Cheeky 11yo ds

[bramblina]

What do you do about a cheeky pre-teen? It gets me so cross. He's a great kid otherwise but this part needs to be nipped in the bud. We had a screaming match tonight after a few hours of it because he just didn't let up. Not nasty or anything just cheeky. I guess it's quite out of character for him comparing his new behaviour to how he was as a young boy which is what I find hard to ignore. I never thought he would be normally cheeky so it's hard to accept!

How do you deal with cheek???

[HowTheFuckDoIDoThis]

I am currently dealing with similar. I dont mind cheek so much, it is the constant going with it and plain rudeness that comes with it.

Sorry i cant offer any advise, but you arent alone.

[corythatwas]

Ime staying very calm and briskly good-humoured works best. It is an age where he needs to defend his independence but has not yet got the maturity to always do this in a socially acceptable manner. The aim is to produce, in another 7 years or so, a grown man who makes his decisions independently of you. But he doesn't quite know how to get there yet.

How bad is the cheekiness? What does he actually say?

[bramblina]

Sorry I didn't check back in. Are you still there?

He has an answer for everything (so do I so that's a bit annoying! My fault!) and if he can't have the last word he pulls a face. So I don't suppose it's all that bad, I think when he just keeps coming back with something I just want to scream SHUT UUUPPPPPP!!!!!! at him but don't, obvs. It's almost like he's too smart to argue with. He is a clever lad, and quite mature at times.

I find myself not knowing what to do sometimes, how to discipline him, and feeling silently stupid about it. You know, when you see Mums who are just so "together" about everything and handle everything so bloody well and I think I am most of the time then have a barney with ds and think ah shit I'm crap at this!!!!

I need quick, simple and straightforward discipline techniques. Consequences for things which are unacceptable.

Ds2 (4) has been hitting at nursery, not intentionally to hurt the kids he's just a bit heavy handed and gets carried away, and rarely suffers pain as he's so bloody tough so just isn't bothered, but I had to talk to ds1 (11) and dd (8) tonight about it and say it is completely unacceptable to hit, hurt, etc. Then one of them got in the way of the other tonight, one barged, the other pushed a little then the other kind of tapped/gently hit the other one. I got cross, sat them all down, and said no more, that's it, or you will lose all privileges. Ds1 said "but Mum you always say that" so it turns out I am pretty lax at carrying out consequences. But then, what consequences do you give? Ds1 is not allowed ipod and dd kindle, during the week until homework is done, they live without them pretty easily. They are never allowed them before bed. They don't watch much tv. They regularly empty the dishwasher/set the table/put the recycling out/hoover.

[HowTheFuckDoIDoThis]

Find your consequences and make rules to go with them.
Hitting = one hour without the ipad for example.

Write them down and stick them up.
If they say they "forgot". Say "well next time you wont" rather than thinking ...ah maybe he did forget, ill let it slide this time.

I have a 3 chances for my youngest two.
Whoever has the least chances before bedtime goes to bed first. They can earn them back with good behaviour but not if they lose all 3. Its been working a treat. With my oldest - its an internet ban from one hour to 24 hours. More depending on what has happened, but ive yet to go longer than 24 hours

[HowTheFuckDoIDoThis]

I think all parents feel they are shit st parenting at points. Especially when new phases and stages hit.
You arent shit. You are doing the best you can, just like everyone else out there.
Dont put yourself down, im sure youre doing great

[corythatwas]

Just seen this again.

I think yes, you have to be firm with consequences but no, you don't have to allow him to manipulate you into a situation where you are forced to punish him, time and again. The situation you describe between your two older dcs might partly have been about testing your limits. But you don't have to play. You are allowed to separate them at the first push, laugh at them for thinking they can provoke you and send them both off on boring errands at separate ends of the house, before they manage to get to the point where you have to take all their privileges off them.

Again, when your ds tries desperately to get the last word, you don't have to play. You can say "yes, I can see what you are trying to do, but I am not going to play". Act amused (even if you don't feel it).

I have one exactly like it, started when he hit pre-puberty at 10 and still hates losing an argument at 16- but he is beginning to learn that there are ways of winning an argument that earn you respect- and ways that don't. Also that those boring old codgers his parents actually know a thing or two more than he suspected at first. You're playing the long game here.