Struggling with DS1's behaviour (13 yo)

[whataboutbob]

DS1 has always been a handful.As a toddler big tantrums, took ages to settle at night then aggression towards DS2 when he arrived . Difficulty focusing, antagonising teachers by playing the clown and disrupting classes. It;s continued in this vein and now we are also facing big dependency on mobile phone (games, texting friends- it will go on until phone is removed from his hands, he can't self limit his use). School work is affected because of the amount of time on the phone.
It came to a head today when he did not pick up DS2 from school (we both work and it is part of his pocket money that he picks up twice a week, we had explicitely asked him to do so this morning). He just texted DH from a friend's house and said he wouldn 't be picking him up, DH had to leave a meeting to go to the school.
Mobile phone has now been confiscated, cue meltdown including "I'm going to kill myself`" (we are not worried he will). He's being suspiciously
well behaved at present but I'm anticipating another big scene tomorrow when he asks for phone and it's refused. I'm going to grovel to the school so DS2 can get into studio club.
Any advice on how to manage his behaviour so he listens better and quite frankly, so he is easier to manage, the level of firmness required etc would be welcome. I'll just add that I have always made time to talk to DS1, reassure him he is loved, listen to his issues etc. One of his leitmotivs is I love DS2 more.

[VioletBam]

I can only advise that you don't ask him to collect DS anymore at all. I had this happen as the child who was being picked up and my brother was awful to me the entire time....he also used to not turn up or when he was dropping me off, he'd be really early so I was alone in the playground.

It's quite obvious DS cannot be trusted and so it's not fair on your younger son.

I'm glad you're trying to sort out a club for him...I would ensure there's something in place for both days.

In terms of the phone banning, I totally think you're doing the right thing and for such a bad thing I think a week's ban is fair.

I would also limit his time on screens generally. I noticed a vast improvement in DD aged 12 when I made sure she was off screens by 8.30pm nightly.

She's free to read or draw but no phone.

[whataboutbob]

Thank you violet. it's reassuring to know we had already done what you suggest. Mobile phone has been taken away. The school's studio club is taking DS2 on monday and tuesday, DH & I are doing pick up on the other 3 days. DS1 is behaving a lot better, probably partly because he wants his phone back but I can't help thinking also because his brain isn't constantly, addictively distracted by it. He's exceptionally going to be allowed it next tuesday because he's helping out with an evening event at his school. I told DH I'm all for keeping it till half term.
Thanks again for taking the time to post.