I can't seem to get to the root of it, but I'm sure something's worrying him.
He's 3.8. We had a really tough start to the year (2 deaths in the family, me with sever Hyperemesis, imminent arrival of the new baby, all mixed in with DS having Glue Ear, which we didn't realise and the poor boy was pretty much deaf in one ear). His behaviour spiralled quite badly, he became quite angry, lots of hitting and shouting etc. His baby sister then arrived early, with no warning, and he woke up one morning and found that DH and I had done a midnight flit to the hospital and grandma was waiting with him.
However, after baby DD came home, it was like a weight had been lifted and DS became a different child. Utterly besotted with the baby. He seemed really happy again so we put it all down to the stresses of the beginning of the year.
DD is now 9 weeks old and DS is starting to change again. He's bitten his nails so much his fingers are red. He's started grinding his teeth. Lots of tantrums / defiance (though this may be normal for his age). He keeps complaining of tummy aches. He says he hates nursery and battles getting dressed / ready, but as soon as he's dressed he's keen to go, runs in to his room with barely a glance back at me.
He has mentioned a few times that a particular child at nursery is mean to him. This surprised me and nursery are usually very on the ball with this sort of thing and deal with it swiftly. Parents are kept informed. DS says he's not told any of the staff because the other child "won't let him". I spoke to his key worker today, and she said she would keep an extra eye on things. DS is quite strong willed and often gets upset if another child won't do what he says (eg won't give him a toy if he demands it), so it could be that. Or it could be that's this child is picking on him. Or it could be something entirely different, I suppose.
How do you talk to a young child to find out exactly what's going on? His speech is good, but he's reluctant to discuss this with me. The nail biting / teeth grinding / tummy aches screams out that he's stressed, doesn't it? Should I take him to the GP? Any other suggestions?
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Behaviour/development
How can I figure out what's troubling 3YO DS?
BellaGoth · 12/10/2016 08:42
I've seen a couple of books recommended - The big bag of worries (or something like that?) and How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. I haven't actually read either of them bought one but haven't read it yet but saw your post and thought they might be helpful.
Also, have you tried talking to him at different times of day? I find DD (nearly 4) is most willing to talk about this kind of stuff at bedtime - I suspect mainly because she wants me to stay longer 
but also because she isn't distracted by other things she wants to do.
We're having an awful day today. He had a bad morning at nursery, throwing toys around, not listening, and slapping other children.
At home this afternoon, I put baby DD in her pram to sleep and sat down to play lego with DS. Within a couple of minutes he jumped up, ran to the pram and grabbed her head to wake DD. I told DS he needed to leave DD so she could sleep and we could play but he wouldn't leave her alone. By then DD was getting over tired and asking for a feed, so I sat down to feed her and DS grabbed her head and pulled her off me (which bloody hurt). I've had to shut him in his room just so I can feed the baby. I really can't keep on like this.
It's parents evening tonight and I'm utterly dreading it. 
oh dear. I've had similar horrendous days with DD so you have my sympathies.
Try not to worry too much about parents' evening. The teachers will have seen it all before, and worse, honestly. If they are decent teachers then their interest will be in working out what is going on and suggestions to improve things rather than blaming him or you. He's 3, he has a new sibling, these things happen. A lot!
Does he have "down time" after nursery - TV, looking at books for example? DD seems to need an hour or so of simply vegging out after lunch (or even a short nap some days). Only suggestion I can think of!
Well if it's what you usually say
Feed times are often the worse with new siblings I think ... as the older one just sees undivided attention given to the younger one.
Ok. Deep breath. You have absolutely not done anything wrong. And in the broader sense nor has he. He may just have something going on that he needs some help with, over and above the average child.
If he does there are numerous possibilities for what that is. So a diary is a very good idea to try to work out what sets off the bad days. Eg is it always when he's coming down with a cold? After bad sleep? On days when the nursery is especially busy and noisy? When he's felt excluded by the other kids (he'll have picked up on the other kids leaving him out and may be reacting, so you get a vicious circle ) That sort of thing.
How long's he been in nursery, and when did the aggressive behaviour start?
By the way, on the sibling thing, I found things really improved when my youngest hit about 4 months and started to respond to interaction from DD1.
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He's difficult every day, he'd be permanently drugged up! Don't tempt me
He's just walked up to DD as I was feeding her and dug his fingers into her face and yanked her off me again. Poor DD was absolutely howling. I've had to shut him in his room again just so I can feed her.
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