I have struggled with DD for a while, and we seem to go round in circles. When she was a toddler she was very difficult and I did a parenting course. My marriage broke up soon after and I have been bringing her up on my own since. Contact with her father has dwindled over the years, to the point that he now sees her randomly every few weeks, with no contact in between. He has made it quite clear that he will not contact her more often despite me asking him to. I no longer ask him. He has a new family now (OW).
The school have been involved and DD has attended the THRIVE programme and the school have been certain that her problems have been caused by the lack of contact with her father. They were also involved, and he attended some meetings, but failed to take on board anything they were saying so it was a waste of time. They stressed that she needed regular contact but he just won't do it.
So that is the background.. DD's behaviour is now such that I just can't cope with it any more. On a daily basis, she is rude, defiant, angry, frustrated. She hates things being out of routine, she has friends, but struggles to make friends in her own class at school. She was doing ok by the end of last term, but is now struggling again at school. School are unable to provide any further assistance and have suggested that I go to see the doctor, on my own initially, then with DD. They have also suggested contact SS, not because I am doing anything wrong, but to get support.
I have never had any dealings with SS and have only read bad things on here once they get involved, so am reluctant to go down that road. I think that there is "something wrong" with her for want of a better phrase, and think that she should be assessed for ADHD or ODD or something similar. I have never wanted her labelled as anything, but it seems that it is the only way that you can get support and for her to get assistance at school!
I can't take her anywhere any more as she kicks off and just won't behave. It is so hard to put her behaviour into words but it is so much more than just being naughty.
If I tell her not to be rude, she just says the same back to me. If I tell her to stay with me, she runs off. If I tell her not to touch anything, she damages displays and things. We can spend 3 hours in a park doing what she wants to do, then she kicks off if she has to spend 1 hour going shopping or to the supermarket.
She wants everything she sees and kicks off when she doesn't get it. If I take things from her, she will attack me to get them back. She won't listen to me, she rolls her eyes and mimics me speaking to her. If I ask her to pick things up she ignores me. If I then put everything into a bin bag as threatened, she is then totally distraught and attacks me to get it back.
Every single day she refuses to brush her hair or brush her teeth. If I tell her what to do she says that I am being mean to her. She says that I don't listen to her, but what I won't do is listen to her going on and on and on when I have said No. She says I don't want to spend any time with her, but she says this at bed time when I say its too late to watch a film with her because its bed time!
I literally cannot get her to do anything that she is told or that she needs to do without it being a battle. She has to sleep with a pile of books and toys by her bed because she can't sleep without them. She has to do certain things in certain ways. We can't change the morning routine or it throws her totally. She is obsessed with times and how long things take. She has no care for actions and consequences.
The school insist things will only get better when contact with her father is resolved, but he has made it clear that it is his way or no contact at all and at one point did not see her for months. DD is constantly worried that she will never see him again because it is weeks between contact.
I can see that some of her behaviour is down to her anxiety about not seeing him, but then she was utterly defiant before he left anyway! I have no idea what she would have been like if he had stuck around. I will never know how much of this is caused by the breakup and how much of it is simply her.
I am thinking of getting her a mobile phone so that she can contact him when she wants to. This is against previous advice from school and a solicitor where I was told that you cannot make a child responsible for contact. I just don't know if it is a good idea or not, but it would take me totally out of the equation and at least she could speak to him, or not, but she will find out for herself that it is not me stopping the contact.
He has blamed me for everything and told DD this so of course she must harbour a resentment towards me which can't help.
I just feel that we are at a point where I can't take any more and I don't know what to do for the best for DD to be happy and to get the help that she needs.
Sorry for what must be a mammoth post, but I need help from anyone who has gone through similar behaviour with their DC, is there something wrong with DD, or is it all simply down to the marriage breakup ? what help did you look for, what did you get, and was your child diagnosed with anything?