Please can anyone help - I feel like my relationship with my 8 yr old DS is breaking down

[Trickymoments]

I'm feeling really low this evening after yet another difficult day with my DS who is almost 9. I feel like I am constantly moaning at him due to his behaviour. He is selfish, thinks of no-one else but himself, is mean to his little sister and is rude & unhelpful to me. He can be nice & there are no issues at all at school. He wouldn't dare speak to his teacher the way he talks to me!
I feel like we've been too soft bringing him up and this is now the result. He doesn't respect us, he moans if I ask him to do the slightest little thing to help & won't do it for e.g if he didn't put it there, or it's not his cup, plate etc..
He has no respect for me being the grown up, so if I say to go his room or turn off the tv etc he just says no. I then have to countdown to another threat of punishment to make him do it.

I am exhausted with it and actually feel like I'm starting to resent him. I feel like I've failed massively as a mother that he doesn't show even basic manners or respect in our house.

I work part time everyday and am home to pick him and dd up from school but recently I've felt like just sending him to the after school club which he would hate. He doesn't appreciate a single thing in this family and I'm at the end of my tether with it, I just don't know what to do.

I have a chronic health condition and some days I struggle to even get a meal on the table, then when I do I get moaned at - all he wants to eat is pasta & pizza. My condition tires me out and hurts my joints and this added stress doesn't help at all.

Please can anyone advise anything I & DH can do to improve this situation? DH is away this weekend and I'm sat here crying after another shit day feeling that I have no relationship with my son, who I do love dearly.

[GratedCarrotStick]

I have no words of advice but wanted to offer a hand hold. I'm feeling similarly with my ds although he is only 4. Everything is a constant battle and arguement just met with cheek and back talk.

[Trickymoments]

Thank you Grated, sorry you're finding things hard too.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi there, we're moving this over to our Behaviour/Development topic at the OP's request.

Tricky, hopefully some other kind Mumsnetters will be along soon to offer you more advice and support.

[BlasianFashionista]

I couldn't read and run, I would just like to say you haven't failed as a mother so please don't think you have.

Have you tried sitting him down and telling him how his behaviour is making you feel?

[aquawoman]

I would explain to him exactly what you've said here.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Sounds like a typical 8 yo! Your whole life is making you tired and you're focusing on his behaviour way too much. Is everything else perfect? No of course it's, not so maybe if you cut him a bit of slack and start being friendly towards him he may respond. Boys are more physical than girls (all that testosterone) and if you're comparing his behaviour to that of your angelic DD he's always going to be the loser.

[SpareASquare]

Boys are more physical than girls (all that testosterone) and if you're comparing his behaviour to that of your angelic DD he's always going to be the loser

Such BS. I loathe the whole "Oh, boys will be boys" excuse for poor behaviour. Lazy and harmful.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time OP but the fact that you are reaching out is a good thing :)
I find that what works for me is clear and consistent boundaries. I will not be yelled at or spoken AT and if you want to try it, be prepared for the consequences. I never yell but I follow through every time calmly and consistently. For the most part it works well. Hopefully you'll get some good advice but, most importantly, don't beat yourself up. You want things to be better and you're taking steps to make it so

[Rio2016GB]

I'll second mycraneisfixed. ..... typical 8 year old behaviour. However I find sitting down and listening to DS is useful. We can then agree some boundaries and rules.

I also get comfort that he behaves well generally for other people and school and saves the horridness all for me

Good luck I'm sure some other awful behaviour will top trump this with time

[Confusednotcom]

My DC had wilful moments and me getting cross or setting punishments just caused resentment : I was mirroring her upset and she was never going to calm down before me!
Try to stop raising your voice when you talk to him - be calm and basically model the good behaviour you want from him. My dcs don't shout at me and I think it's cause I don't shout at them. When you feel like shouting, instead try really lowering your voice, they then have to be quiet to hear what you're saying, and very firmly say whatever it is. Equally pick your battles wisely - and remember all kids go through hormone driven phases where they're a bit out of control of their emotions and you're better off cutting them some slack.
Please don't think you are inevitably heading for an awful relationship, your son loves you as much as you love him!
I used to ask my dc what she thought we could do about it when we argued about stuff (my advice is based on trial and error) and she loved being engaged in solving the problem with me rather than feeling as though she was the problem

[Confusednotcom]

Re boys vs girls debate: I think all kids need telling right from wrong but boys do play differently to girls. This is obviously a generalisation but feel free to be offended

[Mycraneisfixed]

Re the lowering your voice advice. Many years ago I had a teacher training placement in a primary school in a notoriously rough area and the class teacher had total control. All she did was wait for silence and then when they realised she was waiting the the kids went quiet. She then spoke in a very quiet and clear voice. It was amazing! I did try to emulate her teaching delivery but failed

[Confusednotcom]

How are things today OP?