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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Found my 8 year old trying to search for sexual

21 replies

LoveMyRs · 20/09/2016 22:40

Please help. I am freaking out!!!
I took the phone from my 8years old daughter to my surprise i found in search the word "sexul" she probably was trying sexual.
I was shocked i am so not ready for that
When i looked at her i could see that she knew it was wrong.
I asked her calmly where did she hear this from and she said her friend told her about it
Then i asked what did she said and she told me that her friend said that its when 2 ppl have sex. I asked what does that mean? She said I don't know.
I asked why she was searching for it and she explained that she was trying to see what it actually mean because she didn't understand what her friend was talking about.
I stayed calm and that wasn't easy for me and i told her when u need to know anything just come to me and ask me, what ever it is i am not going to be angry and i just want her to be honest and feel that she can talk about everything.
I asked her if she have any questions she said no.
Am i over reacting? Is it normal for 8 years old to talk about this at school.
She said her friend know what it means but she told her that she doesn't want to know because when she heard the word she felt that its a bad word and she said that another friend agreed that they shouldn't talk about it.
I asked why she felt its bad she said I don't know i just felt puzzled and I didn't understand but felt weird.
What am I supposed to say when she start asking more? What does sex mean for an 8 year old

OP posts:

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Gymnopedies · 21/09/2016 12:14

It's when 2 people (a mum and a dad) make a baby?
There are more complexities but she probably doesn't need to know yet. I would not say it's bad, just that it's for adults.

LoveMyRs · 21/09/2016 17:52

Good idea. But won't she ask how does that happen?

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 21/09/2016 19:52

The dad puts a seed in the mum's tummy (which already contain an egg if you want to be more accurate, the baby is the result, he has both parents genetic material and grows in the mum's tummy).
But there is probably a book at the library that would explain it better?

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/09/2016 19:55

Why don't you stop freaking out and just tell her the simple truth?
Mibd you I think you have left it too late as her friends have already told her.

Wolpertinger · 21/09/2016 19:59

Doesn't she know already at 8?

This was about the age every one learnt in the playground at my school and that was in the 80s!

You need to crack on with a proper explanation as she is already learning rubbish from friends and in the 80s we weren't going to find porn on our phones either.

roseteapot101 · 21/09/2016 20:03

just say its a special cuddle mummys and daddys do to make babys

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/09/2016 20:07

just say its a special cuddle mummys and daddys do to make babys
Given that I know of a few 8 year olds who have started puberty and one who has started her periods, I don't think a schmaltzy explanation is in anyway helpful.

panad317 · 21/09/2016 20:10

Well done for staying calm OP, as you wouldn't want her to think that this is something she's not allowed to talk about.
At this age "a seed in mummy's tummy" is not appropriate. Tell her to ask you questions or if she wants to know something you will tell her. Praise her on questioning. "That's a good question" instead of "why do you want to know?"
At 8, you can use the terms penis amd vagina, she should've done some work on this in year 2 already so will know more than you think!
Also at this age, you can tell her that people have sex as it makes them happy, not just to make a baby.

Wallywobbles · 21/09/2016 20:11

My DD first asked questions at 5 from playground discussion. Don't dress it up give the poor girl some facts. Sex Ed in France starts when they are 10. There's so much available material.

LoveMyRs · 21/09/2016 20:13

I didn't freakout in front of her and i said you can ask me anything and i can tell you all you need to know
But then i said do you have any questions? She said no
I was a lot older when I learned about sex

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 21/09/2016 20:14

Is it right though to equate sex only with making a baby?

GladAllOver · 21/09/2016 20:15

Is it right though to equate sex only with making a baby?

GladAllOver · 21/09/2016 20:15

Sorry for duplicate.

MostlyHet · 21/09/2016 20:18

I think DS was about 8 when he asked me about the mechanics. He knew that babies happened when the woman's half of the baby ingredients and the men's half got mixed together - he'd known that since toddler-hood, hence the use of the word "ingredients", but wanted to know how the sperm got in there (he was worried you had to cut a hole in the woman's tummy!) I think the conversation was sparked off by seeing an un-neutered dog. Anyway, I explained to him, he looked rather shocked and said "I'm NEVER doing that!" (Which I think is a fairly typical 8 year old reaction ). The subject's come up a few more times since then - I stress that it's nice, but only to be done if you both want to and like each other very much, that it's something only grown ups should do, and if he never wants to do it that's fine.

BTW, age 8 they'll be taught a lot of anatomy in school. DS came home after one of his lessons and said "you know how willies sometimes get stiff? Well, there's a bit of a girl's body that can do the same." Me: "Clitoris?" "Yes, that was the word. Have we got any chocolate biscuits?" So unless you're planning on pulling your DD out of sex ed lessons, you might as well explain these things yourself at home. And all the research seems to show that the earlier and better sex education is - including the emotional part - the later teens tend to leave things before having sex for the first time. It gives them the information and confidence to say "actually I'm not ready yet."

Anyway, good luck OP. It's quite a shock to the system first time they ask. But I do think honesty is the best policy.

SuperManStoleMyPants · 21/09/2016 20:20

I have always just checked out a good factual book from the library aimed at the child's age and then taken the time to read it together and answer any questions. It's only a big deal if you make it so. The last child was 6 when the questions were asked, due to older siblings and sex ed. He took it all in and moved on.

NightNightBadger19962 · 21/09/2016 20:23

And do tell her ' its best not to google words like that you're not sure about, because I don't want you seeing things you're not ready for until you're grown up - a bit like not watching 18 rated films'

MostlyHet · 21/09/2016 20:26

Oh, and following up from NightNight's post - make sure you have internet filters set up (though totally agree, first line of defence is saying "think before you google" - talking to your kids is much more effective than relying on technology).

(Now that's the talk I'm dreading... the porn on people's smartphones at school talk. Oh god. Goes off to rock in a corner whimpering.)

LoveMyRs · 21/09/2016 20:34

Thats exactly what i said don't google stuff am here when u need to know anything
I think i need to get a book for her age
I am scared that if i said you are too young to see this or not allowed then she will want it more i was a bit like that if my mum said no then i must do it somehow

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 21/09/2016 20:37

Has she had internet safety lessons at school yet? My ds has done a bit in year 2 (he's 6).

We have told ds about the mechanics of sex as he asked and wasn't buying the special cuddle line. He was fine - I framed it within the context of two people who like each other very much and they love each other then want babies etc.

So get a book and leave her to read it and for her to come to you with questions? Maybe get one that's aimed at slightly younger children if you feel more comfortable.

RockinHippy · 21/09/2016 20:42

Unfortunately you are being pretty naive in thinking DCs don't have any interest in sex etc at this age, this is the age they become curious & its far better for both you & DD if you just embrace that & give her age appropriate info - but proper age appropriate info, not babyfied info. They start sex ed in year 5 anyway & allowing your DD to feel she can ask you anything & you wont patronise her now with babyish replies will set the foundations for how comfortable she is coming to you when she is older

I can recommend...

This Book

& Linda Madras - Ready, Set, Grow (Girls)

Both are pretty age appropriate for an 8/9 year old

Good luck

Chinnygirl · 21/09/2016 20:47

She is 8. She should know by now that babies come from mummys belly and that men have seeds and women have eggs. You are reacting very very strange to this. It is healthy for children to be inquisitive and have some basic understanding at this age. She doesnt want to do it, she just wants to know what the word means.

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