6 yr old nightmarish behaviour

[MBDBBB]

I'd really appreciate some advice. My 6.5 yo DS's behaviour is out of control. He is a bright boy and lovely and caring when he is in that sort of a mood but his temper is out if control. He flies off the handle and lashes out at the slightest thing, generally if he doesn't get his way. He is often violent towards me or DH and screams and shouts at the top if his voice. You can almost physically see the red mist descend and once he's started he can't calm down enough to reason with him.

As well as this, we have a really hard time getting him to do what we ask if him. Pretty typical I guess of a six year old to an extent but it is embarrassing in public when he refuses to cooperate. He gets really over excited and overdoes it. It has reached a point when we hesitate to take him places. When he is of a mind to behave he is lovely. He gets on really well with other children and he doesn't behave like it at school.

We have tried reward charts etc which worked for a time but then didn't. Our current approach is to allow him 6 chances in a day and if he uses them all up he loses his extra half our stay up which he loves as it means he's going to bed later than his sister. However if he gets to that point, he then goes into total meltdown and can't accept the consequences at all, despite the warnings.

It's worth saying that my DD doesn't behave like this at all. She is strong willed but can always be reasoned with-and she's 3.5! She has started picking up on his poor example though which worries me,

I don't know what to do. I feel like we've tried everything! I feel like I'm constantly on edge with him and I hate it because I know he's such a lovely boy underneath it all.

Sorry for rambling!

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It's possible, especially with children who seem defiant, that what's really happening is that they're reacting negatively to your entire system of rewards and punishments because they feel you're using love withdrawal to manipulate them. it's really a very good book -- many parents I know have used its principles to really rework relationships with formerly "difficult" children.

[MBDBBB]

Thank you I'll take a look at that. It's a good point. Its so hard to know what approach to take.