Help with 11 year old and sleepovers please..

[katelyle]

My daughter is 11. She is a bright, happy, confident girl who has cheerfully sung solos in front of an audience of 300, done music exams, trampolining competitions, can talk to anyone - BUT she can't spend the night away from home. She has never managed a sleepover - I always have to go and collect her, and she has missed so much fun over the years. She is always furious with herself and cries with frustration the next day when she thinks of her friends having breakfast together, but no matter how much she steels herself, she can't do it. The last time I made a plan with my SIL that she wouldn't ring whatever happened, and dd started crying at 7.30 and didn't stop until she fell asleep. The problem is that her year are going on an adventure holiday in July and she is DESPERATE to go. Has anybody got any ideas? SHe doesn'tunderstand it herself - she says she just gets so homesick she can't stop crying, and she's not a crying child. She always has her book, a story tape, her bear, a torch - everything we can think of! HELP!

[KTeePee]

I think some people are just like this. I know a woman whose parents had to go to Australia to bring her home in her twenties when she went out there for a year, she was so bad...they had previously had to "rescue" her from Germany when she went there for part of her course while at Uni....BUT I think she has finally "grown out" of it and last I heard was living in a different city to her parents!

[fairyjay]

Katelyle
My dd was just the same - so outwardly confident, but just didn't handle sleepovers very well.
She is now coming up for 14, and whilst she doesn't stay away frequently overnight, she does now stay at friends from time to time, and seems to have left all of the uncertainty behind. It almost happened overnight - excuse the pun!
I suppose the only advice I can give is not to make a big issue of it - easier said than done, I know.

[RTKangaMummy]

Does she take her own pillow and duvet?

Or her own sleeping bag so she can sleep in it at home to smell the same as home

Find out what she takes away on the trip and do the same

If she cries leave her for and extra 30 mins or hour and say you will go an hour later

And then next time say you can't come until 2 hours later

[RTKangaMummy]

Then hopefully she will get involved in what the other girls are doing and it will get her to be there longer and longer

and then eventually she will fall asleep after chatting and laughing

[mmelody]

How about having a few sleepovers at your house? To get her used to what they are like..and perhaps with just one other friend instead of a group? They can get a bit rowdy and that may trigger the homesickness.

One of my DD's friend used to be a little wobbly when she slept over. Tears and missing her mum. I just used to go and spend a little time in the bedroom with them all and give her lots of hugs...so may be worth speaking to the parents and asking them to give a little extra tlc perhaps.

Or maybe she could take a mobile phone and ring you whenever she feels wobbly, perhaps just being able to ring you whenever she likes may help her.

I'm sure with a little perseverance she will be fine...once she has done one night she will love it. Good luck.

[mumblechum]

Good ideas there from Mmelody!

[katelyle]

Thank you all - but I think I've tried everything! We're always having sleepovers here-and lots of her friends mothers have done everything they can think of to help her, to no avail! Terrified at the thought of going to Australia to get her - I thought Canterbury was bad enough! It wouldn't matter and I'd just leave it til she's ready, if it weren't for the fact that she wants to do it so much - AND the impending school trip......

[twelveyeargap]

So even at your SILs house, where there wasn't a big gang of girls staying over, she was still upset? It's definitely being "away from home" that's the problem, not the company?

If so, then does she spend much time away from home during the day time? Would it help for her to spend entire days, until bedtime at your SILs house?

Has she ever stayed in other people's houses with you? Just trying to get at what could be bothering her. Does she have any closer family members she could try staying with, like a grandparent, where she'd feel more secure?

I also think the suggestion of having a sleepover at your house is a good one. She may have some nagging fear that she's not even really aware of, which is getting to her at night. It might be calmed by seeing how other girls cope.

It would be an awful shame for her to miss the trip, but I wouldn't risk it if you're already aware that being away upsets her.

[Enid]

well, she can't go if she won't IYSWIM!

can you sit down with her and make a plan working towards the holiday?

staying at grandmas first then a friends?

Otherwise she is just going to have to face the fact she cannot go on the holiday and that she will have to go another year when she feels ready.

[twelveyeargap]

Cross-posted. Hmm. Short of getting her a hypnotherapy session to calm whatever fear is in there, I'm not sure there's much more you can do.

Keep trying with close family if possible. There is some trigger... If only you could work out what it is.

[Enid]

yes agree there is a trigger

can you try bribery? if you manage to stay overnight at a friends I will buy you x y or z?

sometimes this gives them a focus

[katelyle]

We've often talked there being a trigger of some sort - but we just cannot think what it could have been. It's not as if she did it once and had a bad experience - she's just never beeen able to do it - even at Grandmas. She is quite often out all day - every Monday for example, she goes to school, goes home with a friend, goes to trampolining and I don't pick her up til 8.15. And she often spends all day at the weekend with friends or with my brother ans SIL. And we quite often stay with family and friends. Maybe hypnotherapy is the answer!

[twelveyeargap]

I'm a firm believer in hypnotherapy. It's worked wonders with me. A one day course at London zoo cured me of my fear of spiders completely. I've done a few sessions for bad eating habits and am now doing hynobirthing.

A hypnotherapist could probably in one or two sessions just teach her to be able to calm herself when she feels upset at bedtime and get over it, or if you wanted to go deeper, could regress her over a few sessions to find out why she gets so upset.

As she's so eager to stay and get over the problem, I'm sure it would work. It would give her the confidence. Hypnotherapy is all about taking control of your body or emotions.

Will get off my soapbox now.