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Adult daughter problems - advice needed

13 replies

Toocleverbyhalf2 · 27/09/2016 15:44

I'm new here so please feel free to repost elsewhere.
I'm 50 and have 3 adult children and 1 child (10 yo) and one grandchild, but it's my only daughter that I'm having major problems with.
I look after my grandson all weekend, every weekend as she works & runs a business. I also have him on a weekday overnight so that she can work a late night, then she stays at her boyfriend's house & picks up the GS in the morning for school. This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement as my GS doesn't see his father due to drug issues & he used to have him. This 'temporary' arrangement has been going on for about a year and I'm exhausted, I'm also bringing up my own child on my own and I have several health issues that I'm struggling with. I have mental health problems that leave me feeling quite isolated, so I found an evening class I would like to do, but the only one I want to do is on the evening I have my grandson overnight. When I told my daughter this, her response was to say that it's a shame it's on that evening, implying that it's my job to childmind her son, even though I'd asked a neighbour to have my son ( she can't have both of them). It's also true of activities for my son, he's given up Saturday morning football because it was a pain to always have to arrange it around my grandson.
I feel like I've spent my whole life bringing up kids: my responsibility is to my own son. I have no life, she does & it's really getting to me. Every time I bring up the subject she says she'll sort it but never does, then I feel guilty because my mother never helped me & I don't want to be like her. I feel taken for granted, especially as she now has a boyfriend & any social activities that happen are with the new boyfriend & his son. I know that might sound like I'm jealous ( I'm not, she was very needy with me before he came along, and it's a bit of a relief that he's picked up the slack a bit lol), but I just feel that I'm being taken for granted. I have my son all the time ( he can't see his father due to domestic violence issues) and I feel old and knackered and isolated. How do I tell her to sort it out without feeling guilty? I'm at my wits end and feeling more and more depressed.
Thanks for any input.

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VioletBam · 27/09/2016 15:48

You have to tell her "As of next week, I won't be looking after X overnight any longer so you won't be able to stay overnight at your boyfriend's"

That simple. You can't keep doing this. She works all these hours she can PAY for childcare!

Don't ask her to sort it as you say....tell her that the party's over.

She's taking the mick!

You're doing enough without her lovely little quiet night at her boyfriends being YOUR responsibility.

If it helps, give her two weeks notice. Tell her...clearly...that as of X date, you won't be at home on that night so overnights are not happening.

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ayeokthen · 27/09/2016 15:48

Sorry if this sounds harsh but your daughter is using the fact that you feel guilty to manipulate you into free childcare. Her own wee brother has to compromise because of her attitude and she can't see that you are entitled to a break or a life of your own? Unbelievably selfish of her, and really quite unfair. Just tell her she'll need to get childcare some of the time, and that's that.

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Fairylea · 27/09/2016 15:48

Wow all weekend every weekend and one night during the week?! It's practically shared parenting!

Give her a cut off date and stick to it. You don't have to have him so much to be a good and helpful grandparent. She is taking advantage.

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Toocleverbyhalf2 · 27/09/2016 15:51

Thanks for your replies. She's just text me to ask me to have my grandson after school so she can get her hair cut!!
Deep breath, I'm going in. Wish me luck!

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Toocleverbyhalf2 · 27/09/2016 15:53

She earns a fortune too! You're right, enough to pay for childcare.

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Toocleverbyhalf2 · 27/09/2016 15:54

Not harsh at all, you're 100% right. Thank you.

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CodyKing · 27/09/2016 15:57

Hair appointment are very rarely last minute

Say no - no I can't do Tuesday's any more

No I'm going out Saturday

No DS wants to do football club

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ayeokthen · 27/09/2016 15:58

I just think that you should be able to have a relationship with your grandson that doesn't mean your life or your DS 10s life is compromised in terms of what you're able to do. She very much sounds like she's taking advantage of your good nature. Hope you get it sorted OP.

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Toocleverbyhalf2 · 27/09/2016 16:12

I've just spoken to her & naturally she acted like a petulant child, saying she'll sort it. God knows how but I'm past caring lol.
Thanks everyone, you gave me the strength to do it. Now I'm going to register for the evening class & put my son back into football on Saturdays before I feel guilty .......