Nursery have just rang me

(126 Posts)
Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:02:46

And I'm horrified but not surprised.

Ds is nearly 4. (Hes the 4th child but only boy). The nursery manager has rang as he has badly scratched another child as he wanted something they had. He has form for this and lots of other aggressive behaviour. She wanted to discuss how we can deal with him. I use star chart rewards at home which kind of works ish. Oh and he also laughed when he got told off. -- little bugger-- Wtf should I do? Is it just boy behaviour? Will he grow out of it? Or am I doomed to be called in to school hated by ither parents Help please??

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:03:38

Oh and would it be worth seeking professional help?

reallyanotherone Thu 20-Oct-16 11:06:19

Please don't minimise it as "boy behaviour". If you wouldn't accept it in your girls the fact he has a penis does not make it ok.

Deal with it as you would any child. Crack down on any behaviour you have been excusing because of his penis- rough and tumble at home, mischievousness, low level naughtiness and cheekiness.

Bestthingever Thu 20-Oct-16 11:09:11

It's not just 'boy' behaviour. I have two boys and one was quite aggressive at nursery and primary school, the other wouldn't harm a fly. It's hard to say more than that with the information you've given. It's good that you have a reward chart at home. I found they worked quite well. You need to look at when he is aggressive. Is it when he feels threatened or frustrated? Is his speech good enough to express himself? Lack of remorse or empathy is a bit of a concern. My ds always cared about making me happy and that was a big help in getting him to improve his behaviour.

M00MINMAMMA Thu 20-Oct-16 11:09:25

Not much in the way of suggestions - it sounds like you're doing your best! Could it be worth arranging a playdate with the aggrieved party? Apologising to his mum and then perhaps seeing if you can oversee the playdate and get him to understand he has to play nice?

If it's any comfort, ds was getting beaten up at 4 by a couple of boys, one has left the school and ds is now really good friends with the other boy (they are both 9 now) who adores ds and seems to have forgotten all about his violent past. grin

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:11:14

Not a very helpful post really We haven't been letting him get away with things because hes a boy. You are jumping to conclusions. confused

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:13:59

best Thats interesting. He is aggressive when hes fustrated, tired, wants his own way, to get attention etc. He is remorsefu sometimes, will often calm down and say I'm sorry by himself. His speech is excellent.

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:15:13

it's any comfort, ds was getting beaten up at 4 by a couple of boys, one has left the school and ds is now really good friends with the other boy (they are both 9 now) who adores ds and seems to have forgotten all about his violent past. grin
Sorry he went through that.....glad it worked out. smile it gives me hope too.

Elbekind Thu 20-Oct-16 11:15:52

I don't have any suggestions but hopefully my anecdote can make you feel a tad better...
When I was 4 I was in preschool and was playing cars with a little boy who we'll call Joe. Joe kept taking my car and I told the nursery teacher who just sort of shrugged it off, said play nice, and then went back to what she was doing.
So, the next time Joe leant forwards to take my car I bit him on the ear. There was blood everywhere, he had to have stitches and I was excludedblush because apparently, I seemed to not give a shit that I had hurt him.
Joe is now a good friend of mine, we're in our twenties and he still has a scar on his ear grin
The point is that I was a normal kid, never went on to become a bully and never hurt other children once I got to school. However, I seemed to be somewhat well known for it at nursery and pre-school which mortified my Mum as she was a very well respected childminder!

EternallyYouthful Thu 20-Oct-16 11:19:36

Wtf should I do? Is it just boy behaviour? Will he grow out of it? Or am I doomed to be called in to school

If I were in your position I would take away his favourite toy(s) after explaining why. No it isn't boy behaviour, I have two boys aged 4 & 6 they aren't aggressive and have never shown any aggressive behaviour, no it won't grow out of it unless you make him aware that what he is doing isn't acceptable. And I'd also go out of my way to apologise the the child he hurt parent(s)

There is a book called Raising Boys which might be helpful, you can purchase it from Amazon.

MyschoolMyrules Thu 20-Oct-16 11:22:14

Ok if a child has aggressive behaviour you need much more than a star chart. What does he do at home, is he aggressive towards other children, siblings? If he does, you need to find a suitable reaction that will stop him from laughing. You are the boss, not him. And I really mean this, so should you. Don't shout, take a low and very firm voice, tell him clearly that we never, ever hit. NEVER. We don't push, scratch, hit. NEVER EVER.

Explain to him that if he pushes, kicks, scratches a child it's an immediate red card (football analogy here) and is an immediate punishment, favorite toy goes on the fridge, child has to sit on chair for 4 minutes and has to apologise. If he laughs, take away another toy, tablet, TVs time, game whatever. Whatever works for him. He needs to get it, and you need to be very firm and consistent. He needs to understand that every time he is aggressive something will happen and it will be a punishment, every single time.

A behaviour chart would be helpful if he spends a entire day without any pushing/hurting another child. If he gets five days in a row he gets a reward, a movie, extra playtime.

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:24:31

Elbe, thats made me smile! Poor Joe.grin

Eternally. Ok so I can safely say its not boy behaviour. I will do the toy thing when I pick him up. I'll get that book too. flowers Do you think I should search the parent out and apologise? If I was to do this everytine hes hurt someone i'd be dojng it ALOT. I also don't want to draw attention to the fact hes a thug.blush

MyschoolMyrules Thu 20-Oct-16 11:25:06

In my opinion, you don't need to spend a lot of time explaining why. We never hit or hurt or push, that is the rule. No middle ground. Immediate punishment. Other types of behaviour that are not nice but not aggressive you can obviously give warnings. But he needs to unserstand that hurting another child is always completely a red card.

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:26:04

I will try * myschool* its very hard not to shout at him sometimes!

user1476140278 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:26:25

Really was saying what she said because YOU mentioned his sex OP! It was YOU who said he was the "only boy" you had so you obviously thought it was pertinent.

And it's not.

Really was point that out. So her post was indeed helpful.

Happyhippy45 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:34:33

When my son was little he would get into tussles like this. Probably more to the story than your son out of the blue scratching another kid.
I'd get the phone call from school and I'd made it clear to Ds that if I get a phone call about his behaviour he will lose his "privelages"......tv, video games etc etc for x amount of time.
I always rang the parents and apologised and assured them that I was dealing with him/he would have a consequence for his actions.

drspouse Thu 20-Oct-16 11:36:08

I am smiling wryly at all of these "consequences" as none of them would work for my DS. But that's an aside.

Sometimes children laugh when they are told off because either a) normally when they are happy and smile and laugh they get positive attention so they try it when they are being told off in case it works or b) they are a bit embarrassed so it's a nervous laugh.

More likely to be a) in a younger child and telling them off extensively for the laughing only leads to more attention (though negative this time). We've been doing this with DS (who does this) for a while but realised recently it was really counterproductive so now if we need to talk to him it's about the behaviour itself not the laughing when told off, irritating though that is!

EternallyYouthful Thu 20-Oct-16 11:36:10

Notjustaboything Yes I would apologise to the patents, and please do not label your child as a "thug" because he's not!

You've said he is aggressive when he doesn't get his own way etc? So does that mean he is physically aggressive towards you and his siblings?

Boosiehs Thu 20-Oct-16 11:39:13

there is a scratcher at DS1 nursery. My DS has a bad scar on his face because of him. So do other children. I really do wonder what the parents are doing at home. angry

He has become known as "Thug[name]"

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 20-Oct-16 11:39:59

" I use star chart rewards at home which kind of works ish."

Do you mean that you give a star as a reward for going through a given period and/or situation, without being aggressive?

If so, what do you do if he is aggressive? Is it simply a case of not getting a star ... so no other 'punishment' as such?

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:41:56

Today 11:39 Boosiehs

there is a scratcher at DS1 nursery. My DS has a bad scar on his face because of him. So do other children. I really do wonder what the parents are doing at home. angry

He has become known as "Thug[name]"

Lovelyhmm Perhaps they are trying their hardest like most us are.

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:42:59

You've said he is aggressive when he doesn't get his own way etc? So does that mean he is physically aggressive towards you and his siblings?

Yep mostly at two of his sisters and my dh.

Happyhippy45 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:43:18

"I am smiling wryly at all of these "consequences" as none of them would work for my DS. But that's an aside"

My son lived for video games.....completely obsessed so they were strictly rationed. To lose his portion for the day was a pretty big thing.

Just had to find what works for each kid.
My dd would lose her sweeties privelage and that was a big thing for her.
Ds couldn't give a crap about sweeties........was always amusing to watch other kids(even adults) try to bribe him motivate him using sweets.

Notjustaboything Thu 20-Oct-16 11:44:39

Do you mean that you give a star as a reward for going through a given period and/or situation, without being aggressive?

If so, what do you do if he is aggressive? Is it simply a case of not getting a star ... so no other 'punishment' as such?

He gets a star fir general good behaviour inc no aggression.

He gets told off fir aggression and sometimes a toy removed which I plan to do everytine from now on.

Happyhippy45 Thu 20-Oct-16 11:45:27

Also used a lot of positive reinforcement......so not just punishing all the time. A kids getting praised for doing something good...even if it's just putting a bit of rubbish in the bin......keep pointing out the good stuff he is doing. They love positive attention.

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