getting a 3/4 year old dressed

[puppydavies]

why is this always such a flipping trauma? it's not about ability but motivation. she is totally capable of doing most of it on her own, and when i was a bawling mess yesterday (unrelated) she proved to me that she can actually do the whole lot including tights when she wants to.

so whyyyyyyyy is it always a flash point for us? she just doesn't want to do it and no matter how creative i try to be it's almost impossible to motivate her. before xmas we resorted to star charts (not my preferred method but it was getting dire) which helped to a degree but she's still reluctant and it's about 1 day in 3 i don't end up resorting to growling or shouting or threats to get her dressed (and this applies equally when we're off to do something exciting not just tescos or school).

is this standard? why? any tips? it's driving me round the bend.

ps i'm happy to help (if she asks nicely and doesn't scream) with the bits she finds tricky, i don't expect her to do it all on her own every time.

[puppydavies]

does the thread title make it look like i'm talking about a 9 month old? she's 3, nearly 4.

[nailpolish]

i have this, but its more choosing than getting dressed (although sometimes i shout as its time for school and she is still in jammies)

the night before dd1 picsk her own clothes with approval (ie no flip flops in december)

she is not allowed to change her mind the next morning

its the law

[serenity]

Does she give you trouble when you help, or is this just about getting her to do it by herself?

[puppydavies]

she doesn't like to choose, prefers me to do it - i usually ask her if she wants to choose anyway but she just says whatever you think as long as it's a skirt/dress. makes a godalmighty fuss if anything's the wrong way out so i make sure it's all the right way.

i usually try to get her to do it on her own first. if we've got to the stage of me doing it for her we're usually fairly cross with each other and she often struggles and then gets sent to sit on the stairs.

but if she asks for help she's amenable to me helping her.

[Troutpout]

reward charts with pure simple bribery work for dd
we used one for not making our lives a misery at nighttime. I brought the thing she wanted the most and then wrapped it up as a present...and had it around so that she could see it. When she got 3 weeks worth of ticks ...she got it
Also did it for putting on shoes and coats...she could do it but it was hard and she whinged and then sometimes threw herself into one. After 3 weeks she had the knack.....and could do it quick. Doesn't even think about it now.

[hippmummy]

If she is co-operating properly when you dress her I personally would give up the fight for now and just dress her. It will be over quickly with no stress and it won't become a habitual flash point.
Getting dressed is boring for little kids and it probably feels like it's taking forever when she does it herself.

Over the next few weeks, or months you can start again with a reward system for dressing herself, but doing little bits at a time, so start with just underwear, then build it up.

My DS is 3 and a half and I know we would be there all morning if I got him to dress himself, I actually prefer doing it for him!

[serenity]

I ddon't know really. At that age with the DSs I was still pretty much taking control of getting them dressed. I might leave them to it at weekends (when it doesn't matter if they spend half the day in their pants), but definitely for school we'd be doing it together (even though I knew they were able to do it themselves) It doesn't seem to have caused them any long term problems, I'm not doing it now they're 9 and 6 What I suppose I'm saying is, at this age, is it worth making an issue of it? Is it that important that she does it by herself, or that she has to ask before you help? Would helping from the beginning make the situation easier for both of you?

This obviously the slack parents solution (avoid flashpoints, and let time deal with them!)

[serenity]

x posts, I'm not alone!

[puppydavies]

hmm, we've got into the pattern of her starting off herself because when i would say it was time to get dressed she'd run off screaming and hide and it would start up a huge battle. when i handed over the responsibility to her it was marginally less stressful, i.e. one day out of 3 she does it no problem at all.

i have to say i'm a little reluctant to go back to doing it all for her, not least because we have a new baby due soon and this is one skill i would really like to encourage.

[puppydavies]

i think that post was really unclear. basically if i wait until she asks she's prepared to let me help, if i try to take charge from the start she reacts strongly against that.

[Enid]

god do it for her

she'll need babying when the new baby comes anyway

dd2 (4.5) is totally capable of getting ehrself dressed but I will still dress her if she wants me to and I have time

[Enid]

let her choose her clothes

[Bozza]

When DS was that age I had a 6mo baby and was back at work 3 days a week. He used to do it himself but I had to be in the room with him repeatedly telling him what to do next. Used to dress DD at the same time, as telling DS what to do. Then help with tricky bits like buttons.

[puppydavies]

i offer, she doesn't want to choose. and like i said, doing it for her is what sets her off in the first place.

[Enid]

I have three and a part time job and I still dress all three of them on some mornings

we make it a kind of treaty thing

[Bozza]

He is 6 now and does it fine although sometimes I have to go into his bedroom and forcibly remove a book from his hand in order to summon him back into real life.

[Enid]

get two skirts out

two tops

then ask her which one she wants to put on or which one she wants you to put on her

explain over and over again that you can dress her or she can do it herself

[Enid]

sounds like you don't like to dress her though

can you not dress her kindly with good grace rather than resenting her for not doing it?

[puppydavies]

yep, am happy to offer running commentary on what goes next, etc.

so general opinion says i'm expecting too much?

[Bozza]

TBH I really can't imagine dressing DS now. And 2yo DD is a stubborn little madam who insists on doing everything herself and I have to plead to be allowed to hand her vest the right way round. Although no doubt when she gets really good at it (managed a pair of tights on her own yesterday so not far off) she will decide she doesn't want to bother.

[Bozza]

No puppydavies I think your expectations are fine, but you have to decide whether you are willing to continue with the battle or not. Maybe you should try and identify the trigger points or perhaps a change in routine - get dressed after breakfast? Sometimes my children are from the devil until they have something in their tummys especially DD.

[puppydavies]

i don't get the making her choose business when she's honestly totally happy for me to pick...

[ScottishThistle]

Make sure she has plenty of time to dress herself & leave her to it, that way you won't be rushing her...If she needs help she'll ask you.

[puppydavies]

heh, it's always after breakfast, school is in afternoon, so it's often at 12.30 we're having these "negotiations".

actually, i have made a real effort to get it done earlier in the morning to avoid the "we have to get it done now or we'll be late" scenario, so that's not at the heart of it any more.

[puppydavies]

the trouble with leaving her to it is she doesn't like getting dressed. so this morning i had clothes laid out for her at 9 so we could go to the toyshop and playground (good enough motivation, i might have hoped?), gave her numerous gentle nudges that it was time to get dresed and she didn't want to be in her pyjamas at the playground etc. but i still had to yell at her to get her into them at 10.30 so we could actually go.

actually what often works is when i go for my shower i say "here are your clothes i expect you to have made a start at getting dressed when i come out" - making it clear anything that needs help i will help with and generally pointing out that, say pants and top will be fine cos i know her buttons are tricky or whatever. often then she'll be totally dressed when i come out.

but she was upstairs playing when i had my shower today so we missed that opportunity hence chaos ensuing. again.