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I don't like sending 4yo DS to his room as 'punishment' - alternatives?

8 replies

ElphabaTheGreen · 09/12/2016 23:49

A few weeks ago, DS1 (4.7yo) was kicking off mightily during dinner, so, at the end of his wick, DH bundled him up, put him in his room and shut the door on him. Now, we've never used time-out or naughty step because we haven't felt we've needed to, so doing this didn't sit well with me, I said so to DH, but was a bit too strung out to think of an alternative. DS1 eventually calmed down, we found him looking at his books, had a chat about why we'd excluded him, got an apology and all was fine. We've used it three more times since then - me once when I couldn't ignore DS1's unstoppable wailing any more during dinner, DH once more for a similar thing (so I'm not convinced that it's actually having any lasting effects as a consequence) and DH a third time when DS1 wouldn't do his homework. Now, since I think homework in Reception is ridiculous anyway, I really didn't agree with this last one but didn't say anything to DH because I'd rather have an alternative to present. I can usually get DS1 to do his homework (or I just let it slide if I really don't think I'm going to get anywhere). DH doesn't have quite the same knack and seems to be starting to use putting him in his room as a general punishment if he's not doing what he's asked/told, which bothers me.

Any suggestions? I guess I'd like a way to get to the root of the behaviour and address that, rather than just excluding him for the behaviour itself, which is more for our own eardrums and sanity than it is to modify his behaviour. Dinner does seem to be a particular issue - he almost never wants anything to eat, he categorically refuses to sit with us and be sociable (sticker/reward charts have done exactly nothing to encourage him; providing him with drawing paper, toys, books to use at the table are similarly ineffective) so he kicks off when we refuse to interrupt our meal to play with him, read to him, fetch certain items for him that he can't reach etc.

DS2 is 2.4yo, by the way, so doing his own spectacular tantrums which I'm sure are big influences on DS1's behaviour. Sometimes, once we've finally got one calmed down, the other kicks off. It's like they're working shifts

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 09/12/2016 23:52

Dealing with the root cause and sending him to his room are not mutually exclusive.

What works best?

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ElphabaTheGreen · 10/12/2016 00:15

Sending to his room works best at muffling the noise. I'm not convinced it's working on much else.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 10/12/2016 13:15

Well it tells him that he can't remain with the family while he's screaming and tantrumming. Why should everyone else suffer.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 10/12/2016 13:16

In that frame of mind he's not going to respond to anything.

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corythatwas · 10/12/2016 14:59

I think saving your eardrums is actually a perfectly valid reason. Not everything in life can revolve about him and his needs and his learning curve: life has got to be bearable for the rest of the family too.

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ElphabaTheGreen · 10/12/2016 16:46

It just doesn't seem to be doing anything to address the behaviour to begin with. Or is it just a case of waiting for him to grow out of it, while saving our eardrums?

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Crumbs1 · 10/12/2016 16:57

It absolutely addresses the behaviour but should be a known sanction rather than an angry reaction. Set rules, give consequences and stick to it.
At 4/5 child will be exhausted from school so may be a bit tired for sitting at table making polite conversation and eating. I wouldn't fret too much about the eating but tantrums at table are not acceptable. Maybe forgive lack of being sociable as long as quiet.
Homework is a bit silly to get in a real battle about. Reading can be done with cuddles on sofa - if teacher is giving tinies other homework a chat may be in order about purpose of this as proven not to have any benefit as such young age.

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ElphabaTheGreen · 10/12/2016 22:17

I agree Crumbs about the homework. If I can't convince DS it's a pleasurable game that he'll have fun showing his teacher the next day, or work it into something he loves like reading together or baking, I don't push it and, while the school set a ridiculous amount for such small children (to impress Ofsted, presumably), there's no pressure from them to do it. DH was well out of order by punishing DS so severely for not doing it.

I am past fretting about DS not eating. The child survives on the odd bite of a ham sandwich and deep breaths of fresh air. But I do value your point about prioritising quiet over sitting at the table, thank you.