Do you feel guilty after shouting/disciplining your kids?

(33 Posts)
twirlywoo69 Mon 19-Sep-16 17:35:10

My toddler poured apple juice into her dolls mouth (it went all over carpet) I asked her to stop twice but she continued doing it, so I shouted at her and she started with a tantrum. I sent her to the naughty step telling her in an angry tone that she is VERY naughty and left her on the step to cry. After a while she started really, really sobbing so I went to her and she looked so upset and I just felt so bad. She is approaching 3 so I want to discipline her more as usually she gets away with too much as I avoid being really mad with her , but I just end up feeling really cruel and it doesn't feel natural to be angry with her. I've ended up giving big cuddles on sofa as I feel awful making her so upset. Any tips?

hardtopinpoint Mon 19-Sep-16 17:44:27

I think you should do that, you're exactly right!

If I shout I apologise afterwards and explain I am tired, grouchy, whatever. Doesn't change the fact of their misbehaviour but I acknowledge I could have dealt with it better.

If I have calmly told them off and they're upset i don't apologise for having disciplined them, as I wasn't at fault simply for stopping them misbehaving.

So, to be direct, if you haven't dealt with them well, apologise. It's important to admit your mistakes.

hardtopinpoint Mon 19-Sep-16 17:45:36

Oh I wouldn't bother with the he naughty step. As well as being cumbersome a toddler is too little to understand It.

Just say no and remove the danger/juice/whatever. Does the trick.

twirlywoo69 Mon 19-Sep-16 17:50:44

Thanks guys. Yeah maybe naughty step is a bit pointless. Just saw it on supernanny loads and it always seem to work. Yeah maybe just remove juice/toy is better.

hardtopinpoint Mon 19-Sep-16 18:54:35

At that age, toddlers find being on the step and away from you distressing. I find it solves nothing, and the original issue gets lost in the subsequent crying.

Artandco Mon 19-Sep-16 18:57:03

Yep, I'm rubbish. I rarely tell them off more than a feeble ' please don't do that because xyz'. Otherwise I'm more upset than they are

twirlywoo69 Mon 19-Sep-16 19:16:06

I know the importance of discipline but find it hard as I'm a very gentle person by nature. I don't even feel angry or cross when I should be which isn't good.

Believeitornot Mon 19-Sep-16 21:16:41

Yes I feel guilty. I've started reading a book called calm parent and calm child as it just seemed to get me down. Mine are 6&4. We all end up feeling shit after I've shouted and over reacted. It's helping me calm down a bit.

cestlavielife Mon 19-Sep-16 21:30:10

Your toddler wasnt being naughty was she. . she was playing with her doll...
Take juice away show her it makes a mess...show her how to pretend feed and move on.

Highlove Mon 19-Sep-16 21:47:13

Good timing, OP. I've had a hideous day with my 2.6 year old and this evening I'm feeling shitty about how badly I've handled her basically being a two year old.

It's less about her doing things I don't want (although that certainly happens!) and more about not doing the things I DO want. So e.g. she won't let me help her put her shoes on at the moment but won't put them on herself and we needed to go out. Likewise cardigan, coat, etc. Getting dressed/undressed is hugely stressful.

Took her and her bike to the park this afternoon. The six minute walk back to the car took 30+ minutes while she faffed about stopping, looking at things, dawdling, etc. (I'll not mention the riding off in the other direction thinking it was hilarious.) I asked her about 70 million times to hurry up, explained why we needed to get home, etc. I got so stressed that I got cross with her then I cried for the third time today because I'm so frustrated with her. (I also have a 6 week old which isn't helping.) I even threatened to leave her bike at the park. blush Stupid - she's bright enough to know that wouldn't have happened. I'

So - anyone got any tips on this?!

thescruffiestgiantintown Mon 19-Sep-16 23:14:22

I definitely wouldn't shout at my toddler, tell her she's naughty or use a naughty step. So yeah I'd feel very guilty if I did any of those things! She was playing...

In that situation I'd have simply set her up in the bathtub and given her water, while explaining that apple juice is sticky, we don't waste food and drink, etc.

It's all about having age appropriate expectations no?

Highlove toddlers dawdle, they're exploring the world. I just wonder if the dawdling would've bothered you as much before your baby was born? Because I went through a stage when my baby was very little of getting quite stressed about my toddler dawdling, mainly because I didn't want to end up sitting on the side of the road breastfeeding (yet again...) But now baby is a bit older I'm back to enjoying watching toddler find interesting leaves, puddles, etc.

In terms of the getting dressed etc - 99% of the time if I explain where we're going and build in plenty of time to get dressed (and I mean plenty - so we can play, read books etc as we go) then there aren't problems. Sometimes I use games (eg pretending to be a sock that's desperate to go on DD's foot/singing toothbrush/etc)

If there's a day when she's really not cooperating and we really have to be somewhere then I just say something like "I wish we had more time. Today I'm going to get you dressed. I'm sorry if that makes you feel upset" and then I just do it.

So in short - time, realism, fun, redirection, empathy.

thescruffiestgiantintown Mon 19-Sep-16 23:16:55

And Highlove go easy on yourself, you have a 6 week old flowers

thescruffiestgiantintown Mon 19-Sep-16 23:19:35

OP I'm worried my post sounds a bit harsh. If you're a gentle person by nature then step away from Supernanny and look for discipline methods that suit you. I love Janet Lansbury and she has loads of free podcasts. A Ha Parenting is also great and sends out free daily emails.

panad317 Mon 19-Sep-16 23:21:27

Agree with PPs, she wasn't being naughty. Hate that word! Did she understand why you asked her to stop twice? Did you explain to her why you wanted her to stop?

hardtopinpoint Tue 20-Sep-16 08:58:01

I'd tell mine she was being naughty if she was being naughty.

Not stopping after being asked to twice is naughty

Artandco Tue 20-Sep-16 09:03:41

Hard - but feeding baby apple juice isn't naughty is it? Just saying no doesn't really help. Explaining its sticky and making floor wet, then guiding to using water once they have put a towel on the floor is more helpful as then they can copy for next time

panad317 Tue 20-Sep-16 09:10:07

Agree with you artandco in a 2 year old's mind, she wasn't doing anything wrong, so why should she stop playing, she was having fun!
Some parents think that name calling and saying "no" or "stop" is enough to make the child understand. Clearly not if she didn't stop after being asked twice.

Highlove Tue 20-Sep-16 09:20:29

Thanks scruffiestgiant - you're totally right that my lack of patience is baby-related! I'd already had to stop once to breastfeed and didn't want to again, hence my rush. I get that it's my issue though. She's in nursery today so chance for me to recharge my batteries a bit!

OP, sorry for the hijack.

babyboomersrock Tue 20-Sep-16 09:23:31

The six minute walk back to the car took 30+ minutes while she faffed about stopping, looking at things, dawdling, etc. (I'll not mention the riding off in the other direction thinking it was hilarious.) I asked her about 70 million times to hurry up, explained why we needed to get home, etc

Allow 30 minutes next time, then - toddlers need to dawdle and look at things. It's good for them. Or, if it is a real emergency, grab her and bike, and run - this means planning ahead and leaving two hands free, which not always easy with a baby (sling, rather than pram?). Or leave the bike behind until she understands not to ride off in the opposite direction.

OP - as other posters have said, just tell your toddler we don't put real juice into the doll's mouth, and remove it quietly - show her what to do instead. Shouting and getting cross will just encourage your dc to shout and get cross.

Supernanny is a lot of nonsense - the idea of toddlers being made to sit on steps and make pretend apologies afterwards is ridiculous. Makes good tv though.

For things like getting them dressed and out of the door quickly, I perfected a line in brisk/cheerful/incessant chat about what we were going to do later - no chance for them to interrupt, never mind object grin.

Finally, calling a small child naughty is pointless - what do you think it achieves? Is it shaming her into good behaviour? Discipline isn't about shouting, anger and name-calling - it only works (in my experience) if you remain calm, quiet and firm.

Paulat2112 Tue 20-Sep-16 09:28:07

Disciplining - no I don't feel guilty. Shouting - yes I do as its not a nice thing to shout or be angry with your children. I'm not a saint, I do shout, but am actively trying not to as getting to the point where I'm so angry that I shout isn't good for anyone. Also I don't say my kids are naughty or bad, sometimes they do naughty things or bad things but they are not bad children and I don't want them to think they are a bad child.

2littlepiggies Tue 20-Sep-16 09:35:41

Next time say the behaviour is naughty, not her.

thescruffiestgiantintown Tue 20-Sep-16 11:15:55

"Supernanny is a lot of nonsense - the idea of toddlers being made to sit on steps and make pretend apologies afterwards is ridiculous. Makes good tv though."

Hear hear!

cestlavielife Tue 20-Sep-16 17:53:56

Think about the behaviour a bit more..is it exploring learning
..maybe needs redirecting ?
Explain and show. Bit of mess is natural .

She is two not wilfully being naughty...

Save shouts for immediate danger eg running into the road etc.

Tippytoes13 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:18:00

I've dealt with things badly so many times, I think we all have, it's harder when you have a baby too, as the tiredness makes you less tolerable to things. I would have removed the juice too, but you've dealt with it and she most certainly won't hold it against you.

bananafish Wed 21-Sep-16 13:16:37

I really like the book called toddler taming. It is really sensible and explains why they are doing what they are doing and how to re direct behaviour you don't want into something positive.

I wouldn't ever call them naughty, though. Sorry; not being mean, but I do think that's kind of going down the wrong track. She was playing, not trying to piss you off, and she didn't understand what you wanted her to do. Just take away without a fuss and give her something else that isn't going to make a mess. That way she can learn what to do next time, and it's much easier for you in the long run smile

I hate shouting at my children. It makes me feel rubbish. I get it wrong and lose the plot sometimes - don't we all - but I always apologise sincerely and say that I will try better next time. It's good modelling, no? And it makes me laugh when they parrot it back at me when they've done something they shouldn't be doing.

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