Awful behaviour after contact with father

(7 Posts)
Rebecca129 Sat 19-Nov-16 23:24:49

So my sons dad made it his mission to have an order of contact put in place after repeatedly letting him down and claiming I'd stopped contact. He was granted this order and has basically used it to ruin my life so to speak. He threatens me with it constantly and doesnt pay any interest in how my son is feeling in all of this. I have been notified that he has no safeguarding concerns when it comes to me and my son, but his dad has a recording of him taking him to the toilet and telling him i hit him when i make him angry? Hes also getting his uncle who lives in the flat below me to record my conversations to use as evidence against me in court. He came back a few days ago and cowered into a corner when he saw me, and looked frightened to death.
His behaviour has also been absolutely horrific, and is currently getting worse when he comes home from a visit with his dad. I am 100% sure they are emotionally abusing my son. Manipulating him into saying things he wouldnt at 3 years old, and into believing i will genuinely hit him.
I guess my question here is can i do anything about this? It isnt working for my son at all and it shows in his behaviour when we are alone.

KarmaNoMore Sat 19-Nov-16 23:54:50

The question here is who is feeding his "paranoia". After all, there is no reality, just perceptions.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to change him, the only thing you can do is change how you react to his actions and ensure your child gets as much stability as he can when he is with you as this will help him to cope better.

It is difficult going against a court order or reasoning with someone who has developed a very skewed perception of what is going on. Main weapon in court of people like him is to claim you are blocking or intending to block contact for everyone to side with him, so... keep an objective record of what is going on, just facts, no opinions. Just write everything your child say (but don't interrogate him), dates, behaviour. What you need to show the court in order to be taken seriously is to be able to show that there is a pattern of behaviour which is upsetting your kid.

Rebecca129 Sun 20-Nov-16 00:11:01

Thank you! I literally feel like im at a point of saying f#$@ the order, i am not allowing you to put my son through this anymore. I know this would land me in deep trouble, but i just cannot stand to see him like this. Everything has changed in him, right down to his eating habits. Hes showing every sign of a completely stressed out toddler.
Hes going for over night contact, which will be the next hearing. Im so afraid that hell get that too. He physically cannot be alone with son, he never has been and even with this order, and although the judge told him repeatedly that he is to have unsupervised contact to build a relationship with him, he still refuses to be alone with him because he knows he cannot meet his needs.

KarmaNoMore Sun 20-Nov-16 21:36:53

Keep the record, I would also suggest getting a book that may give you an idea about how to parent a kid that lives in two households (I found it incredibly useful), it is called "Putting Children First, a manual forcseparated parents", you can get it from Amazon.

The other thing that I would suggest is not to get into further conflict with your ex, the sad reality is that you can't control what happens while DS is under his care, so although difficult, try not to show your disappointment as much as you can, because if you can communicate at least in a civil manner, it is more likely that you can sit and discuss things about your son and agree on doing whatever is best for him.

It is when you stop communicating that everything goes down the drain (honestly) so for the sake of your kid, do your best to be diplomatic (even if he is acting like a proper arse), this will help you help your child (but keep the record in case you need it).

One question, if he doesn't want to be alone with his son, who is insisting he should be?

Rebecca129 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:56:46

If he cant be alone with him how exactly is he meant to have overnight contact? He isnt capable of meeting his needs and if he cant do that he shouldnt be given the opportunity to do with him as he pleads. He takes absolutely no food for thought on how my son is being treat by him and his family. He doesnt care. I asked him about financial support and he threw a bigger tantrum than my 3 year old and threatened solicitor again. Then suggested to cafcass that his family pick my son up and drop him home so theres no direct contact between me and him or even my son and him.

His family are emotionally abusing my son and i will not have him being treat like that. I just dont know how to go about stopping it.

KarmaNoMore Wed 23-Nov-16 16:52:16

Yes, but you say he doesn't want to have your child overnight, you don't seem to trust him to have him either so... if you don't want to and neither does he, what is the problem?

Rebecca129 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:59:59

His solicitor has told him to go for over night contact, so now hes got that thought stuck in his head. My problem is i really don't trust him, i wish i could. He has mental health issues and he struggles to deal with them himself. Hence why be cant be alone with my son, his anxiety hits the roof when someone tries to leave them.
He wants to have him at his mums house. Like a sleepover with his buddy, which of course his mother would be looking after them both. He doesnt at all fall into the category of a responsible parent.
This whole situation is stressing my little one out so much that even the school are noticing changes in his behaviour. Its been a month and hes becoming uncontrollable already. This is rolling until march, and i hate to think whats going to happen in the next four months! sad

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