Anger management issues with 4.5 yr old

(4 Posts)
user1474295040 Mon 19-Sep-16 15:41:21

We are a military family and have moved a fair amount in the last couple of years. From Germany to UK in 2014 then 2015 to India and then this summer to Canada. My 4.5 year old has always been "spirited" and went through a very bad biting and scratching phase but seems to be better. I have noticed in the last year she gets incredibly frustrated and throws mega tantrums when she hits me and scratches and screams going puce in the face and screaming. She shouts things like she will throw me in the dustbin and I am mean and she will cut off my head and I am ugly. I have tried everything from being patient and cuddles to downright furious and putting in her bedroom even the odd smack but nothing seems to work and it is getting worse. She often takes out her frustrations on her younger sister who is 2 which I hate and what troubles me is the younger one is picking up on this abysmal behaviour and so I am desperate to get her to stop. I have just found a part time job and so employed an au pair for the first time which is wonderful as the children will then learn German from her and me but after just one week the au pair sounds like she wants to leave and she says she cannot cope with collecting the 4 yard old as she kicks up such a fuss and takes off her seat belt and I think she is terrified of her. I feel so ashamed and miserable about the situation which is sad as was so excited about finding some work and getting some extra money coming in. I know all 4 year olds throw tantrums but I have never seen anything like her behaviour in the last week and I am at a loss what to do. My husband wants to take away her dummies and get strict but I also think she has been through a lot of upheaval and things like that should wait until she has been in school a little longer and calmed down but then am I spoiling her to make up for all the upheaval? Apparently she never behaves like this in school and so clearly just stores it up for with me and at home. I am going to have to cancel or move her extra-curricular activities now and put her in after school care until my husband can collect her as the au pair says she can't cope. I wish i could get her to see how destructive her behaviour is and that she is the one loosing out but she is only 4! I am also worried that putting her in to after school care at school might make things worse as she will feel "rejected"! I am going to start up a rewards for good behaviour chart again but it did not really work last time. I think she needs some counselling or anger management courses or something but I just wondered if anyone had any tips for helping her cope or suggestions of what I can do as it is driving us all bonkers and making for a very unhappy household.

thebehaviourfairy Tue 20-Sep-16 13:36:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user1474295040 Tue 20-Sep-16 17:27:10

Can't see any message from thebeahviourfairy?

PippiLongstromp Sat 24-Sep-16 19:35:00

Hi, it sounds really hard, you must feel so drained. I'm reading a book right now called '10 days to a less defiant child', although I'm not finished it is really good and sounds like it might be right for you too, there are very similar things described. My 3.5 year old gets very angry also, recently we have been trying to engage with her more in general, show respect for her point of view (however unreasonable), and to make her/show her how to calm herself down in her room and it seems to work. But I think there are different things that work for different kids, that's why the book is so good. Anyway, keep looking for help and advice, and be willing to challenge yourself also, I am sure you will turn a corner sooner or later.

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