Should Santa still come if 4yr old DS continues bad behaviour??

[u32ng]

This is the first year we will be 'doing' Santa and have written the Santa letter (buzz lightyear toy), and made it clear that Santa only visits the good boys & girls etc. However his behaviour makes me wonder if he will actually behave and if he doesn't do we honestly leave him a lump of coal?? Also seems wrong that he could misbehave all December and still get his Santa present as surely he will think "oh well Santa still came even though I wasn't good so I don't need to be good to get rewarded"

I've posted on MN before about DS's behaviour (hitting, slapping, punching type behaviour). We thought we were turning a corner but today was an awful day at nursery and now I'm honestly wondering what we are to do if it continues through December??

[ferriswheel]

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.


Yes.

[WreckTangled]

Of course he does. What will you do the other eleven months of the year if he doesn't behave I would stop telling him that father christmas only comes to good girls and boys.

[Ellieboolou27]

Use more immediate threats, my dh said to my 4yo if she carries in being naughty she won't get any Christmas presents! In reality is he really going to not let his dd have any gusts on Christmas Day.... No, course he won't.
My dd is challenging and it's more effective to make immediate punishments, such as not getting bedtime story, no kindle, no sweets on collection after school, trying to enforce a punishment 3 weeks in advance won't have much affect at this age

[Pattakiller]

Pretty stupid to make Santa conditional on behaviour

[Eva50]

He is only 4. That's still really, really little. He is not being bad, there will be a reason for this behaviour. I realise that it's difficult for you but you need to work with him, the nursery and any outside help they can access. Santa should be unconditional.

[Ellieboolou27]

• excuse typos

[3luckystars]

I dont know of any parent in the history of the world that gave their child coal on Christmas morning.


Your son is 4. If you are really struggling with extreme behaviour, that seems totally beyond normal 4 year old stuff, would you consider getting an assessment done on him. he is trying to communicate something.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

My parents thought I was a truly terrible, horribly behaved child at age 4. My "crimes" included things like acting up while we were in line at the bank, whining for snacks or toys, and once in a while saying a naughty word (which I'd heard plenty of from my parents).

My mother decided to give me not coal in my stocking, but another item she had told me Santa gave to bad children. When I came down on Christmas morning and saw the item, and no gifts around, I wailed and cried. After a few minutes my parents laughed at me, saying, "I think she's learned her lesson," and got out the rest of the presents.

Even today, the memory of the way they acted makes me so upset. It seemed sadistic -- they knew they were going to give me my gifts anyway, they just wanted to make me cry some beforehand. It wasn't the first or last time that their behavior was like that (pretend to take away something so they could give it back after I'd become hysterical with sadness and remorse). When I hit a child at around the same age, they also took me to the local jail and told me I'd go there if I didn't start being good. I had nightmares about it for months.

What's worse, to this day they bring these incidents, including the Christmas one and the jail one, up as an example of their good parenting skills.

If you do decide he's getting coal which I don't think you should do I think he should be made well aware of it ahead of time. What cruelty, to make a child anticipate and long for Christmas...I remember barely sleeping on the night before, dreaming of the lit tree and presents...and then take all that anticipation and joy and twist it into a spectacle of grief.

Remember this: it's likely your child will remember your behavior about this Christmas, if you actually follow through on your plan. He might forget a normal Christmas, and he'll almost certainly eventually forget the physical aggression he's directed toward his classmates. But the odds he'll forget coal in his stocking? Nil. And someday you're going to have to tell him the truth about who really bought that coal.

[TheBogQueen]

He's only four.

Don't turn Xmas into some sort of trial.

[Ohyesiam]

He's 4, and his behaviour is a call for you to take him seriously. Google hand in hand parenting, who have brilliant strategies for the behaviour you describe.

[stillwantrachelshair]

DS is also 4 but a May birthday so is in reception. His behaviour is being somewhat challenging at the moment and I would love to come up with a parenting method that would change it. However, under no circumstances would I suggest Father Christmas won't come if he is naughty. Advent calendar chocolate is different. He can't open the window & eat the chocolate if he has spat at, pinched or kicked me on that day.

[u32ng]

Thanks for the replies - even the blunt ones. I know deep down we wouldn't do the coal thing as I am very much aware that this is his first Santa Xmas and we love Xmas so want the same for DS. I think I'm just struggling with the contrary-ness of it all.

Yes maybe it's time to visit the docs and have a chat about some sort of assessment

[CatWithKittens]

I hesitate to say anything because parenting approaches are so personal, and advice on it can sound so patronising, or worse still just simplistic, but having had 5, we have learned not to make any threat which we are not both prepared to put into effect if necessary and also to make any sanction follow the event very quickly - as with a puppy! Personally it would feel all wrong to me to make receipt of presents, whether from us for a birthday or Christmas or from "Father Christmas" dependent on good behaviour because presents are given out of love and as an expression of it, which does not change even if a child is naughty - it after all his/her behaviour we do not like; we still love the child, even when annoying or distressing.

[Rockpebblestone]

Maybe you could introduce a letter back from Santa?

Dear xxxx,

Hope you like your presents and have a lovely Christmas. I know your behaviour has not been perfect all the time but I have also noticed that sometimes you have behaved really well and are kind. So this note is just to say, 'Keep up the good work! You can do it!'

Have a very merry Christmas,

Love,

Santa.

[User24689]

I'm a teacher and remember us all coming back to school in January about 6 years ago to find one of the little boys in the reception class had this exact thing happen - Santa didn't come because he was bad. I remember actually crying for him because it seemed so cruel. I had no idea people actually did this. The little lad was really withdrawn for a while afterwards too, it affected him. He has siblings who got their presents.

I understand what you are saying about the 'lesson' not being learned if Santa comes anyway but he is 4 - he will not connect the behavior to his gifts one way or the other. He needs immediate consequences.

If you are really concerned, perhaps Santa can bring a 'letter' explaining that he was not pleased with some of DS's behavior but that Santa knows he is a Good Boy with a kind heart (or something) so he brought his presents and he will be looking out for his good behavior for the rest of the coming year.

[User24689]

X post Rock! Great minds

[selly24]

What about a letter from Santa before Christmas. He has seen his behaviour and wants him to improve, knows he is trying hard and believes he can.( insert some personal examples) Santa is loading up the sleigh and know he would like Buzz etc...

[Atenco]

If you label your child as bad that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes when they are going through a difficult we fall into telling them off so much that they stop caring what we say. That is often when we have to change tack and give them more love than anything.

[waitingforsomething]

Can you imagine his face on Christmas day if santa brings him no presents? awful for a boy as little as as that. You need to use more immediate discipline, father christmas is not a way to parent.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

My son has had challenging behaviour and can still be a bit of a handful at times. We've really concentrated on making a big fuss when he behaves and really praising him.
We've used the portable north pole app so santa rings him or sends him a video whenever he does something good to continue that encouragement.
The look on his face is priceless!

[Getnakedorgohome]

On a slight tangent, does anybody else get incredibly annoyed when random people in shops etc tell their dc 'if you don't behave for mummy, santa won't come!' I always turn to dc and say 'that's just not true, if you don't behave for mummy then MUMMY will x, y, z'. There is a consequence for poor behaviour but it will be dealt with by me at the time, not Santa almost a month later.

[pklme]

An inlaw and her DB were given coal one year. I'm not sure how old they were. Agree with PPs, don't threaten no Santa, and use the Santa letter idea to explain why Santa is coming anyway.

You and your DS need support with his behaviour. There are some great resources on line. AHA Attachment Parenting is good, too. When you understand what your DS is trying to communicate with his behaviour, you will find it easier to manage.

[ProfYaffle]

I once made fake edible coal to give to the dc as a bit of a warning shot but they were older and knew it was jokey (kind of!)

We never really did the whole 'if you're good' thing as we knew it was an empty threat.

[ProfYaffle]

Gave to the dc pre Christmas I should say, not on the day!

[midnightlurker]

Children always respond better to earning good things than having them taken away. So perhaps agree on one target each day that he does achieve already but not consistently (so set him up to succeed as he is capable of it) and Santa needs a certain number of smiley faces or whatever for doing that thing. Not too many, make sure he can achieve. Then he cold get a well done letter from Santa at the end! Presents come anyway but your reward chart could earn him a small surprise on top...