8yo behaviour issues, desperately need advise please!

(3 Posts)
Feellikerubbish Mon 12-Sep-16 11:15:09

I have read a recent previous post that is very similar with slight differences but desperately need some advise please! So sorry this is so long! There was no way of making it shorter sad

My 8 year old son as a baby was always clingy, slightly late with speech and moaned a lot. He had always seemed to struggle more than his peers with sharing and in social situations. He has since come out of his she'll massively.

He goes through periods of skin biting on his fingers ever since he started reception. I think he does it when hes bored or worried.

At school he has a small group of friends he is closed to. At 8 now, I am still struggling to make him understand about sharing and being kind. HE seems very selfish and wants everything his way or he gets angry and very rude. Example would be he would wake up first and watch TV when it's meant to be his sisters tv morning as they share, and when she wakes up he'd refuse to let her have her go and when I day she can take his go tomorrow, he will get very angry. He also seems very selfish spiteful, he had a friend with us last week and they both played on the ps4, when it was his friends turn who wanted to use his headset to talk with their other friend who was playing, he took the headset off so he couldn't have a go.

Computer games and screens has always been a problem. We have tried for 2 years now to take games away when he misbehaves but he still doesn't seem to understand the consequences and will continue to keep making the same mistakes. He has given up playing with lego or anything during the day and just want ps4, watch TV or play on my phone, all which we restrict all the time so each day is a battle to keep him engaged with other activities. He gets aggressive when he doesn't get his way and teases his little sister whenever he feels like it. I have also tried over a short period to let him have tv and games whenever he wanted hoping he'd get bored but it just made him play more and not want to come off even more!

He doesn't seem to understand other people's feelings. I have tried explaining that how he treats someone a certain way is not nice and that if that happened to him, wouldn't he feel sad and his response is always "it wouldn't bother me" or "I don't care".

If I asked him not to touch something then he will, he doesn't think of consequences.

His face is 80%of the day miserable unless he is ding something he likes. We can do every thing his way most of the day and the moment we do something for us, he'd moan. He just doesn't see that he should share!

He was the first kid on both sides of the family so admittedly he was very spoilt as a baby and toddler and used to getting his way. Add to this the arrival of his sister when he was nearly 5, added to it some jealousy. At school, none of the teachers have ever raised any concerns and they say ge doesn't behave the way I describe at school which suggests it not to be aspergers or adhd as they reckon kids with aspergers /adhd would not be able to control it and the behaviour would be similar at school and at home. When I ask my son why does he behave at school and not at home, he says he gets in trouble at school!

The situation at home: I am terrible when it comes to cosistency and I often speak too fast without thinking and ban him from games then regret it afterwards and when I see him behave then I give in and give it back yet sometimes I can be really good at keeping to what I say and I know this is a problem in terms of discipline.

Me and his dad live together but not always very happily, we sometimes bicker, very r early argue and never fight but the chemistry between us is gone and we are not blissfully happy. We have slightly different ways of parenting, while he rarely plays and gets frustrated with our kids education and thinks they need to be pushed to succeed, I am more playful and relaxed and believe that less pushing works better as I was pushed and had very strict parents and I rebelled in my teens. Every time I speak to my partner about my struggles, he just points his finger at me and blames me for everything so I'm on my own... When I get upset of frustrated, I Don tend to raise my voice which my partner keeps telling does not help our son. So I am in a constant battle with myself to keep my voice down.

I have spoken to an educational psychologist (drop in session) who said that some of his behaviour is very normal at this age and that it's hard to diagnose now. I was concern and am still concerned about aspergers. I don't think he has adhd. The educationalpsychologist said he own daughter had similar issues around that age but turned out to be a well behaved happy teen.

Are there any parenting coaches out there I could perhaps get help and support with parenting? Does anyone have similar issues before and their kids have turned out not having aspergers or adhd? Is it normal at this age/pushing boundaries or does it sound like I should try to get a diagnosis/seek help? Advise would be much appreciated!!

Feellikerubbish Mon 12-Sep-16 11:20:16

I have just read this thread and my son is just like this! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2601041-Im-concerned-about-DSs-behaviour-Should-I-be-worried-or-am-I-overreacting

VioletBam Mon 12-Sep-16 12:39:47

They reckon kids with aspergers /adhd would not be able to control it and the behaviour would be similar at school and at home

This is a false belief, Many kids with Aspergers are excellent at hiding their symptoms at school. It's called Masking.

However what you describe here seems less like Asperger's and more like anxiety.

If there are a lot of rows at home, this could be part of the problem. His nail biting indicates some stress at least.

I think you're right to look at an outside agency for help but rather than parenting coaching, I'd look at family counselling maybe....or couples counselling to begin with.

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