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Behaviour/development

ds age 10 poor social skills....help needed

14 replies

prune · 13/06/2004 18:53

My ds is a very bright 10 year old but has very poor interpersonal skills. We wondered from a very young age whether he had Aspergers as he seemed to have a lot of traits including obsessions. However he did improve and by the time he was 4 or 5 we did an online Aspergers scoring thingy and he was off the bottom of the scale. However social abilities have not come naturally to him, we had to teach him (and still constantly remind him) to look at peoples eyes when he talks to them, to answer people if they talk to him (often he apparently can't be bothered!!) etc.

He was quite deaf until he was 7, but lipread so excellently that until we paid privately for a hearing test no one beleived us as his speech and schoolwork was so good. After grommets his hearing was perfect but the improvement in interpersonal skills that we had hoped for didn't happen.

He has 2 close schoolfriends but what i fear for is his future if he doesn't behave more normally.

His current obsession is the playstation (aaargh why did I ever get one) although he is only allowed to play on it at weekends for a few hours, usually from when he wakes at 6 to when the rest of the house wake up at around 8, then maybe an hour later in the day, it is ALL he talks about, and endlessly!!! He obviously thinks about it all the time. I have thought about banning it totally but that seems mean, as his friends have them as well...but they aren't obsessed like him.

He just hasn't talked about anything else for about a year now, and I am worried. He doesn't know how to cope with meeting people, he just behaves stupidly which he thinks impresses them, though we have tried to explain it is like talking to a wall!!

Any ideas as to how to teach him? Can you teach these things or is it just innate?

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tiamaria · 13/06/2004 19:22

prune - I don't think I can help as such, but I wanted to respond. My ds' situation is different to your ds' but it might help you to compare. My ds is 10 and we have wondered about hearing problems and he reckoned he had one, but he has had two comprehensive hearing tests at the hospital and he seems fine (basically, but not 100% perfect). He did seem to want there to be a problem, though! Likewise, he totally messed up one optician's appointment (giving stupid answers) until I told him that he'd pay for the next one (ie give £18.50 to a charity of the optician's choice) if he did it again! He was about 9 at the time. (He behaved much better the next time and we were told he has good eyesight.) He still opens conversations with "Do you know that Michael Owen has scored x goals this season!" despite me telling him that talking to me about football will get him nothing but "Hmmm" or "For goodness sake!" if I'm busy and trying to do something else! I think that lots of the social skills that we take for granted have to be learnt, and that some people find them especially hard to learn. I know a few adults very well whose behaviour seems bizarre and I just put it down to either them being them or Aspergers. You just make allowances when they seem tactless or whatever. Your ds' hearing problems in the past have obviously made his start in life learning social skills harder than for some other children, but as long as you're aware of potential pitfalls and keep an eye out for them, I think he'll be fine. As for having just 2 close schoolfriends, that sounds normal to me, too. They just fall out lots when they have more, as different ones in the group want to play different games at playtime. Sorry this is very rushed. Hope that helps.

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prune · 13/06/2004 19:31

Thanks Tiamaria, don't know if I worry too much, or if there really is a problem.

I wish he would be interested in the football because at least he would have that in common with everyone else at the moment! Have tonight put up a poster of the England team in his room but he says he doesn't want to watch the match.....(me neither I have to say!!)

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Tessiebear · 13/06/2004 20:11

Your DS could be just slightly Aspergic (like mine) and you will never get a diagnosis because it isnt severe enough (which is good) but at the same time you still have to deal with lots of the everyday problems. I did a lot of research on the net and there are some brilliant books you can buy that give you strategys to help your child overcome AS related problems - there are a lot of simple techniques that really work. My DS 6 is the same about not looking people in the eye and sometimes completely blanking people and also the "being silly"which is really embarrasing to us but they think it is really cool. I read that when they are in social situations they are feeling v.v. nervous inside which makes them unable to find the words for conversation or even to respond with a simple hello. Giving them a prompt or practising what they are going to say can help. If we are arriving at friends house we say to DS "now when we get there remember to say hello, How are you etc" and we often have practice conversations

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coppertop · 13/06/2004 20:13

Hi Prune. My ds has a diagnosis of high-functioning autism/Asperger's. We're using something called Social Stories to teach ds1 about how he should behave and also to try to reduce the length of some of his routines. These may be useful for your ds if you are trying to teach him social skills. I can't remember the name of the relevant website but if you do a search in the Special Needs section of Mumsnet there are a couple of threads about this and the Carol Gray link should be there.

Have you thought about aking for an assessment? What is the school's opinion?

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Tessiebear · 13/06/2004 20:13

My DS is also academically very bright and addicted to computer games etc

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prune · 13/06/2004 20:34

Thanks tessiebear and coppertop. Will search for the social stories.

Haven't had him assessed, as not sure what it would gain, as he doesn't need any special help at school as such, and he does enjoy school . he is at state school in a big class (33 I think). The schoolwork is a drag as his writing is absolutely diabolical, his teacher has basically said we just have to accept that writing is not his strong point (we have tried for years to improve it) and she doesn't want him to start to hate school because of constant nagging about his writing. The content is always superb if you can read it!! He doesn't really get stretched enough, the schools idea of extension maths is the top 15 or so in the year (96 in the year) whereas if it was true extension it should just be the top 2 or 3. But I'm rambling off the point now!

Will go and search for the social stories.

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Tessiebear · 13/06/2004 20:36

Will try and find some book titles for you and post tommorow night

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BlossomHill · 13/06/2004 21:14

Prune

Sorry that I have no advice to give but was wondering if you had the link for the aspergers online test. I would really be interested. I hope you don't mind me asking!

BH

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tiamaria · 14/06/2004 09:36

prune - I wasn't able to come back to this last night, so I'm really pleased to see the messages from others who can really help.

Tessiebear - It's interesting to read about "not looking people in the eye". I've a friend who often cannot look people in the eye due to a problem with a pressure in the eye(s). The specialist she saw could see that it was genuine. She feels a bit of a fool telling people about the problem and finds it easier not to mix at the school gates, but wait in the car. I also had a teacher who didn't look at us. We used to put a notice on the ceiling saying "We're down here!" Obviously, we didn't realise it was a genuine problem. I think your practice conversation thing is really good. I was pretty shy as a kid, living in a rural place and not going to the local school, not having friends come to play and I would've benefitted enormously from having some help with social skills. I just didn't know how to mix. Interesting thread.

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Tessiebear · 14/06/2004 09:57

Tiamaria -my DS wears glasses - even though he does not mind at all and has worn them since he was three (I also wear glasses) it could be that which makes him a bit self concious as well.

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tiamaria · 14/06/2004 10:10

Tessiebear -My dd (9) has had glasses for about a year. She asked just this morning if she could have contact lenses. I said, again, "Yes, when you're about 16" and she said that one girl in her class has them! I don't know if that's for medical reasons or what. My dd has had nice Harry Potter ones and the choice is so much nicer that the NHS ones I used to have! Have you found this, also?

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Tessiebear · 14/06/2004 10:17

Yes, DS has some really trendy glasses that are really lightweight. I cant imagine him without them because they have become part of him IYKWIM. He has a stigmatism (As i do ) and will always have to wear glasses/contact lenses.

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coppertop · 14/06/2004 10:27

Prune - I think if there's a medical reason for very bad handwriting, eg AS, dyspraxia etc then schools may be able to give extra help with this. In some cases this could mean providing a school laptop for homework, tests, exams etc so that the child isn't being penalised when no-one can read their handwriting. In other cases a sloping desk can make a big difference. Even if you decide not to go ahead with an assessment it may be worth asking your son's teacher about this kind of help.

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tiamaria · 15/06/2004 11:14

Tessiebear - My glasses are now part of me and part of dd, too! The optician tested ds first and then dd and said "I'm afraid that she takes after you!" I was the first one in my family to have glasses and felt a bit like the odd one out.

Coppertop - I'm interested to read your message. I hardly ever get to see my childrens' schoolwork and I've just realised that I haven't seen my ds' hand-writing for ages. (Dd writes at home all the time - often notes that she blu-tacks on her door saying who can come in and who can't!) My ds and dd have very little homework. I was concerned about ds' hand-writing a few years ago but I didn't want to confuse them by contradicting the way they are taught in school, so I left it alone. I'll take a look again before the open evening next month.

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