I am experiencing some heart wrenching times with my very gorgeous and clever 10yr old son whom I adore.
He is very close to his bio father - think absent minded professor mad scientist, eclectic improvising musician type man, lovely guy.
I am living with dp for 4 yrs, he and ds are close but not affectionate, no need as ds has awesome relationship with his dad who he sees often.
Problem being we are picket fence, regular routine kind of a couple, ds's dad is not, nature is kind of winning in DS and it is driving dp and me mad, so my relationship with ds is in tatters, he hates himself, I hate him at times, I'm always bitching, telling him off.
Thing is he is an awesome kid, not a tearaway, he excels at school, he is wonderful, but we are not clicking anymore.
I have a 20 mth old dd as well who requires a lot of attention , not least due to a genetic condition which requires home physio etc...
I'll try not go on too much, what I want is some advice, by email or someone to talk to, not like a cousellor who will tell me how to parent... but someone like a surrogate best friend or older mum sort of thing. To let me know the peaks and troughs of bringing up pre teens and what I can offer him to get him through.. and me too..
I am asking exp to take ds for next school year, to live with him before going on to sec school with us... it is really hurting me inside, but I cannot see me making him feel better without breaking the negative cycle we have got into.
I really feel like a poor mother, and I know lately I have been... I canot seem to lift myself out of it with him... DP takes his lead from me so we are just in hell hole right now.
DS is writing songs and poetry and stuff about how he is a disgrace and should leave, that nobody loves him, I am trying to bolster him up but knowing that I've done it, makes me feel like I cannot know how to fix him again.
Can anyone identify at all?
Thanks in advance and sorry for such a depressing post.
xx J the kiwi piffle

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spacemonkey · 03/07/2004 17:30

sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time piffle

i have a 10 year old ds too (and a 13 year old dd) - situation very different to yours and i'm very far from being an expert! but can identify with your feelings

did your ds ask to go and live with his dad?

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Piffleoffagus · 03/07/2004 17:31

no I asked his dad if he would feel ok doing it next year... he is looking forward to it, he and I will discuss with ds this weekend, together, dp will go along with whatever we decide between us.

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spacemonkey · 03/07/2004 17:39

very difficult situation to handle without ds feeling rejected

I had a similar situation with my ds recently - we are moving to a different area and one option was that ds could stay with his father and continue at the same school. It was too big a decision to place on his shoulders, and he was very miserable about the whole thing. The decision has now been made that he will stay with me and his sister and go to a new school. He's still not happy about that, but I think he feels a lot better knowing that he isn't being "abandoned" if that makes sense.

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jampot · 03/07/2004 17:44

I have an 11 year old dd whom I love very much but only this weekend it occurred to me that she is becoming very selfish like her father. Only yesterday whilst we were all having dinner I asked if she would get a bottle of water out of the cupboard, after huffing she did then promptly went into the kitchen and poured herself a drink!!!! I really do feel as though I'm not clicking with her atm either.. I do know how you feel and it's horrid isn't it..

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Piffleoffagus · 03/07/2004 18:04

I think he will be ok with the reasoning, it is that I feel he will get more out of his dad than I can give him as things stand right now, it has been accepted that anytime his dad had proper accomodation (ie an unshared house) then if ds wanted to go he could, he has long expressed a wish to do it at some point.
We too are moving in the next few months and it would be a now or never scenario for them to spend a year together.

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spacemonkey · 03/07/2004 18:47

mm, I would be careful though piffle - just because he has said that "at some point" he would like to live with his father, it doesn't mean he feels OK about being told that that is what is going to happen IYKWIM? It might be that he wants to do that when it is his choice?

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Piffleoffagus · 03/07/2004 18:53

It is to be his choice, entirely, in a way I would be happier if he did choose to stay with us...
We will ask him what he feels happiest doing and he will know that at any point he can change his mind (within reason!)
I just think it's vicious circle that needs a break between us for the circle to be unbroken.
I would never ever tell him to leave, it's not like that, it's just that he appears unhappy here and I think he would be happier with his daddy for a little while.

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spacemonkey · 03/07/2004 19:05

sorry piffle, I didn't mean to imply you were telling him to leave

It's a huge decision to put on a 10 year old's shoulders though - my ds was getting quite traumatised and my feeling was that he perceived it as having to choose between his parents

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lisalisa · 03/07/2004 19:13

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sammac · 03/07/2004 19:14

Piffle, my dd is also 10, and goes through some wierd moods. I really think sometimes she can't help it ( altho'...........)It's an easy thing to say, but there's def. hormones at work in there too, which is only making things worse. At times I find myself really shouting at her over the silliest things ( like brushing her hair for school- she faffs about for 15 mins and ends up making me late) and getting really stressed out over it.

My ds is 2 1/2 and is also having some lovely moments. I think what I'm trying to say is I really do understand what you're going through right now.

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spacemonkey · 03/07/2004 19:17

lisalisa you put it so well

I have a feeling that the fact your relationship with ds is so difficult at the moment makes it the worst possible time to "send him away" (I know it's not like that, but a 10 year old cannot perceive things in an adult way no matter how intelligent they are)

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Piffleoffagus · 03/07/2004 22:46

I think I havw worded it wrong, we exist happily, it is small things that become a problem, basically he is fabulous, but I know inside he is torn between his bohemian side and his aspiring middle class side, this has transpired along with school issues as he is square peg in a round hole, our relationship is ok, we talk and hug and share feelings. It is something deeper that is ailing him, my fear is that I am not nurturing the part of him that will end up being his lifeforce, the part he inherited from his Dad and that grates against me and DP all day long...
I am no way sending him away, I am asking his Dad if he would be prepared if its the best thing for DS to have him to stay... We are still very close exp and I and support each other whole heartedly with our choices. We are quite unconventional in a lot of ways, it is not an ordinary situation, I prob worded it badly earlier as I was still quite upset at the realisation that I was maybe not the best parent for my son right now.
But I am going to try and fix it but he does have the choice...
Thanks everyone it has clarified a lot of things and forced me to ask myself what solution I am looking for and in who's interest it is...

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beetroot · 03/07/2004 23:22

This reply has been deleted

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polly28 · 04/07/2004 04:48

I have a 12 yrold dd .She is definately going through the teenage hormone angst and her behaviour is pretty selfish at times,I do lay down the law at times but also give her a wide berth at other times as she is going througha stage that is about peers at the moment.Kids at this age are trying to find themselves (corny sounding I know).They need a steady boring normal base to reflect back on and they boost their own egos and self esteem by defining themselves within their family and peers. .Your son may not be the same type of persn as you but that doesn't mean he won't benefit from staying with you.He may flourish being in an environment where he is seen as special/differnet than you and appreciated for that.
I know this sounds a bit heavy but I really feel that teens and preteens are going through an emotional minefield and need a rock to lean on.My dd has a21 month old brother and it is hard pleasing both at times.
sorry if this is a bit garbled .it's late

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Freckle · 04/07/2004 06:28

I have a friend whose 11yo was last year going through some very tough times. His home life was happy and school was going well,but he was constantly talking about wanting to commit suicide. His mum, needless to say, was frantic with worry. This year he is absolutely fine.

My 10yo is going through a very senstivie phase (he's pretty sensitive anyway), feels that no one loves him, all his classmates hate him and think he is ugly, etc. etc. I get a lot of scowling and unhappy faces, which tears me apart because basically he has a good life and I can't see why he is so unhappy.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that 10 seems to be an age where life becomes more of a challenge for children and they deal with it in different ways. Perhaps it's a hormone surge, particularly with boys.

I can understand what you say about feeling that you can't nurture his "inner soul" whereas his dad can because he is more like him. And it seems to be that you have made/are making an extremely brave decision to be parted from your son for a year. How would you feel if your son didn't want to return after the year? Are you sure living with his dad is the best remedy? Living with you might be the best preparation for life he has as he will always have his bohemian side, but he has to learn to live in a basically structured and "middle class" world. Living with his dad might bring out this aspect of him to the degree that he doesn't quite "fit in", IYSWIM. Not sure I'm taking sense here, but just following a few thoughts.

How close geographically to his dad are you now? And how close will you be once you move?

Good luck with the decision, but I think you are being harsh on yourself if you feel that issues between you are because you are a bad mother.

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Galaxy · 04/07/2004 13:20

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Piffleoffagus · 04/07/2004 18:33

After reading Freckle and alaxy's replies perhaps it is part of the peer rejection ds thinks he faces... he also gets called names like poof and soppy and teachers pet, know it all and dick head.
He is appraoching the stage now of wanting to chin someone, imagine if you will Cliff Richard taking a punch... not his style at all, nor do I want it to be.
I am so clouded by what is best for him, dp worries that if ds goes to live with his Dad that we will fragment the gap between our kids and Max, that will be unreversible when he comes back...
we are moving 250 miles away, exp would be in Faversham Kent and we will be in Lincoln...
Would have ds in the hols etc...
I do not think I can face living without him in the house, we have decided to let up on him with chores and stuff, in order to make life at home a little lighter and happier.
I have def changed since having dd, toward ds, he must know it too, it's hard balancing everything and everyones feelings at times...
Thanks Galaxy, would be great to catch up Thursday
xx

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Freckle · 04/07/2004 19:18

I think that academic children find it hard to find their "slot" at school, particularly boys. It isn't viewed as cool to be clever, whereas if you are good at sports, football in particular, you are viewed almost as a god. DS1 is clever (although not a genius) and, although reasonable at sports, it is not his forte and he doesn't always perform well. One example, last Friday was sports day. I saw he was sitting out for the last part and went across to find out why. He had a tummy ache. Not convinced, I asked him later whether it was a real tummy ache or one brought on by his feelings. Turns out that, at practice for one of the relays, he hadn't realised it was his turn, his team lost and basically called him every name under the sun. He was so worried that it would happen again in front of all the parents that he felt ill

Anyway, I had to speak to his teacher one day because he was talking about "dumbing down" his class work because he didn't want to be good at just lessons. He gets teased for only being reasonable at sports and ridiculed for being clever in class. This is one of the reasons I want him to go to a grammar school, where he will be amongst similarly able classmates, so his academic ability doesn't stand out so much.

This is a difficult age and what you see as you not being able to nurture his inner soul might just be you not recognising a natural development. It's hit me hard too and I sometimes wonder where my lovely boy has gone and whether I will see him generally happy and smiling again.

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Copper · 04/07/2004 19:43

I think he probably needs you far far more than you think. My ds is 12 now and I think coming through this 10 yr old blip, but he was very unhappy at 10 - not with home - but took it out on us at home because it was a safe haven. I can't imagine how he would have coped with losing his home as well. Can't he try living at his dad's when he is a bit older? It strikes me (from this and other posts) he needs you more than ever now

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GreatExpectations · 05/07/2004 00:53

I have three very bright teenage girls and each one of them has experienced a period of difficulty between the ages of 10-13 where they have distanced themselves
felt very under confident and experienced a lack of self worth ( some of this was due to bullying and name calling- boffin etc, hormones and just learning to accept themselves )At such times I have learnt to hold them closer, seek them out , spend special time with them on their own,(recognise that their behaviour was to do with how they were feeling and not about me) do lovely things together, tell them constantly how much I love them and how beautiful they are, continually affirm them,pray for them,. It was not easy but it gradually changed and as they began to feel more comfortable with themselves their peers became more friendly, not in every case but in many.

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Piffleoffagus · 10/07/2004 14:54

WEll last w/e he has talked to his Dad, we've all talked and he wants to live with his Dad, to at least trial it for 3 months to see how it feels, if he misses his sister too much or me or his step dad and our "family" unit then he can come back at any tiem, no pressure from anyone to stay where he does not want to.
This might seem like a really odd decision, our relationships have always been open and honest and peaceful, this decision has been reached the same way. I have many worries, that he may not reintegrate next yr when he is expected to return for secondary school. That our family will never be the same, that a further wedge will be noticed between my son and dp's and my children (trying for another at the moment - well not while I type)
I am happy that it will be a positive for ds to stay with his Dad. I am going to get exp round so we can all talk about it over dinner as adults, so all our fears are aired and thought through, as well as ds's expectations. His Dad and him are extremely close emotionally, he will be in excellent hands, they really click. Ds and I do adore each other and have a fantastic relationship for our situation, but instinct as much as anything tells me that it is time for him to be with his Dad for a bit. it may not need to be long, but he does need to do it.
Has anyone ever done this I may head up a different post to ask...?

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tigermoth · 13/07/2004 10:26

piffle, coming to this late. As I don't have an over 10 year old, I can't offer advice exactly. I think the posters who've said ride it out, let ds test your boundaries, do have a point. But also, I feel you've obviously done lots of talking with ds and your ex partner, so you as a family can all agree on what's best for now.

I saw your latest message and noted you used the terms 'living with his dad' and 'staying with his dad'. To my mind there's a difference, and I think if your ds sees it as a temporary arragement that can be ended at any time, then it's easier on everyone - and I assume he'll keep lots of his stuff at yours still, so there's no mistaking he is actually leaving your home. I'm sure you'll see lots of him as well - you seem very close to him. Are you intending to keep any regular 'mum and son' routine going? swapping weekly letters, reading the same books together then discussing them, seeing him at the same time time each week (distance permitting) and taking him to a club or activity? etc etc

hope things go smoothly. Your ex partner sounds like a very interesting man!

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